


Kril'es (Or In Other Words, Harmony)

by Harle_Queen



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: 20th century movie tropes save the day, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Annoyed Leonard "Bones" McCoy, BAMF Spock (Star Trek), Bones curses when he's the third wheel, Canon-Typical Violence, Consensual Mind Melds, Consent is Sexy, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e05 Amok Time, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jim curses when he's emotional, Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock Friendship, Leonard "Bones" McCoy Knows, Leonard "Bones" McCoy is a Good Friend, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Really Character Death, Oblivious James T. Kirk, Oblivious Spock (Star Trek), Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Spock Has Feelings (Star Trek), T'hy'la Bang, T'hy'la Bang 2020, Vulcan Culture, Vulcan Mind Melds, let the poor doctor finish his sentences, so all the time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:33:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 60,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24339691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harle_Queen/pseuds/Harle_Queen
Summary: Spock chose his path long ago; to be Vulcan like his father. Although the more he came to value Captain Kirk as a friend, the more he realize someone as infectiously optimistic as him deserves someone who could emotionally be at the same level.It was only logical.Thus Spock concludes he wants to be human for the betterment of everyone. Especially for Jim.As he learns more about a part of himself that has been closed off his entire life, the more his world starts crumbling and he questions who he is as a being from two cultures: a half-human in denial of his true feelings, or a half-Vulcan trying to be what he isn't?
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk/Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock
Comments: 38
Kudos: 87
Collections: T’hy’la Bang 2020





	1. Buhfik

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone and thank you for reading my first Star trek fanfiction! This work was made for the T'hy'la Bang 2020, a fantastically fun challenge for anyone who wants to write or make art of K/S while making friends with similar interests. 
> 
> I always knew I wanted to do a post Amok Time story so I could explore the impact it had on Kirk and Spock after the experience, but I was stumped on what the story could actually be. My mom gave me the idea of "Spock wants to be human", so this is the result.
> 
> The artist you'll see throughout is Robyn, a wonderful person who has been nothing but kind to me. If you love their work then you should absolutely see their tumblr (@marlinspirkhall) and Ao3 (also marlinspirkhall).
> 
> My own tumblr is @let-me-dream-with-the-stars if you wanna talk to me about all sorts of fandoms, including TOS.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perfect - lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind; being without defect or blemish.

_"Except that for the first time in my life, I was happy."_

This particular sentence had been, for lack of a better word, haunting Spock since he uttered it for some time. There was a eighty-seven point six eight percent chance the spores from the planet were still in his bloodstream, as making such an open statement was so unlike him.

He was deeply… disappointed when he spoke this - to all of the bridge crew nonetheless - as for the next fifteen days and eleven hours, he was subjected to Lieutenant Uhura's pitiful glances and Mister Sulu speaking like the First Officer had gone through a personal loss.

It sometimes was more beneficial to be full Vulcan so one would not have to notice these little changes in human behavior. Unfortunately he was only half-Vulcan, so the Science Officer's human side could register his crewmen were worried about him considering Spock was so unusually vulnerable to all of them. It was much more preferable to have them look upon him as their superior instead.

But there were times when he was not so disgruntled by his human half; namely when his captain during this period was more open with him.

Spock had known James T. Kirk for one year, seven months, fourteen days and five hours now, so he was already fully aware of the captain's compassion towards his crew and those he considered friends. Early in the five year mission, Spock was understandably not expecting Kirk's chats with him about nothing in particular. It was off putting for a while, yet soon he accepted this and all the other traits that would make his captain.

Although the Science Officer saw overtime there was a large difference between who was his captain and who was Jim Kirk.

His captain wore his virtues proudly, practically declaring to others who he deemed morally selfish they were wrong but also giving them a kindness only few leaders would ever do, letting them choose a better path.

His captain, while admirable, was far different from the man beneath the insignia.

Spock could only describe Kirk as wholeheartedly human, strange as it was. Perhaps the Superior Officer's feelings were kept more close to him or something else, because while Spock was able to understand certain emotional patterns Kirk would display, it did not mean he could name exactly what the Superior Officer felt at the moment during certain situations. It confounded him, though he knew irritation was an illogical response.

Knowing all of this, Spock should have calculated there would be a chance after saying his emotional sentence that Kirk - the man beneath the captain role - would be more social with him than usual.

In fact, five days and thirteen hours after making his emotional statement, the First Officer received a private call in his quarters from Kirk at twenty two hundred hours and twenty four minutes. 

"Kirk to Spock. Come in." he heard his captain's voice over the intercom.

"Spock here, Captain," he went over to answer, "Is there a situation on the bridge?"

"Oh no Mister Spock, nothing like that." he heard Kirk's chuckle, a sound he had gotten used to, but was always nice to hear. It meant he was relaxed and happy by human standards, Spock finding comfort in this, especially when the _Enterprise_ was in the aftermath of another life-threatening confrontation. 

"I was just wondering if you wanted to play a round of chess before nodding off." Kirk put out the offer, making Spock focus on him again.

"I am not quite sure of the phrase, 'nodding off', Captain, but I do believe that since it is about time when humans would go to sleep, it is related to that?" He asked. Kirk's chuckling floated through the intercom again.

"Yes, Spock, that's what it means. And don't give me any of that talk about how you don't need the rest like we do." Spock could, as the humans would say, hear the smile in Kirk's voice.

"I have not said anything of the sort, Captain," Spock replied, "But yes, I will accept your offer of chess."

"Thanks Mister Spock. Meet me in the mess hall, Kirk out."

As Spock exited his quarters and walked down to the area, his mind started spinning questions about why Kirk asked for this impromptu game at all. Usually whenever Kirk wanted a game of chess that was not their routinely monthly game, it was because there was something on the captain's mind. Spock deduced, through rigorous research and observation, between two hours and fifty-two minutes and three hours and forty-five minutes of their surprise chess game Kirk would start to explain what was troubling him little by little.

Spock's calculations were usually never wrong, so when Kirk started to sit more straight as if he was preparing to make an important announcement to the crew a mere fifty-three minutes into the chess game, he made sure to pay attention.

"You didn't have to join me, you know." Kirk sighed.

He did not expect _that_. He didn't feel surprised though, just... thrown off-balanced.

Eighty-nine point four eight percent of the time, Kirk's confession would start with a 'how have you been holding up', which would dissolve into the officer breaking down into a rant about his troubles with Spock attempting to cut in with his own logic. This change in the normal was concerning to say the least, so the First Officer was already attempting to solve his way through the captain's troubles.

"Captain, I do not fully understand." Spock spoke honestly.

"Oh please, yes you do," Kirk snapped back, "I may be the captain but you don't have to do something I want if it's off-hours."

Spock raised an eyebrow at this outburst. He certainly did not expect _that_. He could ask outright what was upsetting Kirk, yet he had found it to have the opposite effect on most humans, making them figuratively hide themselves more. Instead the First Officer stayed silent.

Kirk sighed and leaned back.

"I-I'm sorry, Spock. You shouldn't have to deal with that." he mumbled. Spock knew he should say something, yet this was not something he had experience on. It seemed Kirk would not speak anymore of what's bothering him, so he would have to interject with his hypothesis.

"If it isn't too much to ask Captain, may I ask if you are still feeling anger toward Omicron Ceti 3?" He questioned.

The captain didn't respond, then smiled in a way Spock had learned to mean he was faking it. He replied while looking up at presumably nothing, "Yeah, I guess so. Even though we are not meant for paradise…"

"You still wish to remain in it."

"Exactly!" Kirk looked back down at the chessboard and moved his bishop, successfully taking Spock's second to last pawn.

He could tell the Superior Officer wished to end the conversation for now, so the two continued the match.

Eventually, seven minutes and twenty-six seconds after the previous conversation, Kirk sighed and ask, "Spock, please don't answer if you don't want to but I was wondering if… _you_ have been okay, since Omicron Ceti?"

Spock paused momentarily when he moved his queen, trying and failing to make it not noticeable to his fellow officer.

"Forget I asked." his captain said and moved his pawn, effectively taking out Spock's knight. 

Instead of making a move, the Vulcan Officer placed his hands on his lap and said, "It is alright, Captain. While I have been perfectly fine after the last mission, I do wish the other crewmen would be less insistent about the situation."

"Right, I'll make su -"

"It is not an issue of yours. I understand it is them 'looking out for me', as humans would say."

He watched Kirk's face closely, his face going through multiple unknown expressions before finally speaking, "I'm glad, Mister Spock."

The officer paused, then continued, "I suppose that's what's been keeping my panties in a bunch."

Spock tried to keep his face neutral at the unusual phrase, although it seemed Kirk noticed since he smirked, "Just another metaphor."

Spock was appreciative about that, but was now in deep thought. His captain was so worried about him? Just him? It was strange, not what he calculated the problem was at all. He supposed Kirk did feel strongly for other crewmen's wellbeing, as Spock had witnessed many times through their mission - his favorite trait about the captain - so then with this information, it shouldn't be quite a shock Kirk would also feel sympathy for him too... then why did Spock feel like this was _wrong_?

Spock was fighting the urge to ask, his curiosity winning, "Me, Captain?"

"Hm?"

"I meant your concern was about me?" Spock questioned again, internally displeased at his less than clear question.

"Of course, Spock." Kirk exclaimed, almost like he couldn't believe the officer would ask such a thing.

"I am sure there are other reasons for your aggravation," Spock explained like he was instructing a newly employed yeoman, "Considering you mentioned your disappointment about leaving Omicron Ceti 3 despite what the planet did to the human mind."

His captain pondered for a moment, then a small frown appeared on his face, "Yes, I suppose it's true. But I think it was less about me wanting to stay… and wondering if you wanted to?"

He had to think about that one. 

Spock stared at the chessboard as if he was planning to make a move. He could just say he knew his job - his purpose - was to remain on the _Enterprise_ , to serve as First Officer alongside his captain.

But... he didn't want to answer with that. Instead he thought back to Kirk's previous statement; that the Superior Officer was tense because he was thinking about the Science Officer and what he wanted.

"May I question, captain, why you were so concerned about me?" He took a risk. Such a strange thing, needing confirmation on something he already knew; yet Spock still ached to know.

He observed Kirk's expression; a small frown in the corner of his mouth, cheeks nearly reaching his eyes, eyebrows crinkled but raised.

"Because you are my friend, Spock." he said. His eyebrows dropped slightly, possibly wondering if Spock felt the same.

Vulcans did not exactly use the term friends; they had your betrothed, your coworkers and acquaintances. So watching Kirk's expression get more downcast, Spock answered with what his captain wanted to hear, "I also think of you as a friend, Captain."

The saddened face disappeared. After a moment, Kirk grinned, "Quite an emotional statement for you, Mister Spock."

Spock nodded his head in reply.

Kirk talked with his right hand waving through the air, "So just to be clear -"

"Just as you said before: we are not meant for paradise. Humans and Vulcans alike."

The captain sighed, "That's good, 'cause otherwise I would've had Bones sedate you."

Spock knew this was a playful joke, so he raised his eyebrows in a hopefully exaggerate manner, "Glad then your idea worked to use negative emotions fighting against the positive."

"Yes, I am quite glad," his fellow officer said, "Although I do wish I wasn't the lab rat."

"Again, my apologies, Captain."

"It's alright, Mister Spock."

Kirk clapped his hands, breaking the moment of silence and said they both should head back to their quarters to rest. Spock agreed, the two packing up the unfinished game and left to return to their spaces.

As Spock went ahead to walk back to his quarters, he heard Kirk call out, "And it's okay to call me Jim off-duty!"

Spock looked back to see his toothy smile and nodded once. He continued walking, struggling not to grin like a childish human.

He didn't sleep when he made it back to his bed. Even if he wanted to, he didn't think his mind would let him relax. His captain - Jim - called him his friend. He had said it before, yet this time seemed more sincere; not that the other times were not just as.

He called Jim his friend too before, but as he examined their relationship more closely, he could conclude he did think of the man as a friend. Reasonably, Spock would also be considerate about his captain's wellbeing, so it would be only logical for Jim to do the same about him as a friend.

So why did it still confuse Spock when Jim openly stated how much he cared for him?

For the next three months and twenty-six days, this question was in the back of his mind as he continued on with his duties for the _Enterprise_. He was fortunate the crew ceased their worries about him, although he did suspect the captain had a part in it.

After the game of chess and conversation, whenever Spock thought back to Omicron Ceti 3 and Layla and Jim stating the Vulcan Officer was his friend, he no longer punished himself saying the more human-like sentence; the image of his captain, Jim's smile appeared alongside _"Except that for the first time in my life, I was happy."_

Life would continue on, but after three months and twenty-seven days since the chess game, the question in the back of his mind about why he felt surprised when Jim said with such confidence Spock was his friend came screaming back.

It was all he thought as he came to, first feeling his hands gripping a cloth, then seeing the cloth was holding Jim's limp body up by the neck.

One common misconception of Vulcans was they did not feel anything. Unless they had gone through Kolinahr, then they still had emotions; they just were nothing of importance to Vulcans and so were not bothered with. Considering Spock's mixed heritage, his human half was mingled with the Vulcan philosophy and ended up causing more of a toll to hide away these basic instincts. Especially now.

He was nearly silent throughout the aftermath of that moment and when he was teleported back to the ship. Meanwhile, his mind weeped and screamed at him, that he didn't deserve his captain - Jim - calling him a friend after he killed him. It was wrong for a _Vulcan_ like himself to think of Jim as one anyways, it was just so _wrong._ Spock felt like yelling out loud for his human half to remain quiet, as illogical as it sounded, yet he was surely going to once he went to his holding cell.

Or perhaps he would take his human side on this stance.

Spock did not ponder anymore on this internal debate as it felt like all the sorrow and anger drained out of him in an instant when he saw Jim standing there, alive. 

The Vulcan Officer could barely remember the experience he was feeling, yet he did know whatever carefree attitude he had on Omicron Ceti 3 was nothing in comparison to what he felt at the moment. When his mind was affected by the Omicron Ceti III spores, he felt like a calm flowing river, ease flowing through his brain and veins. But when Spock saw his Superior Officer, walking and talking with his cheeky smile, he felt like a massive wave of water crashed into him, knocking the oxygen out of his lungs. His body kept absorbing the impact as multiple storms of water continued swirling inside him, threatening to make him collapse from the overwhelming emotion. Spock could hear the rush in his ears, whether it be from his blood running through his veins or the waves it didn't matter, as Jim's voice was the only melody he could hear.

Spock had to quickly regain himself, still feeling the warmth of the waves - which must have been happiness, despite it not sounding right to him - raging inside him. The Vulcan officer was relieved when the strength of the waves stopped after two point nine hours, yet they still buzzed deep inside him for the next four days and nine hours.

This was an undeniably pleasant feeling, although underneath it, there was something else Spock could not define. It came about 23 hours after the day, showing up when his captain did simple things that would usually give him pleasure like smiling or laughing. Unlike the waves, this feeling was the opposite; cold, heavy and a repeated sense of _wrong wrong not good_.

Spock didn't pay this any mind, completely sure just like the waves, this too would evaporate with time.

Eventually after five days and ten hours of this constant state of buzzing and _wrong_ , he knew this needed to be dealt with in order to function as a professional First Officer. If he could figure out a way to keep the waves of happiness, he would. It should be easy anyway; he just needed to get rid of the pseudo physical sickness. 

Spock left and prepared to meditate in his quarters after his alpha shift to go through this strange phenomenon of himself, having a goal in mind to get rid of the unease entirely. He sat down into position, cleared his mind from the hum of the starship and sank down into his katra, feeling his senses get washed away like a watercolor painting until he reached a point of total stillness. 

Now at the emptiness of his thoughts, he could feel nothing but peace and the coziness of the metaphorical waves in his body. Spock could scoff if he could, imagining his happiness as a physical sensation was so human. Yet it really was the only way he could put it into words, these ocean waves that began when he saw Jim well.

His mind, previously empty, was flooded with the image of Jim's smiling face, almost cocky, as he surprised Spock that day. 

Perhaps it was because of the spores but now Spock was ninety-nine point seven percent sure that moment was when he first felt happiness.

The waves and the feeling of _not good_ _not good_ came back instantly. He needed to remain on task.

Although this did make him wonder if the waves were always there. Logically, they weren't when they first met, yet as Spock's mind drifted back into their shared history, he couldn't pinpoint the moment when respect for his Superior Officer turned into admiration.

He was tempted to ask the officer for a game of chess but knew it would be unnecessary, for he could process this himself. Spock wasn't Jim, where the captain would be with others to gather his thoughts, he preferred the quiet of everything around him.

It was nearly disturbing how many times the happiness and _no no no_ would come back when he thought of Jim. So Spock started by trying to focus on this ocean in him, taming it as well as he could. He kept failing, Jim now in every corner of his thoughts. If he could remove the distracting waves for the time being, then all his attention would be on the unusual sickness. He pushed the captain out of his head while attempting to calm the rush of joy until the waves and the image of the officer finally ceased. 

Spock should be relieved they were gone, but now there was the feeling again of _no no this is wrong_ , much more stronger than before. What was once a cold weight in him was now a downpour of rain, sticking to his skin and slowly running down his body.

What could this be? Spock experimented by imagining Jim again, at his chair doing work like usual. He felt the small lap of waves in him again, although the rain was still there, almost like there was something wrong with this seemingly normal scenario. 

So he must be feeling uneasy, something _wrong_ , toward his captain. But why?

The rain was now turning to the Terran weather called hail, yet Spock pressed on.

Jim was alive and healthy and his Pon Farr was over, which he still could not fully understand how, somehow defying logic.

He felt the unease in him grow stronger. 

Alright, so it came more when he thought of his plak tow. It was all a haze, but he could still remember the moment before he descended into his madness his human half begging not to fight Jim. Yet he did, or more accurately, his Vulcan side did. Before Spock could stop it, there was a repeat of _wrong no no not good not good_ with a screech of _Vulcan_ in between. It was smothering his ears, his eyes, until it was all his senses would allow him to do except repeat that it was _wrong_ _Vulcan wrong_.

Spock's Pon Farr, his Vulcan instincts… hurt Jim and that was _not good_. The voice of _not good wrong_ had an identity _,_ belonging to his humanity and it said he was _bad_ and _horrible_. The rain pounded on him, completely surrounding him, _wrong wrong Vulcan no not good_ thundered through his mind as it flashed between different memories of T'Pring, of Bones announcing Jim's death, Jim laying there so quietly _he_ _should not be so_ _quiet it was so **wrong**_ -

Spock gasped and opened his eyes.

His eyes were blurred, slowly clearing and he noticed the intercom in his quarters. He watched it like it was a prisoner attempting escape as he came to, breathing in and out.

Once Spock was sure his body was in working order, he sat up and went to take a sonic shower.

That was surely a first. Not even when he was leaving Vulcan thinking Jim was dead did he react this way before. He thought it best to ignore his inner turmoil for now and take a shower to clean his body. He mechanically moved through the motions of washing, not focusing on what he was doing or examining inside himself… he was just existing.

Only when Spock was sure he was capable of going back into his mind did he take a step back from the showerhead and calmly thought back to the moment.

He did not want to risk meditation again if he would get the same results. It was common for Vulcans meditating to go too far into one's thoughts and lose themselves, although there was an eighty nine point three percent chance he was the first to have a reaction so strongly. 

Spock can still feel the rain of unease, yet as he tried to push it away it remained strong, grasping and squeezing him. He was - fearful... of himself. Ridiculous, he was a Vulcan, he should not _no no_ \- there it was again.

So his human half was fearful of his Vulcan half. Fascinating. 

Spock knew it was logical for his humanity to not want to hurt his friend, an emotional response, yet for the first time in his life he could remember he did not reject his human side.

In fact, he took the side of his human half. Years of submerging this part of himself and now he was basically embracing it and enjoying it! Was he? Yes, it was a deep sense of happiness.

Happiness because this part of Spock cared for his friend. 

Happiness because this part of Spock Jim liked.

But does Jim like Spock's Vulcan half? Of course, according to all known accounts of them working together _but that was not good_ \- there's the Vulcan talking. The Vulcan half only knew face value, so who's to say Jim preferred his humanity more and only appealed to the part the First Officer chose to show?

This seemed logic - reasonable to his humanity. 

Jim was such a compassionate human, always wanting to spread his optimism to everyone he could reach like a sun shining its rays. Yes this was a ridiculous thing to say, comparing his captain to the sun, yet he - his human half - liked the analogy. So for someone like Kirk - Jim - he wouldn't want to be clouded by a factual person like Spock, deflecting his rays. Why would he? Doctor McCoy didn't enjoy his Vulcan half as he has made perfectly clear, so Jim must be the same.

Then Spock should, what? Express his humanity more? But how when it nearly drowned him before? As Spock's mind showed Jim's smile again from the day after his Pon Farr, he knew he was right. He needed to be more human, for Jim at least.

In order to be more open of his human half, he should make sure it won't overwhelm him at the most inopportune times. So Spock closed his eyes and relaxed, letting him feel. Not analyzing them under a microscope, just simply letting it happen.

It was a strange sensation, actively being in touch with his human self instead of watching it from a distance. This now with practice should be easier as time goes on, no longer sweeping over him when he least expected it.

Instead of looming over the human emotions, Spock was inside of them, looking at the other half of himself he embraced all his life and felt disgusted.

This must be what Doctor McCoy felt. Does he feel this strongly? No, otherwise the doctor would never stand him.

Could this be what the rest of the Enterprise crew felt?

Could this be what Jim felt?

This thought made Spock feel true dread.

It was difficult to put to name all these complex emotions since he never observed them so closely. Spock knew what the simple primal ones were: happiness, sadness, fear, anger and the rest. But it was the blend of these multiple emotions that made Spock angry - no, frustrated? - about how he could solve the most complex problems yet not of his own mind.

He heard the intercom go off from his quarters and opened his eyes.

"Kirk to Spock." Jim said. He quickly turned off the shower, still going after all this time and stepped out, putting on his uniform as he went over to the intercom.

"Spock here, Captain." He answered.

"Sorry to disturb you, Mister Spock, but McCoy has asked to see you," the Superior Officer said, "He wished to reexamine a part of your check-up."

Spock wanted to answer why. So he did, because the only thing stopping him was his Vulcan half. Why should he listen to it?

"Bones was… curious, as to your statement on how your," Jim cleared his throat, "instincts were gone so suddenly. Wanted to make sure there were no other problems."

"I will be down in six minutes and fifty-two seconds," Spock hesitated. Feeling the lap of waves in him, he took a chance, "Jim."

He ended the call before the the officer could answer back and Spock took a moment to pause. His captain said to call him Jim in his off-hours and so he did. Overall, he felt not the overwhelming happiness, but simply good he said it and the weight of _wrong wrong_ from before was not detected. So yes, his human half did not want any part of his Vulcan half and Spock agreed to this conclusion. He could practically hear his human half quip Jim would more than likely just be surprised by the casual drop of his first name. Spock made the choice to not ponder on this for the time being.

Yes. Yes, this felt… right.

Spock finished putting on his clothes and left to walk to the Medical Bay.


	2. Nam-tor Wak Vah Yut S'vesht Na'fa'wak Heh Pla'rak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quote from Surak: Time is a path from the past to the future and back again.

"Quit your damn hoverin', Jim." Bones said with no change in voice as he continued studying the scan of Spock's brain.

"I'm sitting six feet away from you." Jim smirked from his chair.

The doctor muttered, "I can feel your eyes though."

Jim nodded even if his friend couldn't see him and looked back to Spock who with his eyes closed looked as if he'd fallen asleep. But no, probably just meditating.

Jim wanted to ask Spock if he could teach him how to get to a point of relaxation, but knew he shouldn't. It's too personal for both him and his Science Officer, barging into the Vulcan's ancient tradition and begging him to teach Jim how to calm himself - although it was appealing to learn how to be calm at moments like right now.

"Alright, Spock." Bones interrupted Jim's train of thought. He took a glance at his Vulcan friend and thought it would be a good idea to try to hide his blatant staring at his fellow officer. Said officer opened his eyes and sat up, mindful of the machines next to him.

"I suppose your test offered the same results as before?" He asked with a slight raise of an eyebrow, a quirk Jim always enjoyed seeing, a small break in his Vulcan stoicism and indulging his human half. Jim could tell the officer, despite saying he was completely logical, enjoyed showing small bits of sass - he didn't even know if Spock was aware this was what it looked like.

What was happening? Oh yes, paying attention to the current conversation and _not_ obsessing over his First Officer's facial expressions.

"If you would let me do my job as Medical Officer, I would say yes," Bones gave a playful glare, "I wanted to see if your brainwaves have changed since I last took 'em, but they were the same. It would have been easier if I've gotten a scan during your Pon Farr so I would have more to compare."

"Unfortunately Doctor, it would not have helped," Spock said, "as it would not give an explanation why it left me when I have not completed the ritual."

Jim was getting antsy with all this questioning about that day. It wasn't like he thought it wasn't important because according to Spock, it was a Vulcan phenomenon that had never happened before. No, it was because Spock seemed to get more uncomfortable every second this continued.

Jim noticed it when Spock walked into the door. His hands were clasped behind his back and his back was perfectly professional. This was a normal posture for his Science Officer, but after a couple years of being in the same capacity as his friend, Jim could notice the little differences like how he would walk with his legs straight like sticks and how his head was tilted a little higher up when he was forced to do something he didn't want to do. It did not seem to be a pleasant experience going through Pon Farr, being so out of control with your emotions. It was probably terrifying, if the Vulcan used emotional terms. Jim felt sick to his stomach just thinking about how Spock might have hated it, so him going through all these check-ups just to remind him of it must be torture.

Or at least, that's what he thought Spock's mind was going through.

The Superior Officer spoke up between the two, "Thank you Bones for trying though. Mister Spock, are you sure you'll be alright?"

His First Officer didn't answer immediately, pursed his lips for a moment, then replied, "I will be as adequate as I have always been, once there will be less probing of my body."

This garnered a laugh from Jim and a dramatic eye roll from McCoy. Spock bid both of them adieu and went back to his quarters.

The captain started getting up to head back to his own quarters until his friend called out, "Oh, Jim?"

He turned back around, perplexed when he saw the good doctor pick up a bottle of Romulan brandy from his personal cabinet and two glasses.

"I thought you said you had one more patient before clocking out." 

Bones replied while tipping a moderate amount of the brandy into the glass closest to Jim, "Yes I do."

Jim narrowed his eyes and only got a cheeky smile from the doctor. He gestured to the bottle, "And the drinks?"

"Sometimes a man will tell his bartender his dilemmas more than his own doctor." Bones raised his half-full glass and Jim decided to pick up his own do the same. They both took a sip of the strong drink, the warmth of the liquid burning his throat as it went down.

"Alright so lay it on me, how bad is it?" He gave a smile as he sat back down. Surprisingly, Bones lowered his glass and looked at him like he would when he had to give bad news.

"Jim, I may have acted lighthearted earlier, but I am still baffled on Spock's 'miracle'." McCoy put in air quotes. 

Jim struggled to hide his grimace as he remarked, "Spock has said before he was fine, Bones, there's no need to be hung up about it." He was hoping for another topic, even something more complicated he knew how to actually handle properly, yet it seemed his Chief Medical Officer was dead set.

"That's not what his body demeanor says to me," he finished his glass.

"How can you tell?" Jim said, "He always looks the same."

"That's bullshit Jim and you know." Bones grumbled. The officer groaned internally at himself; of course the Medical Officer could tell if his patient was uncomfortable.

"Even hobgoblins like him can't hide their symptoms from a doctor like me," McCoy continued, "and I understand if he wants to move on from that day, but considering how this might affect him negatively, I have to do my job."

"Can't do it against the patients wishes, though." Jim mentioned.

"True, but he hasn't said anything and so I want to continue -"

"He probably doesn't want to have to _think_ -" Jim nearly shouted as he downed his glass, the force of him slamming it on the table making it shake, "about it anymore without _saying_ it." 

The two both paused at this sudden escalation in tone so quickly into conversation. Jim scrunched up his eyes to make the drink go down smoother.

Bones looked at him for a beat, then slowly said, "Or maybe... because _you_ don't want to think about it?"

Jim gave him an incredulous look before resting his hands flat on the table.

Fuck, he was too much of an open book.

Jim sighed and went to apologize, though Bones seemed to know what he was going to do and just raised his hand, "Now none of that. I just want you to be honest with me, 'cause something's clearly been eating you up."

"Why do you have to be so damn right all the time?"

"Because otherwise I am a terrible doctor if I'm not." the doctor grinned and leaned back, letting Jim take the floor.

"Alright," he poured himself another glass of the brandy, "where should I start?"

"How about the day after? What happened then?" his Medical Officer questioned. He guessed he could start with that.

"Well, I was fine. We set a course for Altair VI as planned earlier and by the time we get there in about two weeks, we'll be having dinner with the president and his party." Jim started from the beginning of the day, but he could tell by the look on his friend's face that's not what he's after.

So the Superior Officer skipped to what happened later, "To be completely honest, the day before wasn't in my thoughts. That is... until my shift was over.

"I was ready to go to sleep; haven't in over 28 hours, so I was quite ecstatic to get some shut eye for a few. But when I was laying down in bed, I closed my eyes and… I was back there.

"I was facing Spock, his eyes bored into mine but there was no light there. It was snuffed out and all that was left was this beastly stranger ready to kill me."

He took a breath, feeling the sob in his throat and glanced back at Bones who from the duration was offering no facial response, just an analytical expression.

Jim cleared his throat before continuing, "I had to remember I was still awake. So opened my eyes and just took a moment to regain myself, get my brain to recognize that I was on the _Enterprise_. 

"I tried to fall asleep again after a few minutes, but it was the same result. So I didn't try again, just exercised. The second night though, I was so exhausted I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow." He makes sure to leave out the part about how that night and the nights after he would only get a couple hours each.

Jim wanted to take another gulp of the brandy yet he knew a hypo to avoid a hangover tomorrow would not be worth it. 

McCoy gave a sympathetic smile, "I'm sorry, Jim."

"There's no need, Doctor." he replied, adding on _I_ _t was worth it_ in his head.

McCoy wordlessly took their glasses away from the table and cleaned them, "If you want my professional medical opinion, what you're feeling is perfectly normal for a human."

Jim immediately wanted to speak up, saying it most definitely wasn't normal to feel so nervous around his best friend. He instead stood up and walked over to his friend to hear him better over the running water.

"Your heart is in the right place; that doesn't mean you have to ignore your intuition." The doctor silently dried the glasses, "You just saw a side of your closest comrade that was truly alien to you and you were helpless against it. It's a natural human behavior to be compassionate and weary of it, even if it's from someone you trust."

Yeah, right. So what if he had been scared of this new side of his officer he hadn't seen? He had seen shit all the damn time during the five-year mission and had been able to handle it and move on fairly well. But having this feeling of terror for more days than usual, especially toward his friend? Whatever his problem was, he needed to fix it now.

Jim set the glasses back in the cabinet and barely caught part of Bones' question, which sounded like "Heard me?"

"Oh! Yeah, I did," he gave a smile even he could tell was fake. He added, "I'm serious, you're right. I just forget sometimes about Spock's biology."

"Which is -"

"Completely normal for me to do, yes I remember."

"Sometimes I doubt if you do." McCoy laughed, Jim just being glad the heavy air had lifted a small bit.

He would be lying if he said it didn't feel better to say his thoughts out loud for someone to listen to that wasn't Spock. There was no way in hell he wanted the Science Officer to know the captain was terrified his raw Vulcan side would kill him, Spock would be devastated (if he used human terms) and possibly cut their relationship down to just commanding officers. Jim had no idea if he would be able to handle it.

He stood up, thinking the conversation was over until the doctor sat back down at the same table and said, "Alright, now just humor me for a quick minute; I want your opinion on what happened on Vulcan, then I won't ask ever again, promise."

Jim groaned internally but relented seeing his friend's pleading face, sitting back down and trying hard to think critically about the fight and not the emotions paired with it. Take a minute to appease his doctor, then everyone can leave the moment in the past.

"Well, what happened after I passed out?" He asked.

Bones fiddled a little bit with his ring as he replied, "From what I could tell, Spock gradually came to a few seconds after you fell unconscious."

"Isn't it because of the fight ending that he snapped out of it?"

"From what Spock had said, it's the thirst of battling that stopped, not the… rest of it."

Jim had no memory of him passing out and waking up back on the _Enterprise_ , but the distinction of his Vulcan friend's blank expression to him with a smile reaching his ears and his eyes lighting up was the most purest thing he had ever seen in his life. It made Jim feel equally relieved and apologetic for making Spock think he killed him.

He looked more honest and exposed than… Omicron Ceti 3!

"Remember our mission on the planet with the spore flowers?"

"The one that made us all drunk on apathy and ecstasy?" Bones clarified.

"That's the one," he grinned, "Vulcan desires could work like those spores, intense negative energy combatting the positive."

"Say like," the good doctor finished, "sorrow against lust?"

"Exactly!" Jim smiled at himself. It was a plausible reason for Spock's 'cure' and so he stood to tell McCoy goodnight, even if said man still looked as if he wanted to say something. No matter, a theory like that required no further testing which should please both Spock and him - well, he didn't need to be pleased at all, why did he think that?

Now walking back to his quarters, Jim was back with his thoughts all to himself. Great.

Usually in cases like this, he would ask his Vulcan Officer for a late night chess match, but considering he knew exactly what was troubling him wouldn't help the situation with Spock there.

Wait.

Jim knew he didn't want Spock to know about his experience that day, but he couldn't just avoid him for another two and a half years aboard the _Enterprise_. So perhaps it would be a good idea to just be with his comrade, like old times. It would for one comfort himself being in the familiar presence of the officer's intellectual mind and two, let Spock know they were still friends just in case he doubted it. This would surely get him over his fear of the Vulcan side of his Science Officer. 

The Superior Officer's stupid cowardice was still nagging at him not to do this, yet Jim was now filled with determination to call up his friend, if anything for Spock. 

Yeah. For Spock. Because Spock didn't deserve Jim and his stupid fears, only his usual happy self.

He saw his quarters and entered them with stride, stopping his hand from pressing the intercom button. He glanced at the clock, precisely at twenty-one hundred hours and reminded himself to think reasonably about his approach.

Jim pressed the button and said, "Kirk to Spock." knowing he'll get a response from the Vulcan who claimed to not need as much sleep as humans do.

"Spock here, Jim." he replied and Jim felt his breath get caught in his throat. So it wasn't him imagining things that last call. Certainly goes for getting comfortable with first names; definitely wasn't unwanted, though.

"Spock…" he was still trying to wrap his head around this new change to the strict Vulcan's formalities in just a few short hours, but he knew he couldn't stall, so he got out, "is it okay if we move our scheduled match to tomorrow?"

"You may do so if you wish," he answered. Of course he would do whatever the captain asked, even if he didn't have to, "although is it alright if I ask why?"

"No reason, I supposed," Jim came up with the first best lie off the top of his head, "just itching for a win, that's all."

It's almost like he could hear the eyebrow raise when his friend took a second, then replied, "That I cannot promise you. I will be looking forward to it."

Jim chuckled and said, "Me too. Let's move it to eighteen hundred hours tomorrow. Kirk out."

Afterwards he tried to lay down and sleep, about half an hour later gave up and headed down to the empty gym to practice, convincing himself he was only excited for the upcoming match.

* * *

The _Enterprise_ according to Mister Sulu was fourteen days away from Altair VI, right on schedule for the banquet. Luckily there hadn't been any alerts from Starfleet, so it was a simple day making sure everything was running smoothly with his crew.

Throughout all of it, Jim kept one eye on the clock, anticipation coursing through him. The more he thought about it, the more he was sure this chance to be friendly with his First Officer would help both of them.

It will just be a normal chess match like old times so they can move past that awkward day and look forward together. 

Finally it was eighteen hundred hours. Jim had to sign off on one more PADD but in three minutes past time, he arrived in the mess hall and saw Spock sitting there - on time of course - the chess board already set up.

Jim couldn't help but notice the Science Officer was sitting far too professionally, just like how he would look when he was uncomfortable. It also seemed Spock made sure to keep the hall empty so no one else would notice the two if they started talking more personally without eavesdroppers. 

The captain greeted Spock and the man remained perfectly neutral. He decided not to comment on it, letting his friend bring it up if he chose. Jim had white pieces, so he started and the game went on with an uncomfortable silence. He kept glancing over to Spock who looked at the board with intense concentration.

Finally after about thirty minutes into the game, his First Officer leaned back and clasped his hands on his lap, still looking upright.

"I am pleased you moved the game match to today because I was already planning to tell you something of importance." He spoke with no change in voice, Jim interpreting it to mean he was hesitant. 

"Is it something bad?" He immediately spoke of the first worst scenario in his mind.

"Nothing of that regards, Jim."

There is that word again. So it wasn't anything terrible. So it must be…

"Is it about… biology?" He asked, trying to keep his voice calm.

"Indeed."

"Biology of Vulcans?"

"Negative," he answered, catching Jim off guard, "more specifically, biology of humans."

"Oh." While Jim was pleased about this, it still peaked his interest why his Vulcan Officer was talking about this.

"I wish to learn more about human biology, specifically their emotions," Spock said with a stiff lip, "More so... about my own emotions."

"You want -"

"I wish to identify as human, Captain."

Jim blinked.

Well. 

That.

That was certainly moving on from the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a quote somewhere in this chapter that is loosely adapted from the original TOS pilot "The Cage".


	3. Fai-tukh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knowledge - the state or fact of knowing; familiarity, awareness, or understanding gained through experience or study.

Spock should have calculated a more planned out script of how to say his intent would have helped ease Kirk into understanding him immensely. Unfortunately, his anticipation for telling his captain his news made him overlook this crucial step, as now the officer had been sitting with his mouth repeatedly opening and closing for fourteen point four seconds and counting.

Rarely had he ever seen Kirk with no words to say, unless it was a personal shock with someone he knew, like the day when Spock explained his undergoing of Pon Farr to him.

The First Officer patiently waited for him to gather his thoughts and in another three point eight seconds, the captain stuttered out, "More human… a-as in…"

"When I was young, I had chosen to live my life as a Vulcan," this part Spock thought out thoroughly, "Now I wish to live the rest of it as a human. My only issue is that I do not know how since it is such a foreign concept overall to me."

Kirk gave a single nod in understanding, yet his face remained utterly blank in facial expression.

"May I ask," Spock was expecting this question, "what made you come to this idea?"

The Science Officer had fortunately planned for this part, going over alternate versions of his answer three point two hours after his appointment with Doctor McCoy up until this chess match. He made sure whatever his answer was, it turned out to be concise and did not mention his experience on Vulcan.

Unfortunately, the only way for this was to lie to Kirk on his reason for wanting to be human. He hated - according to his human half - to lie to him especially, but Spock didn't want to make the captain feel like it was his fault he wanted to be a better person for him. Kirk would insist it wasn't true and say he enjoyed Spock's Vulcan half and such just to please him. He won't make Kirk lie to himself.

"It has come to my attention that while I have decided to follow the Vulcan path, I discovered this did not please me as I thought it did. So I wish to learn how to embrace my humanity so I can follow the human path." This was the best answer. It was true, even though it wasn't the full truth. Luckily his captain seemed to accept his answer and didn't mention it anymore.

Instead Kirk said, "Okay." It was simple, almost too simple.

"Do you wish to speak more?" Spock asked just in case.

"No, I just didn't expect out of all the things you wanted, being a human wasn't in my mind." he huffed out a chuckle. This was an excellent sign Kirk was accepting his declaration of change.

He moved his bishop and took one of the officer's castles and Kirk raised his eyebrows in… thought? Confusion? All he did was continue the game. Hm.

"I thought you said you wanted to learn how to be a human." Kirk said while still watching the chess board. Spock felt his cheeks get hot but he willed it away.

"You want to teach me?" He asked, keeping his voice as neutral as possible in order to not sound surprised. 

"You did say you wanted to learn," the Superior Officer responded with a touch of hesitance, "unless you wish for someone else to teach you. I'm sure Lieutenant Uhura would -"

"It would please me if you would be my teacher, Captain," Spock cut him off, "so you wish."

He grinned and the waves were back in his body, "I would be honored, Mister Spock. And you can still call me Jim."

This happiness was so much better than the undercurrent of dread, Spock decided. Fascinating. 

"Alright. Do you wish to continue the game as we do it?" Jim asked and Spock said it wasn't needed. The two put the game away so the table was now empty.

"Okay," the captain started, having the same look as he did when he was forced to explain something deemed awkward by human standards, "how should we… er, what's the first thing to learn about being human?"

Spock already had his answer, "I wish to examine nuance emotions so I would know what I felt when a particular feeling wasn't strong enough to be a single one."

He was telling the truth when he said he wanted to know this. Connecting with one's emotions was the natural step towards becoming at peace with humanity, so once he had a hold of his feelings and what they meant, the rest should come to him too. It was only logi - well, it was normal.

"Perfect. Hm." Jim clapped his hands and leaned forward, "How about we start with the major emotions. Can you name the ones you recognize in yourself?"

Spock took a moment to contemplate this, "I can understand happiness, anger, sadness, disgust…"

It might be more difficult than he realized.

"It's alright if you don't know anymore." Jim said with kindness in his gaze. Of course it wasn't all Spock knew, but he tried to hypothesize what would happen if he said fear. There would be a sixty seven point three percent chance this reveal would lead to his Superior Officer questioning further on when he felt this, leading Spock down a path he didn't want to go.

A beat later, Jim's face lit up, the familiar smile on his face that sparked the waves of happiness in Spock - and the cold dead weight, regrettably. He told Spock to wait here and he rushed out of the mess hall. A minute and twelve seconds later he arrived back with a PADD. The screen displayed a multi-colored pie chart picture filled with all sorts of vocabulary - all emotions - most he recognized but couldn't describe. 

"This should help me explain." Jim said with a small smile, seemingly pleased with himself. Spock wished to grin in response, so he did. It made his face feel metaphysically painful.

"So this," his Superior Officer gestured to the circle, "is a chart on almost all emotions that are categorized under a major emotion. This way we won't forget any little ones that are overlooked."

"A flawless idea, Jim." he responded truthfully. Jim's eyes glanced down and he lips curled upward for a split second before disappearing, going back into his formal position like when he was on the Bridge.

"Alright, let's see," the captain read the chart and pointed at the orange marked pie cut, "how about we start with happiness. That's a pretty basic one."

The first eight letters extended from the beginning word at the center were joyful, interested, proud, accepted, powerful, peaceful, optimistic and intimate.

"Which of these can you recognize that you've experienced?" He asked Spock.

Well this was embarrassingly difficult so far, "I know the feeling of interest, pride, peace and optimism."

"Yeah, I can definitely see the interest and pride in you." Jim gave him a knowing look, Spock only raising his eyebrows in response. Perhaps he had made his interest in new discoveries often, only because it was so fascinating to a Science Officer like himself. Now thinking about it, fascination was a human emotion, so now he could freely admit he felt human in those moments.

"So for these feelings like acceptance and joy, what makes those different from the average emotion of happiness?" If Spock wanted to understand how to be human, then it meant asking all the questions he would usually be hesitant about. It was still silly to ask such basic questions, yet necessary, like how a student would question about a subject that would be to others simple common knowledge. 

"Well, joy is like a synonym for happiness," Jim explained, "except it isn't as strong as the intensity of the other emotion, I would say. While happiness is like the purest form of the feeling, joy is like a smaller, more manageable bit, you know?"

"I do," Spock agreed, filing this information for whenever he felt the quiet storms in his body; this must be joy. He knew the waves weren't happiness, yet calling this feeling joy also felt foreign. He won't worry himself over this for now.

"Now you sure you've never felt acceptance?" Jim asked, "It's okay if you haven't. Just wanting to know in case you thought it might have been something else."

"I am safe to assume I have never felt it." He confirmed.

"Alright, what about when those times you thought I died, huh? The last stage of grief, you know." He tilted his head in curiosity and Spock felt the trickles of cold rain on his skin again.

Did he? He for sure felt all degrees of sadness, but accepting his captain, that Jim would never return to grin or laugh again?

"Even then, I don't think I could have." He confirmed. The lighthearted look on Jim's face ceased too swiftly and Spock felt the sense of _wrong wrong this is bad_ again. He didn't wish for the officer to feel saddened by this fact, yet now he was and the fear and _wrong_ returned with fierce intensity. 

He tried to make it up, saying, "Please do not burden yourself with this, Captain. It is a statement true to most of the crew, I believe."

"Yeah, I guess it is, sorry," he mumbled and glanced back at Spock. He lifted himself back up with a forced grin and said before Spock could say a sorry wasn't necessary, "Another meaning for acceptance is also feeling like you belong with someone or a group. Have you felt that?"

"Absolutely." Spock didn't need to think for another second about this. Practically from the very beginning of working under Captain Kirk, the officer understood him and respected who he was, albeit with some light teasing. It was certainly a shock to him; although in reality, almost everyone he met accepted his biology. Yet he couldn't describe it, but there was something about Jim that made it… different. Perhaps it was because Spock felt like no matter how he appeared to others, the Superior Officer would look beyond it and try to talk directly with Spock himself. It wasn't unwarranted though; in fact, the Science Officer appreciated his thoughtfulness greatly.

"Perfect. What about powerful?" Jim continued his questions, the First Officer quickly regaining himself.

"By powerful, you mean…"

"Hm," Jim pondered for a moment. Then he answered, "Like leading a team. You have that sense of authority in you, where all that pride comes out into a feeling of self-confidence."

"Which could be used positively -"

"Or negatively, yes." Jim laughed, Spock immensely glad to hear it again.

"You need not worry Captain, for you are a powerful yet excellent leader." the compliment came out without his consent and Jim's laugh had now turned into a giggle, his cheeks burning a light red. It was cute, adorable, pleasing, whatever humans call it, so it made Spock less embarrassed for letting the sentence slip from his mind. He will keep this in mind; Jim enjoyed compliments, most definitely.

"Why, thank you, Mr. Spock," Jim gave a toothy grin, "and that was a very emotional yet kind thing to say."

He was even more pleased with himself now, despite what the unsettling coldness inside him said otherwise. If Spock was to be human, then flattery compliments must be a part of it; this didn't bother him though if he always got a response like that from his friend.

He decided to simply nod in understanding.

"Also, being called Jim doesn't bother me if you thought it did." He added on and Spock swallowed. While he could tell Jim enjoyed being called by his first name, if his reaction was anything to go by, the formal name brought the First Officer comfort in their camaraderie. 

"Well then, the final word of the category before the next one is intimacy." Jim pointed to the final word of the section.

This was the one that made Spock the most confused. The only version of this term he knew was the physical kind - he didn't even consider an emotional kind.

"I assume you are wondering what this means?" Jim asked. Spock reluctantly nodded.

"That's perfectly fine." Jim reassured him, "It's basically… wanting to be alone with whoever or whatever you love."

"Romantically?"

"Could be. I also think of it as platonic, familial love," he glanced down and grinned to himself, back in his thoughts. He must be thinking about his moments with Doctor McCoy and the crew, or his brother and parents, "Either way, you want to be as close to that thing as possible."

Spock raised his eyebrows. He wondered if Jim knew he described the human equivalent of a mind meld. He supposed in those words, it was what melding was at its core. It's only strange when as a Vulcan, he had never labeled it in human terms and emotions. Jim was being such a good teacher, so he might as well speak his mind, even if being reminded of his Vulcan half left him feeling the sticky weight of the metaphorical rain on his skin.

"Then I suppose I have felt intimacy during mind melds." he stated, Jim nodding once. Then his eyes widened in what appeared to be realization.

"Of course! Mind melds." The officer exclaimed, "You can feel what I feel. Would make a world of a difference trying to explain these terms to you -"

"I would prefer not, Jim." he said tightly. 

"But I feel that -"

"I wish to be a human, then I must learn the human way." he insisted, his human half disgusted at even the thought of using the Vulcan telepathy he was unfortunately born with. Jim's face relaxed into a defeated expression, yet a small grin did form on his face. He must have accepted Spock's answer.

"That sounds logical. My apologies." he quipped. Spock did not respond, knowing telling Jim he didn't need to apologize wouldn't work.

"Well, we are almost done anyway with this pie slice, then I think we should take a break for the day," Jim declared and pointed to the left side of the orange pie cut of the chart, "So since joy is like a minor version of happiness, then liberated and ecstatic are the smaller feelings of joy."

"Liberated is the feeling of ease, when you are sure of something, correct?" Spock asked.

"Exactly," Jim answered, "and ecstatic is when you're really excited about a certain subject."

Spock nodded in understanding. He had experienced most of these emotions on the _Enterprise_ , but keeping his inner humanity under control at all times had forced him to ignore all of these terms, so now he had next to no idea what he felt at certain moments. Being taught all of this like an terran infant, especially when the average human child could comprehend most of these concepts was humiliating - yes, very humiliating, he knew the feeling well.

"So this idea of subcategories of emotions can be applied to most of these, like amused is the lighthearted kind of interest while inquisitive is the slightly more intense version of interest." Jim continued to go through each of the vocabulary, "Confidence is nearly synonymous with pride and well - respected is kind of connected to acceptance, I suppose. You know this one, fulfilled?"

"I do," Spock stated, "Although I believe fulfillment is a matter of individual preference, Jim."

His captain chuckled, "It is, yes. Fulfillment and contentment are something you must believe, like you have to ask yourself, 'do I wish for anything else'? If not, then that's feeling fulfilled."

"Power is definitely tied with courage and I know you have felt courageous before," Jim said with such confidence. Spock didn't disagree with him, "and provocative is… well, let's say you know you're going against something you shouldn't but you decide to continue, almost wanting to rile them up."

"I have seen many provocative leaders and societies during our mission," Spock nodded, "So I have at least witnessed it before."

Jim laughed with such delight, the waves of joy stirring in Spock with more might than before, the air in his lungs evaporating in a strange manner. He wished to express his own joy openly, but concluded it would be wiser to take his path to humanity with small steps. 

"Yes we have, haven't we?" Jim mused.

This was going much better than Spock had anticipated, both of them relaxed with this new arrangement and working off each other like they had done before. It was a familiar, welcoming feeling. ****

The two of them read the chart again and Spock could tell while the terms on the chart were vast and extensive, even he could tell it lacked professionalism.

"What are you looking at?" Jim asked.

"The chart looks a little…"

"I downloaded the first image I found." Jim admitted and chuckled, "Well, it'll still do the job. I can just explain the last six."

"Indeed." Spock was what? Liberated, the impromptu lesson was coming to an end so he could process all the new information privately in his quarters. 

"First, inspired," Jim pointed to the farthest end of the orange pie cut, "do you know this feeling?"

"I do," he says, "for when logi - the intended outcome goes awry, one must look for inspiration for a solution."

"Exactly," Jim seemed proud his teachings were helping Spock, which in turn made the First Officer feel joy? Contentment. Yes, the lesson seemed to be going very well.

"Now being open is being vulnerable," Jim began the next word, "to willingly let your - well, your emotions show."

Of course. The simpleness of the lesson couldn't last long and now Jim was looking everywhere but at him, clearly regretting bringing up the sensitive subject.

Spock remained perfectly neutral, even though inside he was instinctively cringing. He had spent decades being ashamed of whenever he expressed himself to others - the situation where he was affected by the infection on Psi 2000 making his deepest feelings come out was a recent example. It felt like his inner being was constantly ripped out of him, leaving little bursts of intense painful emotions.

But this was a natural part of being human, no outer element forcing him to be aware of himself; Spock was in complete control and could let himself be open when he wished. He _was_ in control.

"You don't -"

"It is alright, Jim. I wish to be a human, being open is a part of the nature of it."

"Spock," Jim sighed and looked him directly in the eyes, "even humans don't want to be open sometimes and that's okay."

"But the others around them usually pressure them to?" He left it as a question but he already knew it to be fact.

"And they shouldn't… look, I know Bones gives you a hard time about it, but even he understands how important it is to Vulcans." Jim said. He wasn't even referring to Doctor McCoy but he decided not to mention it.

Jim huffed with a slight smile and said it almost as a statement, "You really wanna be human, don't you."

"I do." he affirmed.

The silence lasted for another three point three seconds until the captain clears his throat and asked, "Do you wish to continue?"

Spock broke away from Jim's dark brown eyes back to the chart and he read the last four words of the orange cut: playful, sensitive, hopeful and loving.

Spock knew what these were and could even point out times when he felt them - most of them centering around the captain. But now he had a strategy: to record the unknown ones and relate them to a situation so he would have a clear definition. This already garnered positive results since he now knew about the distinction of happiness and joy. 

Understanding and expressing humanity from an empathic human friend was nice, yet Spock knew he should use his own mind to reason and calculate the ways of being a human too. If he didn't, then it would be like imitating what Jim said and did. While it was better than being a completely logic driven person, it still failed the process of embracing his humanity. 

Now firmly decided, Spock will do the majority of the work himself.

"It is not needed, Jim." He said. Jim didn't respond. 

The two remain in the silence of the large room for a moment, then Jim stood up, Spock following along.

Jim took a slight step towards him and said with a tone so soft, it was almost foreign to him, "How about an exercise? You seem to understand the definition of each of the words? Just for tomorrow, when you feel something you can or can't recognize, let me know. Doesn't matter what time it is, just when you're free."

Spock looked down. The concept sounded like a disaster to his Vulcan half _bad bad it is wrong_ \- but his human half, it felt… hopeful? Like underneath the murky wading waters of dread there was an instinct this would, in the long term, be beneficial for him.

In real time, it had only been point nine seconds since Jim gave the idea. The officer stammered out, "You - you don't have to, of course."

"Your suggestion is the most… reasonable option for me, so I shall keep it in mind for the upcoming future." Spock answered.

"Agreeing to something that is logical isn't the same as wanting to do that thing." Jim said. The tone was certainly something he knew far too well from the man; a sense of urgency, trying desperately to get the person to grasp the situation. It was comforting Jim would do this for him but not needed, especially since the rain was building on his skin with speed.

"I understand, Jim," he repeated again, "I personally wish to do your activity."

Jim's eyes scrunched up and his lips pursed, yet he relented, "Alright."

There was an eighty five point six percent chance Jim was not convinced in Spock's answer but the Superior Officer doesn't mention it.

"So how about tomorrow, same time, we have our next lesson?" Jim asked. Spock agreed to the proposal. 

They left the mess hall and returned to their quarters at nineteen hundred hours and thirty two minutes and Spock thought it best to rest tonight. It was a human thing to do, anyways. Yes, this new humanity concept will be better for him overall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chart I used to base Jim and Spock's emotions lesson off of is this: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ya4KN_yKca_ZPW0cxkGCMV1y-mED2l0P/view?usp=drivesdk


	4. Kwes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Afraid - filled with fear; having feelings of aversion or unwillingness in regard to something; filled with regret or concern.

Mister Chekov lets Jim know it's twelve days until the Altair VI dinner party when he entered the bridge and while he still thanked the navigator for the information, it was the farthest thing from his mind right now.

It had now been about twelve hours since the first… lesson, with Spock on how to embrace his humanity. God, even when Jim had time to process it, the thought of his officer willingly going through abandoning his livelihood and teachings just seemingly out of the blue was still shocking, even making him only get at least three hours of sleep that night.

Jim had always known Spock as his loyal and curious Vulcan. While he did rib the Science Officer slightly on his mixed heritage, the Superior Officer believed he took it kindly. His mind immediately reeled back to all those moments when his Vulc - well, friend - confessed his thoughts and feelings. Jim would take all his words and comments back if it meant he was the reason for this change.

His empathetic mind was slowly taking over when Spock said he wanted to be human, but fortunately his rationality started talking some sense to him. What if this was an outside force causing this shift - it had happened before, more times than he wished.

In the back of Jim's mind he was forming a script so he could present his worry to McCoy since he was the more knowledgeable one about this sort of thing. Though when the session continued, he could see Spock as the same person he always has been, even if he was trying to take a more human approach. Even when an alien substance tampered with his friend in the most mundane way, Jim could without a doubt tell the difference. Yes, Spock was completely normal. Bringing this up to Bones would just cause the First Officer to become embarrassed and distrustful, most likely resulting in him calling the whole idea off. So even though Jim still had many questions about the entire thing, not thinking about the ones where he worried this new arrangement was his own doing, he would not prompt Spock unless he asked.

Now this left him in a new realization: how to teach someone to be human.

Jim had no idea how to explain certain aspects of himself that were so normal to him he didn't even notice. He really just came up with the concept of teaching all the little emotions since it was Spock's suggestion at first. Yet his friend looked so open - since Spock was now using the term - to him. Jim had to do it for him. 

Sometimes he wondered if the officer knew the effect his pleading had on him.

So now they were at a standstill; Spock hadn't told Jim his current emotions since that day and Jim refused to pressure him to do it if he didn't want to, now itching for some sign from the Science Officer he was okay. It's almost concerning how much his body was reacting to this kind of stress, but like other things involved in being a Starship Captain, there were more pressing things to focus on.

Like how they were currently on the Bridge and Miss Uhura alerted him, "Sir, I'm getting a call from Altair VI."

"Really?" This caught Jim off guard while he was signing off a package from a yeoman, "From out here? Thought their technology was more primitive."

"It is, Captain," his Science Officer spoke up from his area. Jim didn't try to think how this was the first time the officer had spoken directly to him since yesterday, "Yet their connection with Starfleet lets them and the other planets in their galaxy have access to some of our technology, for say, a high-quality communicator."

"Shall I open channels, Sir?" Uhura piped up again and Jim gave her the okay.

"This is Captain James Kirk of the USS _Enterprise_ speaking," he announced to the other line.

"Hello Captain," a male gruff voice spoke through the speakers, "This is President Jenkwofr of Altair VI. I apologize on behalf of the council, but they have requested for our banquet date to be moved three days from now."

"Three days?" Jim hoped he didn't sound too aghast, "May I ask what for?"

"We are having the council from Altair III come over to discuss new trading contracts and the council thought it wise if you and your crew were there to help with the dealing."

"I'll be honest, Mister President," he sighed, "That will be pushing our ship to go beyond our natural warp speed limit, which won't be good for her."

"I am aware, Captain," Jenkwofr sounded like he was genuinely sorry, "but our planets always had turmoil between us, so you acting as third party should help it run smoothly and have less risk of fatal disagreements. We will make sure to give you dilithium crystals once you arrive as a thank you."

Of course Jim knew his presence wasn't required for their dealings, but he would be horrified of himself if their meeting would turn as bad as Jenkwofr had described. He told the president they would try to get there in time, then commanded the Communicators Officer to close the channel while asking Mister Sulu to call Engineering.

"Scott here, Captain," Scotty's voice rang through the speakers and Jim felt bad having to relay to him what Altair VI said. Nearly every crewmen knew the Chief Engineer's love of the starship surpassed even his loyalty to the captain. Nevertheless, he told Scott what to do.

"It'll hurt the ship from the toll but aye, she'll do her best," he said defeatingly and carried on with the order. Jim thanked Scotty for his cooperation and the starship slightly lurched forward as the engineer said seconds later they were now on a steady warp eight.

A few hours later, Jim took his lunch from the replicator down to Engineering in order to keep a close eye on the status of the _Enterprise_. He chose to eat alone in a small but spacious hall away from the laughter and chatting of the other crewmen, letting Scotty know not to let anyone bother him except in case of an emergency.

It wasn't that he didn't want to be around them; he just felt like he wouldn't be a very good lunch mate after today. Usually Jim was delighted in the space of friends and coworkers, only now he worried his stressed and exhausted mood would infect the room. Jim knew his supportive workers would then start to worry over him, the last thing he needed. He took a breath, blocked the worry from his mind for the time being and ate, hoping the lunch would hopefully lift his spirits.

"Captain?" He heard a familiar voice from the end of the hallway. 

He had to chuckle at that one. Even if his First Officer was actively trying to be human, he still did things he would've done anyways that would be labeled as human traits.

Spock raised his eyebrows, "I do not understand."

Jim didn't want to bother him with this information so he just said, "It's nothing, Mister Spock. What do you need?"

"I do not require anything. I was simply looking for you and to possibly…" he glanced down momentarily and looked back into his eyes, "give you comfort."

Jim, who was continuously eating his BLT sandwich, accidentally let it slip from his fingers. He was able to catch it before it hit the tray.

Sure he was hoping for his friend to follow through with his advice, but now Spock actually said out loud to him his emotional intentions?

Jim would make sure to take this opportunity with respect and helpfulness, even if he didn't desire the closeness at the moment.

The Superior Officer smiled and scooted over on the bench he was on, "Would you like to sit next to me? It's the only available space, I'm afraid."

Spock watched his movements like he was a lab rat, then said stiffly, "It would be appropriate, Jim."

Jim turned his face away from him, trying to hide the heat in his cheeks as the Science Officer sat on his left side, back straight and hands folded as he would do in a court martial. It was certainly awkward being in close proximity to each other without a direct need to, yet it wasn't unwelcomed. Despite Spock's mannerisms, he didn't seem to look uncomfortable, just adjusting. Jim was glad his friend was taking this new arrangement - well? 

Yeah, Spock seemed well.

The captain remembered what the officer came in for and said, "You don't have to give me comfort, Spock. Just a stressful day, as you can understand." 

"I do understand," he continued staring straight ahead, "I have only been…"

The two sat in the quiet, Jim not interrupting, then he completed his sentence, "Inquisitive. About your well being."

Without his doing, Jim felt a smile break out on his face. Yes this was a feeling Spock said he was aware of before, but actually saying it? He could almost hear his heart beating faster than normal in his ears, ignoring it as best he could.

"May I say you also felt more concerned than inquisitive?" he said the first thing that came to his mind.

Spock tilted his head in thought before replying, "Yes I can."

Jim smiled pitifully, "Yeah, I understand. This helps, though."

"This, Jim?" He finally turned to him slightly.

"Just sitting and chatting between us," if Spock could be open to him then he could too, "It reminds me that we're all hopefully okay."

Jim realized how cheesy it sounded and he wanted to scoff. It wasn't like Spock was the only good thing in his life; he had a pretty damn good life most of the time. Either way, he would never deny there was something about Spock that felt like he was coming home. They always fell into a natural routine making Jim feel like no matter what life threw at them, they would both come out of it together. At least, he hoped they both would. Spock was such a constant in his life now it would be crazy to think he would just up and leave their friendship after the five year mission is over. He only hoped Spock felt the same.

It was at this moment when he remembered his lunch and picked up his sandwich again that he noticed no tray of food on his friend's lap.

"You already ate?" Jim asked and caught the slight widening of Spock's eyes, a telltale sign. Jim grimaced. When will he understand his body goes before his mind and studies?

"Spock," he sighed, "even half Vulcans need to eat."

Jim could see the sharp inhale of breath, his fingers previously straight now curled to dig into his legs and he just realized what he said. He was going to apologize for the slip up but the Science Officer spoke before him, "You are right, Jim."

He got up with the precision of a leader and left to go get his food.

Suddenly his own lunch didn't seem too appetizing, so he set it down behind his feet and struggled not to run after him. It wouldn't do any good, Spock simply countering he was correct, probably mentioning it was a part of being human.

This only brought back the memory of the last lesson where his suggestion of mind melding to better grasp the complexity of humanity made Spock have the same reaction. At first Jim only assumed he was wanting to take the more human approach to learning about emotions, but this was troubling.

The First Officer even tried to defer from saying 'logical', Jim noticed. He caught this but didn't mention anything and now it was all he could think about.

What even was the reason for this new thinking? He gave a mysterious answer about wanting a change and he accepted it like a fool. It's something else, something connected to his feelings about his Vulcan half.

Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose. Then again, this was what Spock chose to do. If he wanted to do it then he can't stop him - no matter how unnatural it seemed. Well, he supposed it was better than him during Pon -

No. No, he will _not_ go there. How dare he even think about it?

Fortunately before Jim could be disgusted with himself further, Spock returned with a bowl on a tray. It had the same color and texture as chowder, nothing he had ever seen the officer eat before, keeping a strict - and vegetarian - Vulcan diet. 

Jim held back the apology wanting to come out and said, "Clam chowder, right?"

"Indeed." Spock dipped a spoon in the thick substance and slowly lifted it to his mouth, paused at his lips, then swallowed it down in one swift movement. His chin scrunched up before relaxing as he swallowed the chowder.

"Spock, you can eat some -"

"You need not worry Jim. The taste is delectable despite its rough texture."

"Your body -"

"Is half human, Captain." he was irritated, using his title the Science Officer usually said with fondness and Jim stopped talking in fear of pushing Spock more than he wanted. He desperately wanted to know for sure he was completely fine but it would do no good.

Jim picked up his tray and the two resumed eating in stuffy silence. Spock slowly but surely gulped down all the food while he found some way to ignore the now unpleasant taste of his sandwich.

Of course though, this gave his mind the moment to remind him of what he thought about before Spock returned.

His friend is half human and half Vulcan and no matter how scared Jim was, he couldn't just shove away an aspect of his officer; that's practically xenophobic! He's sitting right next to Spock and everything was normal; they're eating lunch and enjoying each other's company… and chatting about emotions.

Well everything was normal besides the whole his First Officer now wanted to be human - thing.

What he could do was support Spock in any way he needed. Whatever he needed help with on his humanity, Jim would answer, no question about it. Because that's what he needed; his captain always willing to help his friend. If it involved Jim being secretly joyful he doesn't have to even think about his friend's Vulcan roots, then they'll cross that bridge if they get to it - which if all goes well, they never do. Jim was fine and certainly didn't feel peace out of his closest officer rejecting his livelihood, because it's sick and horrible for someone to think.

The awkward lunch ended when Jim finally ate all his food and Spock stood up with a bowed head, lightly mumbling, "I apologize for my earlier outburst, Jim."

"Please don't," he stood with speed, making his head dizzy, "It's not your fault."

"That is incorrect," the officer replied, "For I have not made myself clear on my reason for the reaction."

Jim already had a good guess on the reason but listened patiently, "It has come to my attention that while I have been researching on how to accept my humanity, my mind has an instinctive opposite reaction to whenever it overhears anything acutely related to Vulcan, for that I feel… regret, for subjecting you unwillingly through it."

Jim felt a smile tug at the corner of his lips. His Spock was still very much the same he had always been, apologizing for the littlest things. If anything, it's him who should be apologizing to Spock.

"Believe me when I say this, Mister Spock," he said, "but I understand your reaction. I will make sure to monitor myself next time."

Spock nodded, the faintest upturn of his lips. The two walked while Spock asked, "Will it be alright to have our next lesson at eighteen hundred hours today?"

"It should work out perfectly." Jim now grinned without fighting it. This was what he missed; their casual conversations when a crisis wasn't going on, working off each other naturally like they had done it for decades.

Before they left the Engineering Room he made sure to say, "Thank you again, for talking to me about your feelings."

Spock raised his head in poorly disguised pride and quipped back, "It is of no trouble. Although I will admit I wished to have done so at an earlier time."

"I appreciate you taking your time on something then forcing yourself to do it when you're not prepared to yet just to please me." Jim replied and he wholeheartedly meant it. He was still shocked his First Officer did it at all anyways.

They reached the mess hall to drop off their empty plates and continued up to the Bridge to resume work.

* * *

Jim read the entire emotion chart at least four times now on the PADD, relaxed in his chair while everything remained in working order around him. 

He wanted to prepare for the upcoming lesson at least before starting so he wouldn't fumble so much as he did last time. Still, the first lesson took him by surprise how smoothly it ran, his friend expertly delivering explanations on each feeling similar to happiness.

Almost too easily.

While Jim was constantly in awe of his First Officer's brain being so vast in knowledge, he doubted it had the true unfiltered experience of emotional reactions. It was difficult to decipher if what Spock meant was true or what he thought was true and without the aid of a mind meld, it was hard to know for certain.

Spock spoke his mind at Engineering and didn't look as if he hated doing it, so maybe they could apply it during the lesson, to try to associate a memory his officer had with the emotions on the chart.

There was still a risk factor though in this; Jim didn't want Spock to disclose personal information he wasn't ready to share yet because he felt like he should. Hopefully as long as he made it extremely clear to him to only do it if he felt comfortable enough, it will all go alright.

Jim read the chart again and decided on the yellow marked pie slice, the one with words synonymous with surprise. Very similar with the yellow one so they could gradually work their way to the hardest ones, the captain thought to himself.

He closed the screen and handed the PADD back to the waiting yeoman and he asked Sulu on time until Altair VI. 

"Sixty six hours and fifty two minutes, Sir," he answered and the Superior Officer sighed in relief. The faster they got to the dinner party, the quicker the _Enterprise_ could return to its normal warp factor.

It wasn't a secret to pretty much anyone on the ship he was not fond of playing diplomat during missions, but it was just another more mundane aspect of being a Starship Captain.

In about three minutes though, his Beta shift would end and he would get an hour break before seeking out Spock and starting the class on being human. Jim was looking forward to it but today was just one of those days where he wished to be left alone for a bit.

He was still regaining himself from the sudden change in schedule to Altair VI, yet he should be fine hours after this news. He was ready for today's private meeting with his officer and they were left on good terms, so what could it be?

His eyes scanned the room until they fell on Spock, him diligently at work. Jim had tried calling Starfleet on ordering another chair to install in that area so the officer could work without standing up to reach some places but they never responded. His Science Officer assured him it was not needed because, as he put it, "Standing keeps the blood flowing through the legs and body, thus it's the more logical choice."

He never got tired of hearing those cheeky words from his mouth, spoken with sass and pride. He savored it, but according to what Spock had planned, he wished to become more of his human half. So that meant everyone - including Jim - might hear more small bits of emotion in his sentences which he liked, but wondered if then the specialness of the rare moments would go away.

He couldn't think of it now because Spock wanted to be human and he should be - no, he _was_ supportive of him because it was better than when Spock was a cold and vicious -

A cold feeling settled in Jim's stomach.

He noticed it was a minute past the end of his shift, so he took his leave and commanded for Spock to take charge of the Bridge. The crewmen he walked past either saw or sensed his stormy mood, so they moved out of his way as he walked with contained speed to his quarters.

When Jim arrived in his space, he paced in quick turns, his arms rattling at his sides until his right arm shot out and slammed down on his nearest desk. This momentary pain helped him focus on something other than his feet and they stilled until he was standing in the middle of his room, holding his arm carefully.

He had the strong urge to hit the press on the bruise but refrained from it. He still felt the urge to do it, to hell with the fact it's not a healthy idea, he damn well deserved it.

Jim tried, he really did try to ignore it, insisting it wasn't true. But damn it all, especially him, because he really can't move on from that day on Vulcan. 

He hissed at the sudden sharp pain in his right arm, seeing tiny red marks where his nails were digging in and so he threw his reddened arm down and collapsed onto his bed.

Resting his head in his hands, he leaned back until his back hit the wall and felt his eyes growing wet behind his eyelids.

How dare he, of all people, cry when he was thinking such horrible thoughts about his friend? This only made him weep harder and Jim furiously wiped them away to no avail, finally just letting them fall.

Minutes passed silently as he cried, continuously cursing at himself. Spock being Vulcan had never bothered him before, even when his Admirals informed him of all of his officers on the Bridge. They gave him the basic background information on Vulcans and he listened with rapt attention, making sure to follow them to a tee so his First Officer was comfortable with him and working on the _Enterprise_. He even researched his planet and culture so he would have more of a grasp on what to do to respect him, i.e. how he learned about their mind melds and sensitivity. 

Unfortunately none of the books and websites told him about the mating of Vulcans, so he had always assumed that they chose their mates logically until five days ago. He did remember reading about their time pre- reformed but he had no idea he would see it up close and personal, from his friend no less.

Jim heard a growl slip from his lips. He wasn't a friend to Spock, not one he ever wanted. Yet the officer had said he was his friend many times, defended him countlessly - the Spock not under Pon Farr.

 _He is fine,_ Jim attempted to take deep breaths, _He is healthy and normal. He is your friend, a Vulcan-human who now wants to follow a new path. He is a Vulcan-human. He is Spock._

He was Spock, the only one there was with no Pon Farr or mating ritual changing that. He wished to identify as something different yet it was still a part of him, still him.

Who wished to give up his years of Vulcan to be human.

Why did it sound so wrong?

"Spock to Jim." Speak of the devil. He heard the crackle of his voice over the intercom and Jim took a quick moment to check his breath had calmed to a normal level before walking over to answer.

"Kirk here."

"It is three minutes and forty-two seconds after our allotted time."

He checked the clock, cursing at himself again and replied disdainfully, "My deep apologies, Mister Spock. I just lost track of time."

"We can reschedule our lesson for -"

"No. No need, I will be there. Mess hall, right?"

"Correct, Jim," Spock said after a beat, "Spock out."

He took another deep breath before leaving his quarters, his brain repeating, _He is still Spock, just his emotional self_ , leaving the unanswered questions about why he felt this to be so bizarre in the farthest corner of his mind. He was fine and sober and didn't wish to talk about it so there's no need to pressure him.

If Spock wanted to be human then he can; Jim will just… hold those other moments when his facade slipped near his heart.

He didn't think about why he wanted to treasure those moments like they would never appear again.


	5. Flakosh-glantokaya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Distress signal - an international signal used by a distressed ship or aircraft to request help, as by radio broadcasts, flags, or flares.

Something was troubling the captain.

Spock had been closely monitoring his body language after their lunch together, noticing Jim constantly slouched in deep thought with at least one hand touching his face on the Bridge, a position he usually held when he was attempting to solve a problem with no solution yet.

His rushed, tired response over the intercom only supported his theory, but without the evidence on what caused this, Spock couldn't give a sure answer on the issue.

Hands steepled under his chin, he waited in the mess hall until he felt an all too familiar weight suddenly settle in his body again - lighter, but still there. Right, his Vulcan half was too unreliable.

Well, considering how human body language was a huge factor in one's inner thoughts, then Jim must be concerned about something. The _Enterprise_ will arrive at Altair VI in quicker succession then expected, yet the captain never had this strong of a reaction to being a diplomat for missions. While Jim had said he could attend their class, he might be lying. According to all previous moments between them though, he never lied to Spock before, not without purpose, so this did not seem correct either. Then again, humans with practice overtime could become excellent at lying to even their closest acquaintances. What reason would there be for Jim to lie though?

Spock heard the doors slide open and looked up to see Jim's dark brown corneas. The queasy weight was slowly washed away by the warmth of joy, pleasing him greatly, yet the First Officer had to remember to keep observing Jim, to try to determine the trouble underneath the captain's positive exterior. 

His Superior Officer settled into the chair opposite of him, PADD in hand and still silent, then said, "I know you'll probably say that a sorry is unwarranted, but just know that I am."

Spock's mind chimed in saying Jim would also say Spock didn't need to apologize either, so the Science Officer didn't say anything in return. He saw that while the captain's body was still slumped in the chair, his expression had softened significantly, so he must have calmed from his shift.

As Spock was contemplating to ask what was aggravating the officer, Jim broke eye contact to open the PADD and turned it around, displaying the same chart. 

"So I thought about going on to the yellow part which are all things related to surprise, as you could tell," he pointed to the first main category of the yellow pie slice, "and I had an idea, only if you want to do it."

Clearly, Jim wished to move on from whatever his issue was earlier. Despite Spock's Vulcan mind wanting to continue pressing on, his human side won over, letting Jim continue explaining today's work. He surely felt intrigued with the prospect until he felt the trickling of cold rain hit his skin. Must be in preparation for whatever this new idea was, surely.

Jim took a small inhale of breath and said with his eyes looking elsewhere - Spock ignoring how he missed seeing the intense color in the officer's eyes, "You desired to say more of what your current feelings were earlier today, right?"

"I do." he replied with no hesitation. In complete honesty, he was engrossed in his work before his lunch break to not pay attention to his own emotions, but went off in search for Jim after he realized the captain's downcasted mood. Hearing from an Ensign he traveled down to Engineering to eat, Spock sought him out and spoke what he was at the moment feeling with no thought in between of what he should say. It felt… whatever emotion was connected with unnatural. Yet he saw Jim pleased with him, so he felt a mix of the waves of joy and sickening feeling of unease, confusing him for a minute while eating his somewhat appetizing chowder.

"Alright," Jim sighed, bringing Spock back to the present, "Well, how about we do it now?"

Spock's eyes widened without his discretion and he hoped the officer didn't notice this.

"What I meant is, I read each emotion and you try to remember a memory where you thought you felt that one," Jim explained, "but I want you to do this only if you're completely comfortable."

Needless to say he did not calculate this idea - well, his Vulcan half perked up with a voice saying the lessons would most likely center around admitting emotions. His human half ignored it, his eyes finding Jim again who looked hesitant and supportive and that concoction of unease and warmth swirled inside Spock again.

He followed along with what his humanity wanted, "I will do it _and_ I understand I can end the conversation at any time should I feel uncomfortable."

The corners of Jim's lips turned upward, "Thank you, Mister Spock."

Spock read the first word in the main category: surprise. Hm. He had multiple memories of missions where the outcome left his Vulcan side nearly speechless. But he will only mention the most recent altercation, one that he had suspected will 'lift the captain's spirits' as the one human-created figuration of speech went. He could feel his Vulcan half pleading but he firmly followed his other half and hoped his Vulcan part would give up its persisting already.

"I felt surprised on Deneva," he spoke, "when I saw Doctor McCoy's face over me when I regained my eyesight."

Jim's face was blank for point three seconds, then he nodded his head while grinning, "Yes, I remember that. When will you and Bones ever admit you guys truly care about each other?"

"We have before," he joked, "when you were not present."

"Of course," Jim laughed softly to himself but it suddenly faded away and his face was now forlorn. 

Spock could feel his own eyes widen.

Alarm racked through him, scrambling to uncover this change in tone. He hoped Jim understood his and McCoy's bickering was - in human terms - lighthearted. Then his mind went over what transpired on that mission… and who one of the victims were.

It was logical Jim would be reminded of his fallen brother and for the first time during this new promise of being human, Spock scolded this human part of himself. He should have known about this, especially since his Superior Officer was already in a darkened mood earlier. Wasn't he able to figure this out easily?

Spock wanted to side with his Vulcan half but his skin went cold instantly and it felt _wrong_. 

"- ster Spock?" He finally heard part of his captain's sentence and accidentally glanced into his concerned eyes, something he had wished to not have seen for a while longer.

"I am sorry, Captain," he struggled to make up for this slip of attention, "I was only realizing my poor choice in story -"

"Please, it was only me." Jim waved his hand and kept his face down.

Spock needed to resolve the issue and so his body, still adamantly against whatever his Vulcan half wanted to say, was still willing to follow his humanity's ideas, "Jim, I am aware of -"

"Let's continue, shall we?" Jim pointed to the word after surprise in the next category, startled, "Do you still want to continue?"

Clearly his human response was the wrong thing to say, so the First Officer kept quiet for a beat. By the quick response, he could calculate Jim did not want to think of the failed humorous story anymore, just like how he wished to continue learning despite Jim's sour demeanor. Therefore the best option was to recall another memory, not thinking about how he didn't know what part of him thought this was the best option.

For now he didn't dwell on this and answered, "Yes, I still want to."

"Alright." Jim said, "whenever you're ready, tell me."

This time, Spock made sure to think calmly and carefully on a moment that was pleasing to both parties - or until he suddenly saw a flash of the captain lookalike who insulted him. The sticky rain added onto the weight in his body and Spock wasn't able to comprehend if the rain came after he recalled the memory, or if it was already there from the beginning of today's lesson.

Jim was watching him waiting patiently, so the memory rolled off his tongue with little thought, "On Exo-III with your android doppelganger calling me quote, 'a half-breed'."

Jim's smile faltered for point four seconds as he breathed out a small "Oh."

So far, his human half trying to communicate with his teacher had been deeply unsatisfactory for Spock, yet it seemed to be the only factor of himself he was not repulsed by, so options were limited in terms of thinking strategies and it did not make him feel better, the weight and rain closing in more and more.

"It was the first thing I thought of at the moment," Jim said, "but I'm glad you didn't take it personally."

This, his humanity was capable of giving an appropriate response to, "It was the wisest choice as I know that is not what you think of me Jim."

This made the officer giggle and lean back, his cheeks a red hue as he responded in what the humans call 'cheekily', "You sound so sure of that."

"Am I not correct?"

Jim's face continued to darken as he leaned onto the table, head resting on the palm of his left hand as he took two slow breaths before answering with a tone of finality, "You are right."

The atmosphere had now - in a way Spock could not explain - lightened, pleasing him greatly from the tense beginning. He wanted to hear the soft laughter of his friend and see the evidence of how his compliment affected him on his cheeks a few seconds longer so he could savor the rush of joy more. Was wanting to see his friend happy with himself selfish, the Science Officer thought briefly. It made both him and Jim feel joyous, so Spock presumed it was fine.

It was hard to explain in his limited vocabulary of emotional knowledge this feeling, yet he knew this joy didn't appear and reappear like other fleeting emotions - it was like a gentle reminder of his friendship, staying with him from when he woke up to being the last thing he felt before going to sleep. Yes it was joy, yet it was more complex than what he could describe.

"Spock?" Jim's voice rang out and Spock's eyes focused back on the PADD. Yes, they were barely beginning the lesson. He must focus.

The one following startled was confusion and so he easily said, "When Doctor McCoy insisted on finishing the last of his paperwork, yet he complained of hunger."

Jim looked like he wanted to say something else, but instead nodded, "That sounds like Bones, alright. Though I suppose you'll find that to be a common situation for many humans… including me."

"I will not disagree with you." This made the Superior Officer tilt his head to the side slightly while still grinning at him. Not the exact response Spock was achieving, although it gave him equal satisfaction. 

"Well you seem to know confusion, what about amazement?" He looked at the chart and Spock's eyes followed, "What fascinated you?"

A single eyebrow raised at the question. Jim smiled widely in response. 

"When the energy mass in the shape of a human hand took hold of the _Enterprise._ " it was comfortable to Spock now, being able to easily come up with accurate memories related to these emotional terms. 

Well, besides the issue with the rain that refused to cease, but he was managing it fine. 

While Vulcans were known to have naturally greater intelligence than average aliens, he could say he was surprised at this speed of understanding. 

Jim let out a short burst of laughter and took a moment to gather himself and replied, "While I would say I was more startled at the sight, I could see how the scientist part of yourself would be in awe of it."

Jim had to take another breath to ask about excitement and Spock swiftly spoke of when he got to examine the molecular structure of the vaccines they transferred from Kilo VII to Marho IV. He was tempted to keep his voice level as he told Jim this, but he was reminded of his goal to become human and so continued onto explaining his findings as his captain listened attentively. He had gathered how humans enjoyed explaining things that excited them, something he related strongly with, so he only told his favorite moments about his studies to the Superior Officer.

When he finished, Jim smiled and softly muttered with sincerity that was like serenity to both his human and Vulcan half, "Fascinating."

It was moments like this where Spock remained in the moment, no other thoughts and ideas and worries clouding his mind, just Jim.

This peace would not last long however as he felt his skin grow cold again, reminding himself _no no this is wrong he is Vulcan it is so wrong_. While exhausting, it was right to say in order to be what Jim saw him as, he must continue following this experimental human path. He had to remain on track.

Jim fortunately could not see his mind's troubles, instead pointing to the next subcategory where the two emotions connected to startled were shock and dismay.

Spock could recognize the minor feeling of shock but was not completely familiar with dismay, so he asked with a weirdly heavy tongue, "How would you define dismay, Jim?"

"Well I would imagine it similar to the feeling of confusion." The captain explained, "It's like; you were so sure of a belief, so sure that you might have died for it, but almost immediately you find that you no longer wish to follow it for whatever reason. You're lost, looking for an answer that you previously had, and you start to almost believe that you will never find that answer again."

Interesting. 

Did Spock feel dismayed after his acknowledgment of not wanting to follow the Vulcan path anymore? 

No no, because now he had the answer, to be human! How ridiculous of him.

"Well, we don't have to do dismay as you seem to understand it. You have a memory of feeling shocked?" His captain asked and Spock responded with the one that had been in his head for the last seven point nine seconds, "I felt it definitively when I entered the chemistry laboratory to find Ensign Dixon and Ensign Patterson in the middle of an intense… romantic session."

Jim struggled to keep his mouth closed as he laughed hysterically and about eight point two seconds later he still tried controlling himself as he said, "I shouldn't be laughing about it, I'm sorry."

"It is alright, Jim," he replied, not at all bothered to see such unbridled cheeriness that made the waves in him threaten to take him off-balance, "an appropriate reaction."

"And the lab -"

"Was thoroughly scrubbed down and I gave a strong warning to the two."

A few moments later, Jim calmed down enough to ask if Spock felt disillusioned or perplexed one time.

He had gathered how perplexity is almost synonymous with confusion and so he told Jim about the supposed 'baby talk' with Doctor McCoy and the infant on Capella IV. Jim replied with a grin and said that for him, it made sense if the First Officer was perplexed.

Before this memory, Spock already had the perfect idea of feeling disillusioned when he realized his rejection of his Vulcan half, how he was convinced it was the right way at the time. But should he speak of it? He heard his captain's voice in his head repeating it was okay to not speak of an uncomfortable memory, so he instead said, "I wish to think more on a suitable memory related to disillusionment, if I may."

Jim grinned in what he read as sympathetic and replied, "Yes that's perfectly fine, Mister Spock."

"We'll go back to disillusioned later," he readjusted the PADD in his grip, "but you did remind me to ask how you're feeling about all of this."

"I am doing alright, captain," he internally cringed at the slip of his title, "I found the change from last session to be beneficial to both of us."

"I have too," he grinned again and Spock felt - nay, hoped - he would never get tired of seeing the small smile, "so now that we're close to getting done, the next are astonishment and awe."

"Are they closely related?" Spock had to ask for clarification. 

"Yes, I would say so," Jim answered, "I would even say they're synonymous."

He thought a bit as he struggled to come up with a memory that wasn't associated with Jim's laugh or smile constantly invading his thoughts. Unfortunately, his human half seemed set on this single thought.

"I have also felt those relating to the hand-shaped energy mass," he said as an answer, yet the Superior Officer's eyebrows crinkled.

"Maybe there's a different memory that comes to mind? One that you believe only fits with these feelings?"

A thought appeared in Spock's mind: what are the risks of speaking his first thought? Ultimately none, his human half concluded. His Vulcan part spoke in fear of being vulnerable in front of his friend, yet that was Spock and his humanity's goal to be emotionally open, so it was... fine. Yet why did he still feel worried to say it?

Perhaps it was a human instinct to be wary of vulnerable truths, knowing this had been documented throughout history.

But yet, Jim wanted and deserved a friend that told him his positivity radiated the room like a lighthouse, calling Spock to the warmth even though it might suffocate him. He deserved someone to match his emotional strength and the Science Officer wished to reach that level.

So letting another beat past to quench his unneeded fear, Spock said in a voice that was almost rushed, ignoring how the sentence felt foreign on his tongue, "I have felt both equally whenever I see you express your happiness openly, Jim."

The room went dead silent.

Spock sat anxiously for Jim to respond to the statement, while his concern grew more profound the longer the quiet went on. It would have been wiser to think more of the precautions saying this because it seemed his fellow officer did not react positively to this, taking small shallow breaths and his face was dangerously red.

Spock clasped his hands on his lap as he hesitantly watched Jim's face transform from what he could define as shock to panic to finally breaking eye contact to look down at his lap, stuttering "I… I - I…" until he took another five point eight seconds to gather his words and spoke in a coherent manner, "I do too."

Jim's lips slowly broke into a toothy grin and Spock's worries finally ceased, glad he had indeed reacted positively to the statement as he had hoped, even though saying it left a strange distaste in the First Officer's mouth.

The room remained quiet for six point three seconds, then Jim cleared his throat and asked softly, "Do you have a memory yet for when you felt disillusioned?"

Right, that final word. His skin crawled with the disgusting rain at the thought of speaking the memory but was then reminded of Jim's soft expression at his previous statement. How it took a moment for him to process it, then seeing the happiness, the joy Jim felt from it. He deserved an honest, human answer.

"You asked me about why I wished to follow the human path instead of the Vulcan one?" He asked, knowing the answer was a yes from Jim.

"I would believe it was because I was disillusioned by Vulcan and its customs," Spock's mouth seemingly dried completely as he struggled to say his statement, the rain growing stronger. But why? It was what his human half wanted, what _he_ wanted. Because he did want to tell Jim.

"Is it alright if I asked in what way?" The rain almost drowned out his friend's question but he caught it and the rain poured and it felt like needles prodding him, pulling him open for an answer but he didn't want to say it because it was about his friend and Jim should not be reminded of what he _is, a Vulcan, a Vulcan who hurt him_ -

Spock stood abruptly, cutting off the end of his own statement and thought he said he wanted to rest, that he suddenly did not feel well, he couldn't tell. He simply followed where his feet took him.


	6. Vas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relief - the easing of a burden or distress, such as pain, anxiety, or oppression; something that alleviates pain or distress.

Stupid, stupid, fucking stupid of him!

First he basically recoiled from Spock's heartfelt compliments, _then_ accidentally sent him into what looked like a panic attack because his curiosity overtook his rational thought. 

Jim felt like his hands were extremely sore, looking down to realize he had a death grip on the PADD. Gritting his teeth, he slammed his fists on the table, the sound echoing through the empty mess hall. For good measure, he gave two more hard hits on the table with both of his fists.

Hands still tight around the PADD, he let it go, letting the tablet clatter onto the table, the sound fading away into nothingness. 

If Jim could see himself now he would laugh at his state, throwing a temper tantrum like a child, all because he was mad at himself for making a dumb mistake. What solution was there to acting like a spoiled brat? It certainly wouldn't help Spock, the man possibly still attempting to calm himself down. Jim had to apologize, try to salvage the situation in some way, but he would have to wait a few more minutes to make sure he won't walk in on his First Officer still trying to gather himself. 

Great, perfectly fine, it will give him more time to figure out what to say. God, did he even have the right to make it better considering what he did? 

The thought was lingering about the potential reason for Spock's change to become human throughout the lesson, Jim not paying it any mind as they moved on from their rocky start, finding their familiar pace and banter like before. Jim was relaxed and giddy, especially from hearing his officer giving him so many comments that made his heart stop beating at times, trying to respond with equal emotion - especially that last one. My god, it made him feel like he was floating on water. Being so vulnerable - hah - in front of the usually stoic scientist and Spock meeting Jim with even greater intensity possibly caused the Superior Officer to drop his guard and prod Spock a little. 

Still didn't give him the right to keep seeking for an answer and Jim knew it. But now because of his slip up, he had almost surely ruined his and Spock's friendship. Of course Spock got the courage to speak his mind to him and all Jim could do was stutter and do the one thing Spock said he didn't want to talk about: anything Vulcan. 

The least he could do was say his regrets to the First Officer and maintain a working relationship, which was better than never hearing him speak to him again. Sure, it's the outcome he was trying desperately to avoid, but he definitely didn't deserve the officer's friendship now.

Really, it was all in the making considering how after six nights of unrest, Jim's brain was still reminding him of Pon Farr, how he still feared the untamed side of his frien - of Spock. Even if the officer didn't know about his unnecessary fear, he shouldn't be around someone who won't embrace the natural part of his heritage. 

If Jim had his way, he would remain in this room until his next shift. But it wasn't about him, so the sooner he quit sulking and went to apologize the better.

Reluctantly Jim stood up, legs previously numb struggling to stay upright. They regained their strength and the captain left the mess hall to go to Spock's quarters. 

He rehearsed and rewrote the script he had in his head about what to say, but his mind constantly drifted between consciousness and the much needed sleep it wanted. He shook his head with force and continued on until he stood in front of the familiar doors.

They opened automatically for Jim and he risked a glance inside, his First Officer lying prone yet conscious on his bed. 

Seeing his face again only triggered the moment when Spock spoke of how much supposed astonishment and awe he felt when he saw his Superior Officer's open happiness about something, forcing Jim to quell his racing heart. But hey; at least he'd always have that moment to treasure selfishly. 

Spock lifted his head from his pillow and said evenly, "Captain."

"Spock…" all previous thoughts tumbled out of his head as he responded dejectedly, hearing the simple use of his formal title.

No, he had to continue.

Jim remained at the door, scrambling to remember his script as he began, "I owe you an apology - and please, don't interrupt. 

"When you had asked me to teach you, I had an idea it would take us longer to grasp the concept. But your brilliant mind took it like fish to water. It felt… like our relationship had strengthened and I guess I wanted it to get stronger?

"Obviously I know it was a stupid mistake to ask that of you, especially since you specifically told me that it was a sensitive subject for you. I am sorry for that and I hope you can at least forgive me for my slip-up." Jim finished, feeling like he could have done better than his improvised apology.

He hesitantly watched as Spock remained neutral, then moved so he was now standing next to the bed. Jim continued the painful eye contact with him, patiently waiting for the inevitable as his Science Officer replied back, "I understand."

What? Was that it? 

Well, his officer did have a humble demeanor, always going easy on him.

Just in case, Jim reiterated, "But… I did hurt you, didn't I?"

"I will admit, I felt a sudden…" he trailed off momentarily, "discomfort with the ask, but after being alone in my room I was able to rationalize it."

"Spock -"

"If it is alright with you Jim, I wish to resume our lesson so I could show you my improvement."

Jim sputtered, reading Spock's face for any sign of reluctance. He remained stoic as ever, which left the captain the only one internally freaking out at this proposal.

"If you do not wish to -"

"No!" He abruptly cut him off.

"I mean, only if you are alright with it, Spock," he added onto his sudden exclamation and he could feel dread overcast him, "How about a fifteen minute lesson?"

Spock said it was an adequate amount of time. While his Science Officer had always attempted to be kind to him, Jim surely believed now would be his breaking point. But apparently he was still forgiving and even wanted to continue, which was the most shocking part. If Spock was this determined on doing these lessons then how could he deny him?

There were still a lot of shouting and questions in Jim's mind, but he instead took a breath and said, "Wait here while I get the PADD back."

Spock moved and sat in his chair with his perfect posture, still showing no sign of discomfort while Jim exited his quarters to get his PADD he hastily left behind in the mess hall. Luckily, the hall was still void of anyone else, so he grabbed the device and returned with speed to the officer.

Jim had to take a moment to yawn, his loudest one yet in his little to no sleep period. At least his brain was still in working order, so he should be fine.

He walked through the doors to find the First Officer and he willed his eyes to dry. Spock really had so much trust in him? He really was too good for him.

Nevertheless, Jim sat across from him and numbly opened the PADD to show the pie chart again. He stared at it, his mind stubbornly drawing a blank at any ideas what to do. His flimsy descriptions of the emotions didn't seem to have the right effect and asking Spock to repeat the same activity that caused him distress was worse.

"May I suggest," the officer spoke up, "reviewing the grey section; the one with words associated with fear."

"You sure?" He asked, Spock reaffirming it was alright.

Well alright then.

At that moment, another yawn tore through him.

Spock raised a single eyebrow, Jim waving it off, "I'm fine. Now how do you want to approach this?"

Fortunately Spock seemed to take his answer as fact and replied, "I actually did find the concept of associating a memory with an emotion beneficiary for myself."

Jim desperately wanted to ask if he was sure of this, although didn't wish to annoy Spock with the constant pestering. So he read the first word of the pie slice and asked Spock to think of a memory he could think of when he felt fear.

Jim sat patiently as Spock thought intensely for several beats, raised his head, then continued his pondering. He could only imagine the wheels turning in the officer's head, either trying to come up with what he thought was a fearful moment or deciding whether to say it or not.

Then, "I had a recollection of fear when I encountered a Le-Matya for the first time."

Jim had to take a moment to rack his brain for the definition of what that was, then asked for confirmation, "A Vulcan creature, right?"

"Indeed." Spock's face remained neutral. At least this was a good start.

The next six words after fear were humiliation, rejection, submissive, insecure, anxious and scared, all heavy concepts. God, the rest of the colored sections only got more depressing after this. He was definitely going to need a few drinks after this.

Also to help keep himself awake too, because another rather loud yawn came out of him, causing Spock to say, "We could resume this lesson for another day Jim so you could get adequate rest."

"I'm alright Mister Spock," he kept the annoyance out of his voice, "just a human reflex. I'm not tired."

The First Officer nodded and didn't say anything more. 

Every part of Jim said to leave and not do this, but he fought against it and asked, "Do you have a moment of humiliation you could think of?"

Spock was quiet for a couple seconds, then said with a slight frown on his face, "I do not."

"Well, do you know what the feeling is? I could give you an example."

"I would appreciate that, Jim."

He took a moment to contemplate how to explain this to be understood easily, "Well it's like when you feel like everyone is watching you, the mistake you previously made; doesn't matter if you did anything or not. Even if you didn't mean to make that mistake, it's public now and you feel a deep sense of… regret and shame for what you did."

Spock listened with rapt attention, then said, "I understand. Then yes, I have felt it before."

"Okay, you don't have to say what it was," Jim continued, "Rejection?"

"When one of the Tribbles vehemently refused to be held by me."

Jim snorted. Spock had an amused glint in his eye as the captain regained himself, "Well if you feel any better, they didn't respond kindly to me either."

"I remember."

The Superior Officer glared with a poorly hiddened grin on his face, secretly glad their previous troubles were behind them because he really did enjoy the back and forth rhythm between them and will gladly appreciate this. It almost made Jim forget his mistake, but he would make sure this time not to do it again.

"How about submissive?" Seeing Spock's face twist to noticable confusion, he continued, "Willing to give up control per say, to go with the flow of the moment?"

"No, I do not have a memory of any moment like that." He answered, so Jim gave an example of when he was forced to confront his bullies during his academy years, feeling so helpless even though he knew the bullies were only jealous of him. Spock quipped back how they had no common sense to see how bright of a student Jim really was, the captain feeling his cheeks heat up again without his permission, so he moved on to insecurity.

His officer's face turned back to a grimace and Jim was ready to move on to the next words until Spock spoke up before he had the chance to, "I distinctly remember my first years growing up on Vulcan."

The captain's face fell into one of understanding. He didn't know much of Spock's childhood on his home planet, but he believed it was pleasant enough with supportive parents. Considering he wished to 'follow the human path' as he put it from now on, his childhood probably was more negative than he once thought.

"You don't have to tell me anymore," Jim spoke softly, "we can move on if you want to."

"It is… therapeutic, in a sense, relaying this information to you," Spock's face and body language spoke otherwise, "It is what humans do, I have noticed." His hands were under the table, yet Jim was sure they were in tight fists. He looked just like when he was in Bones' office, somehow worse.

"Doesn't mean though they _want to_ if they don't _want to_." He tried putting enough emphasis in his sentence without too much suspicion, which was easier said than done.

His First Officer ignored him and asked, "Could you give me a definition of anxiety?"

Jim sighed to himself, hoping Spock didn't hear his frustration and replied, "It's tied closely with fear because it has the similar sense of thinking something is wrong. Could be anything, could be nothing, but the mind can play tricks on you saying something is wrong, leading to a tight feeling in your body, your senses are overwhelmed and you have to take a moment to shake it off.

"Mostly every human has it, some have it more frequently than normal and they get help for it." He finished, watching as Spock was silent for longer than usual. Jim didn't want to interrupt whatever he was thinking about, though his mind was nagging at him to make sure he was completely okay.

His First Officer faced him again, "I have felt it before." and left it at that. Jim knew he would _not_ make the same mistake again of pressuring him, nope, he will _not_ …

Jim nodded and glanced down at the pie chart, "And have you felt scared?"

"It is almost identical to fear, am I correct?"

"Yes, you are. Just like the last emotions, some are just smaller feelings of larger ones, to put it simply."

"Then I have felt it before many times, almost countlessly," Spock answered, "I apologize for not bringing up a memory."

"There's no need, Spock." Jim's voice went back to a soft tone for his officer, "Fear is a difficult thing to discuss, especially for humans."

He seemed to understand what Jim meant, nodding once and letting his lips naturally curl upward for the first time this particular session, causing a flurry of fuzziness to flow through Jim, which he promptly shoved away.

His eyes fell upon the chart again and he read the last twelve words of the grey area, ignoring how his sight kept constantly shifting out of focus. Jim decided to go for the straightforward approach and made sure to catch Spock's gaze, "Now just because I'm remembering… you do wish to do all the words?"

"I do, Jim." Spock said with sincerity dripping from his lips. Jim felt the heat from his face travel down to the rest of his body, privately embarrassing himself further. He dropped his head, trying to maintain his composure but knew he was probably doing a poor job at it. Although this position was surprisingly comfortable, with his chin resting on his soft, soft uniform…

"Jim." Spock's voice broke through his drowsiness. He picked his head up with enough force to cause a slight headache.

"Sorry." Jim mumbled apologetically, but when he looked up, Spock was no longer in his chair, now on a small couch in the far right corner of where his bed was.

He sat on the right side of the couch, hands folded on his lap and back straight as he silently waited for Jim to… apparently come over.

"It is more comfortable than the hard material of the chair." Spock said it like it was only practical to move over to the inviting couch sitting nearly hip to hip with his First Officer. 

Jim wanted to argue against the idea, that he would only feel more tired sitting there - because of course the issue wasn't sitting so close to him, why would it be - but his will to go sink down into the cushions was a stronger temptation. His officer was trying to think of him, most likely trying to make up for the awkward situation earlier, he couldn't just reject his friendly offer.

With that, Jim shuffled over and got himself situated on the left side of the couch. He felt his thigh brush against his officer's knee and he was able to look away before Spock could see his face grow hotter. He would scold himself in the morning about the impulsive decision; for now, he will enjoy listening to his sleep-deprived brain.

Jim reopened the PADD and mumbled, "Make sure you keep me up."

"I thought you said you were not tired." He could hear the lighthearted tone in Spock's voice without looking at him. Jim gave a half-smile and turned the PADD around. 

In this new position, his body was farther away from Spock, yet their knees were practically knocking against each other. Jim elected to ignore it, "So the first one of this row is ridicule, under humiliation."

"As in… one who insults someone else?" Spock questioned with uncertainty. 

"Yes, pretty much. It could also be a type of emotion you feel personally, whether you felt like you were insulted or not."

"Emotions like this," Spock said slowly, "is common for the feeling to begin internally without outside interference?"

"Unfortunately yes," Jim sighed, "one of the many downfalls of the human mind."

The First Officer didn't respond, so the Superior Officer interpreted it as permission to continue, trying to keep his head upright in order to stop it from dropping down on the right of him to rest on the back of the couch.

His tongue felt heavy, "Disrespected?"

"You did not let me say a memory that was associated with ridicule yet." Spock interrupted. Jim internally cursed at himself for his mind dozing off.

"You're right," his eyes felt heavier and heavier at every word coming out of his mouth, "What ah, what memory do you have?"

"When the Emperor of Rikex II continuously tried to insist he was superior to every other alien species." 

Jim nodded, "Wanted to knock his lights out so bad, was practically belittling every crewmen he saw."

"Yet the supplies he held for Holvelus were of much importance." Spock affirmed, Jim catching the tail end of the sentence to be able to agree.

"Well now, what about disrespect? A different memory." he said clearly, annoyingly harder to accomplish as his head stubbornly continued trying to rest on the ridiculously comfortable cushion… which was also relaxing to rest his side on… it was sore from all his previous workouts recently…

He jerked up suddenly and was going to apologize but his officer was quicker, "Are you positive you want to do the session to completion?"

"Yes, it's more…" he struggled to find the word, until it came to him in a flash, "efficient, that way."

"Now disrespect?" Jim asked again and Spock was now back in his thoughts.

The only sound now in the room was the ventilation and the constant hum of the ship far off. It was always nice to listen to as he drifted off to sleep, like white noise filling his thoughts and his body, making him float off, off, off…

Jim was too far away to fight against his unconsciousness as it took over.


	7. Kup-fun-tor Ha'kiv Na'ish Du Stau?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Surak saying: Can you return life to what you kill?

Witnessing a human asleep was different to what Spock calculated they would look like, unlike when they were unconscious by other means.

Or perhaps it was different because the matter pertained to Jim. Although, the captain was always different than the average. 

For one, whenever Spock saw him when he was unconscious by force, his face remained stoic and blank. When he was asleep, his face relaxed in a way Spock rarely ever saw, lips parted slightly and eyebrows relaxed instead of tight and uniformed.

It alighted the same feeling of joy in him like other times, yet it also brought the unpleasant dread along with it, like he was watching something forbidden.

Spock looked away, the evening's previous events going through his mind like pictures: the claustrophobic feeling when he was overwhelmed by Jim asking for clarification, his body moving seemingly on its own, his vision slowly coming into focus in his room, until he finally laid on his bed to stare at his ceiling. 

His body altogether ached when he saw his captain enter his quarters like he had accepted an awful fate. It was his own fault for not being able to keep his feelings under control, not his at all!

The First Officer hummed at this thought; he was attempting to forget his Vulcan teachings about feelings, yet needed them at that moment. Spock felt the metaphysical rain hit him harder at this thought, so he dismissed it.

But at least Jim was seemingly able to move on, seeing how he was finally able to rest after his constant struggling to stay conscious. Spock knew he was teetering on the edge of uncertainty, not knowing how the Superior Officer would react to his deception by inviting him on the couch and purposefully breaking Jim's promise to help keep the captain awake. After what they both experienced with the constant intense emotions, Spock felt that rest was in order for him. Though was he supposed to bring Jim back to his own space, or leave him be? He did seem comfortable with his head leaning heavily on the back of his couch when Spock glanced at him again.

Spock knew he couldn't go to sleep yet, not until he got his inner turmoil in order. Confusion seemed to be confronting him the more he continued his practice to become human when situations required his childhood teachings he now resented.

He stood up so he could move around slowly to keep up with the pace of his mind.

It might just be a natural brain mechanism, resisting change and going back to familiar solutions. Nevertheless, he had to figure out how to solve this dilemma so Jim would not have to be at the receiving end of his problems anymore.

Spock heard his human half say five small words and his Vulcan half immediately repelled the idea… but he took a beat to repeat back what it said.

_Demonstrate what you have learned._

In science, when one was conducting an experiment, they must perform one hypothesized version of it first so one would not come to the wrong conclusion.

So in this case, Spock now had the choice to practice his newfound emotional skills with someone else so he could see if relying solely on what he learned on being human was more beneficial to him.

While the idea in theory was logi - smart, he was now left in a vulnerable position of presenting himself to someone else differently than how he always appeared.

But as Spock's eyes fell upon Jim's face again - and looking away just as fast - so calm and strangely young looking, he knew he could not turn back now; the entire process of becoming human was what he wanted and a part of it was applying it to his life.

Now Spock had to make the decision of who to go to. He knew talking to someone he already had a respectable relationship with would be easier to tackle than with some other crewman who had undoubtedly heard of his 'reputation'. But how would he be able to explain to whoever his choice of a newfound path toward being human, preferably without sending him into an emotional spiral again?

Mister Sulu, Mister Chekov and Mister Scott, despite being trusted navigators and engineers respectively to the _Enterprise_ would probably lack the capacity to understand his reasoning. Lieutenant Uhura was unafraid to speak her mind, yet he felt like she would try to 'dig deep' into why Spock chose to be human in the first place. This unfortunately left the only person Spock could think of to turn to; Doctor McCoy. 

While they did have an albeit tense working relationship most of the time, the Science Officer did respect the doctor for his medical expertise and kindness for humanity, an aspect of McCoy Spock would find useful for his current dilemma.

Not giving another look at Jim's sleeping face, he turned to the door and left to head to the Medical Bay where he knew the doctor would be working past his normal shift, a habit he did regularly. Spock could already hear the metaphorical battle in his head to turn back before enacting this sudden experiment, but despite the confusing information rattling through him, he continued walking until he reached the turbolift. 

The experiment was straightforward in and of itself; talk and act how Spock's human self wanted him to be, ignoring his Vulcan instincts and witness the results in McCoy and himself. The outcome will be unknown to him and if by chance his newfound abilities in humanity failed him and his Vulcan half could have helped… there was no need to ponder about the possibility if it didn't happen in the first place.

Spock heard the familiar ding of the turbolift, alerting him of his arrival at the medical bay and was… appreciated? Relieved, there was no one else around except for the sound of clanging equipment that had the usual roughness related to the Medical Officer. 

Even though Spock exited the elevator, he remained standing where he was and breathed deeply in and out, then marched closer to the banging of metal.

Just as he predicted, the Chief Medical Officer was rearranging items in cabinets that held hypo sprays and the like. Spock stood where he was in the outer doorway, contemplating how he should have figured out a proper way to approach McCoy about this.

But unfortunately he did not have time to think about this anymore as the doctor turned to his right slightly and caught the Science Officer's gaze.

"Can I help ya', Spock?" He grumbled, closing the cabinet door and went to work on the one next to it, "Must be important to bother me at this time of night."

Spock could approach this in two ways: act ignorant of McCoy's confusion with his new behavior or explain what he had been learning for the past seventy-one hours. While the idea of keeping him, as the other crewmen would say 'in the dark' was amusing, this would possibly interfere with the experiment and not get accurate results. If McCoy knew about his recent studying, then he could give an honest response about his human approach.

But Spock could at least begin acting ignorant to see what happened.

"It is nothing of importance, I just came over to see…" this sounded right, "how you have been."

The officer paused his movements and took a good long look at Spock. His eyes squinted as if he was looking at the sun, then he said with much more clarity in his voice, "Could you repeat that again?"

"I wanted to see how you have been." Spock continued using an upbeat tone. Another beat past as he kept close watch on McCoy's face which still remained blank in expression. Spock was definitely amused.

After six point nine seconds passed, the doctor sprung into action, striding over to the officer and guiding him to one of the beds while rambling, "Right, okay, you seem normal but clearly not, so you better sit here while I go get Ji -"

"There is no need for him, Bones." Spock let the common nickname for him slip just to see McCoy's flabbergasted face, his movements stuttering momentarily. 

"The hell there isn't," he exclaimed, "now sit down so I can get that green blood a' yours."

Spock remained standing as the doctor struggled to make him sit down on the bed. He decided to let go of the act, "I can tell you the reason for my unusual greeting if you let go of me."

McCoy's pushing stilled and he stared at the Science Officer's face until he reluctantly dropped his arms. 

"It better be a damn good reason." The Medical Officer muttered loud enough for Spock to hear.

"I have recently decided upon myself to, per say, follow the path of a human, such as their culture and mindset."

He waited for a response and after a brief moment, McCoy turned back to the intercom and said, "Sure."

Spock was able to grab his arm gently before he hit the button and kept his voice level, "It may sound unbelievable Doctor, but it is true."

"Right, and I decided to give up my Southern upbringing and become a New Yorker." He snapped back and Spock was now - regretting? Yes, definitely regretting bringing this up with the Chief Medical Officer. 

"You can test me right now and I will oblige, but you will find all will come out negative, for there is nothing physically or psychologically unbalanced in me." Spock spoke clearly and with slight force so the doctor would hopefully believe he was sound-minded.

"Alright then, can you give me an answer on why you want to give up your pointy-eared heritage to become one of us?" He asked. The First Officer felt the steady drops of rain hit his skin again, slowly but building up speed. While this was present when Jim asked the same question, perhaps the emotional drain of today made it seem like the pouring of dread on him was more intense than the last time.

The best course of action was to give the same explanation he gave Jim, so Spock spoke, trying to pay no mind to the incoming storm, "You have pointed out many times the downside of being Vulcan and while you did not inspire me to become human, I did process my decision to become a human in a similar manner."

"By me raving about hobbits and unusual physicality?"

"As I said, my thinking process about desiring to become human was only in a similar manner to what you repeated over the course of the five year mission."

McCoy crossed his arms, still attempting to read him until he eventually flung his arms in the air and scoffed, "I still don't buy it, but I don't wanna run needless tests on something as ridiculous as changing cultures, so I guess I'll believe you."

"Thank you Bones."

"And stop calling me that."

"It is your nickname."

"It's a nickname that only a certain few are allowed to use and while I do consider you a close colleague, I'll need time to decide if I want to hear you say it or not." McCoy said with finality. Spock didn't press him anymore, though he did ask about why the doctor was now grabbing a glass and alcoholic drink from another cabinet. 

"And there he is." McCoy muttered but with a slight smirk on his lips as he poured a generous amount of the Romulan Ale before setting it back, "And to answer your question, I'm supposed to be off duty."

Spock did not ponder on how the 'there he is' comment made him feel.

The doctor took a large sip of the beverage, then licked his lips and said to supposedly Spock, "I knew you are - _were,_ a stubborn Vulcan, but I never actually considered you would just… follow your other heritage. From now on, am I right?"

"You are correct in that regard." he replied with a stiff lip. He knew Doctor McCoy would be brutally honest, yet Spock still wished he had prepared slightly before enacting his experiment. He couldn't worry about that now; he must remain focused on what he came here for, to practice being human.

"And you still haven't answered my question on how you have been recently." He asked this again, knowing it's a common exchange of greeting.

McCoy rolled his eyes before responding with less snide, "Fine. What 'bout you?"

The Science Officer processed the question and settled on the honest yet humanly natural answer, "I have been great the past few days. Noticeably feeling more joyful during my time learning about humanity's emotions."

"By God, you are serious."

"Could you tell by the acknowledgement of my feelings?"

"Well that too, but I also just realized how you always gave an exact measurement of time. The lack of it jarred me, to be honest."

This did not surprise Spock the Medical Officer would now notice the smallest things about his previous speech pattern. He did felt like he was… succeeding. Yes, succeeding in the social conversation aspect.

McCoy took another gulp of his alcohol, "So you're teaching yourself about emotions first?"

"Not necessarily," he replied, "I have reasoned if I had the emotional knowledge, the rest of what comes with feeling human would too."

"Well I dunno about that," McCoy responded while gingerly nursing his ale, "understanding the social rules of humanity is something that others struggle with almost all their life. Doesn't make them less human."

Spock felt a burning heat in his throat, a sign meaning he would in human terms 'lash out' attempting to explain why this was a ridiculous statement. He decided to ask, "Then what defines a human?"

"You can't answer that, no one can!" Doctor McCoy blurted out with an incredulous expression.

It was growing like a parasite, this frustration, causing Spock's human half to override his rational thoughts, "You have made yourself clear what is human or not."

He was slightly, what? Shocked? Amazed? One of the two, of how his voice stayed neutral throughout the little burst. But now he felt it: icy drizzle on his skin, creeping into his thoughts.

The Medical Officer's face stayed perfectly blank and as more time ticked on, the more Spock mentally scolded himself for acting downright inappropriate _no no this is wrong_ \- well, the Vulcan part of himself scolded his human half.

According to the rules Spock established for this experiment, he was supposed to ignore whatever the Vulcan side deemed right or wrong; but why did he still feel… what? What was the word?

"That's true and I'm sorry, Spock," McCoy said solemnly, cutting off the First Officer's stream of thought, "Usually I only mention it when you seem to act what you call illogical during some crisis that could've been resolved by human compassion. But it still isn't right of me."

"You are correct in one regard," he only spoke about the part that metaphorically 'caught his ear', "most situations we have gotten ourselves into needed human compassion."

"They need both," the doctor's voice was so soft it was like a whisper, "the human and the Vulcan."

Would Spock be able to stand properly considering the uneven weight in his body?

"But it's okay if you don't wanna be a Vulcan anymore or whatever that means," McCoy finished his drink and started to wash the glass out, "Because I sure as hell know you're still intelligent."

 _The intelligence bound with his Vulcan half_ , his humanity hissed in response.

Spock ignored this thought and asked while the Chief Medical Officer was putting his glass back in the cabinet, "What have you been doing before I entered?"

He saw McCoy's eyebrows quirk up, "Keeping the med bay somewhat organized. What have you done before coming here to announce your change in lifestyle?"

Spock felt a frown tugging at his face, so he frowned and answered honestly, "I have been learning about the emotions relating to fear."

Spock felt a strange sour taste invade his tongue after saying this but tried to not pay it any attention as McCoy said, "Must be an interesting experience."

"Indeed." Why would this nauseating flavor and cold rain not go away? 

The Science Officer was trying to use all his might to remain focused on the Medical Officer. It was his goal to be human, so why was his body at first responding positively to the new shift now vehemently rejecting it? This was what he wanted!

He realized McCoy was now moving toward the doorway, so he hastily followed him and caught part of the doctor's sentence, "- should be heading to bed now, cause I'm sure that Jim will catch wind of me staying past shift and chew me out on how I should take care of my needs."

Spock recognized his voice as it spoke, "The captain is the considerate type toward all of his crewmen."

"He sure is." Doctor McCoy said as he entered the turbolift, Spock deciding to follow him, "Speaking of him, he would probably be helpful in that regard of teaching about emotions."

"He would be." The First Officer replied, his mind without his permission showed flashes of their previous lessons; Jim's booming laugh, him monologuing about similar emotional experiences, tonight when Jim repeatedly lifted his head before it touched the backside of the couch. Jim truly was attempting to be the best teacher of humanity as best as he could, which made Spock's skin somehow grow more cold, the repeating of _bad bad he is too good_ invading his thoughts again. It was strange and unwarranted.

"Well it's only if you want to, but I think it'll be a good idea to have someone that is human and watch their behavior," McCoy's voice was too far away, just like earlier with Jim when Spock slipped into his head, the _wrong wrong_ kept getting louder and he just wanted it to stop.

"I will… think about it," he struggled to say. They finally arrived at Spock's floor and he kept his back to McCoy and walked away in a brisk pace, "I found this beneficial to me. Good night, Doctor."

"You sure?" He asked, "You seem a little -"

"The average human needs at least nine hours of sleep, so I believe it is time for me to rest." He said, hoping he was too far away for the doctor to hear the shake in his voice.

He heard McCoy whisper-shout, "My apologies again for my previous comments!"

Spock walked briskly back to his quarters and tried to figure out the name of the feeling for why he felt sick after his conversation. When he entered, he was pleasantly surprised to remember he left Jim on his couch to sleep, the man now slumped over so his head was resting on the cushion where Spock sat before, facing out and breathing quietly. The First Officer felt the sour flavor and sticky rain on his skin dissolve away the more he watched Jim sleep soundly. Clearly the captain had not gotten proper enough rest to be able to doze on his furniture, knowing how firm the cushions were himself.

Spock's eyes landed on one of his small pillows he placed on one of his chairs. He went over and picked it up but stopped what he was doing.

The idea of placing Jim back in his own room was possibly the best option, although jostling the sleeper would most likely awaken him and he would have to explain why Jim fell asleep. Logica - _technically_ , Spock could give an explanation tomorrow and not worry about it now.

So with the small pillow, Spock walked carefully over to Jim and reached out his left hand towards his head. He placed his fingers so they lightly grasped the side of the captain's temple pressed against the couch and tested his idea by lifting Jim's face slightly. When nothing happened, Spock shifted his fingers so they were gripping the right side of his head and gently lifted his head just enough so he could slide the pillow with his other hand underneath. Once he was sure the pillow would comfortably support Jim's head and neck, Spock laid his hand down so his fingers were now between Jim's temple and the pillow. 

When he was almost about to remove his fingers, his captain mumbled and shift. Spock stilled, already trying to think of a way to explain his actions, yet was fortunate to see Jim just slightly roll over… with his face now pressed against his open palm. 

Spock didn't dare breath in case he accidentally jerked his hand and disturbed the Superior Officer's slumber. He felt like cursing at his Vulcan physique, being able to feel all the smallest things about his officer's face increase tenfold. The trimmed sideburns tickled his hand while his fingers were gently buried in Jim's soft yet fuzzy hair and every single bump on his cheek pressed against his palm like touching a painting filled with a rough texture. Yet it was still soft like a rose petal, the natural heat from the captain's cheek pleasing to Spock's own skin, warming him like a glove…

Spock realized what he was doing and nearly choked on the sudden onslaught of emotions he now noticed. There were so many waves pummeling inside him it was hard to concentrate on anything else except how he wanted to continue reading and feeling Jim's face. Instead, Spock gasped audibly and removed his hand from Jim as swiftly as possible without waking him up. 

He stood up with a snap and held his left hand like he burned it, ashamed of his highly inappropriate actions. Spock backed away, confronted with the overwhelming urge to scream at his mind to quiet down so he could at least understand the contradicting feedback.

During his conversation with Doctor McCoy, he struggled to stay where he was when he wanted to leave and get rid of the bitter taste in his mouth and heavy weight on his skin. Yet with Jim... there was only joy? 

He felt his brain swell into an oncoming headache but dismissed it, trying to decipher the clutter of his thoughts because he was rushing headfirst into familiar memories of Jim smiling, of him looking forlorn because of his own actions, all because his emotions got the better of him when all he wanted to do was say what Jim deserved to hear from a person who _hurt him_ when he identified as Vulcan but had control of his emotions and now - now it was - it was all so _wrong_.

Him admitting his emotions out loud felt **_wrong_**.

Spock collapsed into the closest chair.

No no no, he wanted to say them, he still did, it was all he wanted to do when he said he felt ashamed about his feelings of friendship for Jim. But now this strange experience of forcing emotions out of him was having a negative effect on his mind and body and it left him so confused.

Spock decided to try to come to his surroundings first as a start, so he focused on the feelings of his hands which were holding his forehead tightly and loosened them so he didn't bruise himself, then opened his eyes and watched as they cleared so he could see his room. The Science Officer then registered the rest of his body, slumped over like he was about to fall asleep on his lap. He straightened himself in his chair.

Okay.

Spock caught a glimpse of his Superior Officer at the corner of his eye and suddenly remembered he kept a spare fleece blanket in his bottom dresser drawer. He stood to go retrieve it and went over to Jim, unfolding it over his prone body so it covered him correctly. He had the urge to wrap the blanket more tightly around him so it will have less of a chance of falling off but knew he shouldn't. 

The Science Officer then laid down on his own bed and faced away from the couch and from Jim, knowing he needed to sleep. 

His mind still raged, yet there was only one clear thought echoing through it all: _What he was doing was_ _for the betterment of himself; for Jim._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what's better than McCoy and Spock bickering? McCoy realizing how hurtful his words can be (I still love the southern doctor, though).
> 
> Link to Robyn's masterpost: https://marlinspirkhall.tumblr.com/


	8. Bosh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Full - containing all that is normal or possible; complete in every particular.

Jim felt something soft wrapped around the right side of his face, like a large feather. The lingers of his dream were still fresh in his mind even though he couldn't exactly describe what it was about. Nevertheless, he could remember feeling a hand on his face, cradling him with gentleness while the hand itself was rough with callouses, every part of Jim's being filled with so much care and love.

Smile still on his face, Jim came back to reality and appreciated how his face was sunken into this tiny cocoon of a cloud, barely able to see his surroundings as he slowly felt the rest of his body wake up. He could register the stiff padding and thin blanket covering him -

Wait.

The captain slowly lifted his head so he could peek above this - extremely comfortable - pillow, hoping it didn't make his might-be captor notice him and cracked open his left eye only to find himself in a familiar room inside the _Enterprise_.

He now remembered the roller coaster that was yesterday piece by piece: making Spock - possibly for the first time - run off, their awkward making up, Jim struggling to stay awake, Spock offering his couch, sitting so close to the First Officer he could feel his body heat… 

Damn it, he must've fallen asleep, even when they were so close to finishing the one piece of the chart! And now Spock probably felt like he couldn't wake Jim up so the Superior Officer could notice his own incompetence… and made sure he was comfortable with a pillow and blanket?

He felt the blood rush to his cheeks and he instinctively pulled the semi-small blanket to cover his face, still making sure to keep his eyes uncovered, now realizing he was the only person in Spock's quarters. Made sense; it was uncomfortable to have your captain just slump over asleep in your room. Probably kept himself busy with starship work, not wanting to be in such proximity to him, Jim betting he was still handling what happened last night -

The door opened and he curled up, ready to stand, but only found Spock standing in the doorway.

Holding a tray of breakfast food and giving a wide smile when he saw Jim.

He shouldn't have assumed so quickly the situation seemed alright. Was there anything between the lesson and him falling asleep that happened? He couldn't for the life of him remember, but clearly something did happen to be causing - this.

His friend's smile dropped slightly and he said with uncertainty, "I apologize for not holding up my promise to keep you conscious."

Jim tried to say something for a couple seconds, then croaked, "You were fine."

It seemed like Spock remembered the tray of food he was holding, so he walked over to the nearest dresser to Jim, "I am glad you woke up naturally as I decided to get you breakfast from the replicator."

He set the food down and the captain could now see the rather large omelette, the food filling his senses with the smell of delicious eggs and a hint of onion and pepper.

"It - it looks amazing, Mister Spock," Jim couldn't help but gawk at the meal, "Thank you so much."

The grin was back on the Science Officer's face and Jim wanted his own lips to match his. He almost forgot Spock's entire goal was to be human, so this must be him reflecting what he's seen. Of course his sleep deprived brain immediately saw this unusual behavior as something unnatural and cursed himself for it.

It was probably the reason why Jim still felt uneasy seeing his colleague so relaxed, he just needed to wake up with the omelette.

The Superior Officer picked up the tray and asked, "You already ate breakfast then, I assume?"

"Affirmative," he answered, "I wanted you to get as much rest as possible, considering today you do not have the morning shift."

"I don't?" He asked more to himself, then it came back to him, "Of course, thank you for the reminder."

"I have the morning shift starting in about ten minutes," Spock said. 

Jim mouthed _about?_

"You can sit and eat in my area if you wish." 

Jim nearly blushed again at this onslaught of kindness he woke up too, definitely not prepared for this sudden of a shift in the officer's character. Jim guessed he imagined it more of a gradual descent into the role of being - well, emotional. But if Spock wanted to move this fast, then he could only encourage him on.

"I think I will," he mumbled shyly, "thanks again."

Spock nodded, grin still plastered onto his face as he left to go start his shift.

Jim nodded to no one, still processing the morning as he sat back down on the couch with the tray of breakfast food. It did look appetizing, Spock seemingly knowing what he liked to eat. 

He munched on the meal silently and appreciated the quiet atmosphere of the room, admiring the strange art that must've been made on Vulcan. He had been in his First Officer's quarters before, yet only really focused on the man himself whenever he needed him. The room was nice, sensual even.

He groaned, thinking why he had to think about wanting to live in these quarters. He must still be sleep-deprived. Yeah, that sounds right.

Jim continued to eat on the firm couch until he heard the intercom ring. Without putting much thought into it, he set the tray aside and went over to press the button, announcing his presence with a, "Kirk here."

"... Jim?" The voice of a certain southern doctor asked, bewilderment in his voice.

Right. 

Still in Spock's room.

Which he should have known since he was _just_ thinking about it.

Why was this little amount of sleep affecting him differently now than all the others times he went for hours on end with no rest? 

He couldn't think about it now, so he answered meekly, "Yes."

"Why are y -" a pause, "what?"

"Well…" what on Earth could he say to explain his situation? Jim opted to just say why he was there and nothing more, "I fell asleep in Mister Spock's quarters last night."

"Because?"

"... I was tired."

There was more silence for a couple seconds, then Bones said, "Can you meet me in the Med Bay?"

"Er," he stuttered, "Why?"

"Just get here. McCoy out." He grunted and hung up.

Jim stared at the intercom for a beat, already and utterly done with the quick succession of this morning and went back over to his omelette so he could try to eat some more of the meal - it really was good, not like normal replicator breakfast - and rearranged the couch so the pillow and blanket were nestled on top of a corner of it, then took the tray out of the room.

He speed-walked over to the mess hall to set the tray back with all the other dirty dishes, then headed over to the turbolift and went up to the Medical Bay.

As the door opened, the doctor was already standing near it and before Jim could speak up and ask what he needed, McCoy grabbed a hold of his arm in a somewhat gentle way while muttering loudly, "Seriously! For being captain, you do not think things through enough, damnit."

"Uh." Is all he could let out as the Medical Officer kept yelling while dragging him over to one of the empty beds, "I get it, for some missions you are… compromised, but this you could've at _least_ let me know beforehand."

"Wait, wait!" Jim was finally able to cut in before McCoy was about to hook his left arm up to a machine meant for scanning blood, "Before what?"

"For sleeping with the First Officer, that's what!" He snapped and Jim was going to - oh.

Uh.

How did he not realize the implications of answering from Spock's room beforehand? Either way, his Chief Medical Officer was now suspecting him and it was embarrassing. 

"Bones, no, stop!" He almost screamed at his friend, pulling his arm away while trying to say, "We didn't do anything like that."

"That's how it always is," Bones said back, "now quit being a child and let me scan ya' health."

"Nothing happened, I swear!" Jim squeaked, his entire face probably beet red now at this point.

"Oh really?" The doctor questioned, "then what did?"

"We were…" Spock never asked if they wanted to keep the lessons private, Jim assuming he did, "playing chess. I got tired and I," he softly spoke the last part, "accidentally fell asleep in his room."

The doctor squinted at him and Jim hoped he would believe him until another voice suddenly came from a little bit aways, "I am here, Doctor."

Shit.

The two turned their heads towards the Science Officer, standing with his hands hanging at his hips and head tilted at the two. Spock raised an eyebrow and asked, stepping farther into the room, "Is something the matter?"

"Spock," McCoy started and Jim could only look down, hoping the men wouldn't notice, "What did you and Jim do last night?"

The First Officer scrunched up his lips at this, Jim thought he could see some green on his cheeks as he answered, "Before I came to you, Jim was already teaching me about human emotions."

Wait, what? Spock was okay letting Bones know about his new path towards humanity - and by the sounds of it, after he fell asleep? 

While the two weren't exactly buddy-buddies with each other, it would supposedly make sense Spock went to someone else to let them know about his recent teachings since he would have to let others know of his new behavior.

The situation still felt strange to Jim in a way he couldn't describe. His train of thought was abruptly cut off when he heard Bones ask, "Then why didn't you tell me?"

"You only said I should go to him, not asking if I already did." Spock quipped back, an obvious smirk - an _obvious_ smirk - on his lips. 

McCoy sputtered a bit with no discernable meaning until he huffed, "Alright then, I guess you don't need tests."

"Tests for what?" The officer asked and Jim was going to blurt out some white lie until the First Officer's eyes widened… and then he chuckled. Short, but it was clear and loud. It barely lasted about two seconds, but Jim and Bones were speechless as Spock composed himself, "No, it was nothing like _that_."

Jim wanted to say something, but the intercom went off and Spock turned to answer. Lieutenant Uhura was calling, asking the First Officer to come back to the Bridge to respond to President Jenkwofr's call if he's done with whatever McCoy needed.

Spock thanked her and said the doctor didn't need him anymore and signed off, excusing himself without a glance behind him.

Jim and Bones were still frozen in their spots. 

"I would've told you about his… but I didn't -"

"You didn't know whether he wanted you to or not," the doctor finished. Bones had a slight grin on his face, "I can tell he seems to be learning a lot from you."

Jim shot him a side glare and the doctor raised his hands up, "Just a joke."

"Yeah, I know," he sighed and sat back down on the bed, "and I'm glad you believe me now."

"Just doing my job," McCoy didn't seem to notice how Jim's face was heating up again, "'cause you have no idea how many times I heard from fellow crewmen the same schtick about how they were just 'playing a board game'."

"Really?"

"Seriously, pretty much the same thing you said."

The captain willed his face to cool down as he thought over McCoy's words, because he apparently assumed him and Spock - no! No, they were only good friends. He never even thought of him as a potential crush before and never will. Although Jim thought it best to keep his thoughts to himself because he didn't want to hear Bones explaining how he thought that they were an… item.

Because they weren't. Definitely not.

"Well I'll let you go then... unless you wanna come with me to the rec room?" The Chief Medical Officer put out the offer. 

Jim considered the already unique beginning of his day and decided to follow the doctor, knowing he would have plenty of time to process what he'd seen this morning, "You good at chess?"

"Take a guess."

* * *

At least forty-five minutes passed since they began the game and Jim has already won both of the two matches they played.

Now three of them, McCoy throwing up his hands in exasperation, "Fucking kidding me!"

"Sore loser much?"

"Fuck you." he mumbled without any bite, Jim snorting.

This was definitely different then the other matches he and Spock played before and while it wasn't bad per say, competing against someone with a mind like the First Officer challenged him in ways he would never dream of. It was somehow the most casual yet exhilarating game experience of his life; Jim could say the same thing about Spock in general, where the most mundane things he did still made the captain feel happy to have the privilege of being able to talk with the officer as a close acquaintance.

Which brought Jim back to today.

It was strange, like talking with a completely different person. Honestly ridiculous to even say considering all the man did was change his posture and facial expressions, but this was Spock he was talking about. Who only let a smile slip when no one was looking, who said with the utmost awe, 'fascinating' when he saw an unexplainable phenomenon.

If Jim was honest with himself, he wanted to see more of those moments, but… not like what he saw this morning. How it looked like Spock was almost forcing it and trying to get out of the situation so he could drop the act.

"- im, you there?" He vaguely caught the tail end of what Bones said.

He replied hastily, "Sorry, drifted off there for a second."

"Perhaps you need more sleep." McCoy said with a knowing smirk. Jim glared as best as he could.

"I'm fine," the captain said bitterly, "just got lost in thought."

"Yeah, that's what I assumed," the doctor paused for a beat, then continued, "although I am glad you seemed to have slept better than that other night you told me about."

Jim wondered what he was talking about, then remembered; his sleepless night with intrusive thoughts, rambling about it to Bones days later. But in all honesty, the night in Spock's room despite the couch was nice. Peaceful even.

"I guess that's true. I feel much better." He agreed to what the good doctor said and didn't say anything else.

"Come on," the Chief Medical Officer pried while scooting the game aside, "I see there's more you want to say. What about if you tell me about the - whatever it is your doing with Spock and feelings."

Jim kept his eyes down at the edge of the table and questioned if it was alright to let him know. Spock did seem perfectly fine telling McCoy about it, so the captain thought telling him the main parts of the lessons was fine enough. 

"It's been going well," he began, "considering how well you can explain emotions to someone and all. But I think he is learning well, as you saw him today."

"You should've seen him last night," Bones chuckled a small bit, "trying to initiate a friendly conversation with me. That was probably more of a shock to me than today!"

Jim felt a blush, lighter than the ones before and wished he would stop acting like a schoolgirl for one moment, "I can imagine."

"But if he's happy with this new… dynamic of his," the officer rattled on, "then I guess I can deal with it."

"You don't like it?" Now this caught his attention, "Thought you would be ecstatic."

"I thought so too," he agreed, "but there was something more disturbing about a man who tries to act like one of us than being himself."

Jim didn't say anything about this and the doctor apparently noticed because he apologized, "I'm not trying to insult him or anything."

"No no, you're fine," he mumbled, and wrung his hands together and his mouth moved faster than his mind, "I see what you mean."

He groaned at the slip up, yet did feel the weight instantly lift from his shoulders and he shuddered. Jim felt the same disgust, the one when he was angry at himself for being scared of his friend, return to him. 

"Spock wanted to do this, even if it looks unnatural, because he's learning," he talked, pushing down the sickly feeling and hearing his voice rise, "he said to me this was his goal."

God, what was wrong with him? First he recoiled every time he thought about his friend's primal urges, now he was getting freaked out by Spock's genuine attempts being human? How horrible of a friend and person could he be? 

"I can tell it's his goal," the doctor said with a frown on his face, "but I can't help but feel a sense of force behind his -"

"Bones, enough." He snapped. He gasped quietly, realizing what he did and discreetly glanced around to fortunately find everyone seemed to not notice his little outburst. Jim looked back to his friend and saw his sad pitiful smile towards him and looked back done at the table, "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that."

"Jim, I understand." McCoy said with a weird urgency, "You want to defend him, especially after your own internal feelings about his Pon Farr."

He tried not to shudder again from the mention of his mating ritual and continued to listen to Bones, "But you're allowed to have your own feelings that are against Spock's own."

"I've already talked shit about his Vulcan instincts," he grumbled, "and now I feel shit about his human ones."

"You don't feel shit about his humanity. I don't even think you feel shit about his Vulcan either," the doctor sighed like he was saying something that was obvious and Jim wasn't able to talk over him about what he meant by he didn't feel horrible about Spock's Vulcan side, "you are just concerned about him _overall_ , just like me. He isn't just Vulcan or human - he's Spock."

"Yes I know that, so why -"

"You don't know that. You worry because you subconsciously slot him into categories of 'right' and 'not right'. You don't mean to do this, I can tell. It just means you realize what he's doing to himself isn't right for him."

Jim was breathing short and rapidly and he couldn't stop. He felt like his lungs were closed up but something about the last sentence… he focused on his surroundings as he took deep breaths.

 _He's Spock. He's Spock, my friend._ He remembered repeating various versions of this phrase a couple days ago and huffed. 

"Well, what do you want me to do, Bones?" Jim griped, "He wants to do this."

"Does he?"

Jim looked back down at the table. 

"Do you remember when he was in that trance before -"

"Please just stop reminding me." The captain muttered miserably.

"Let me finish, I swear it's important," McCoy cut him off, "When he entered battle-ready mode, he said your name when you volunteered to fight. T'Pau was shocked 'cause she previously said no one was coherent enough to speak in that state. But Spock did, meaning he was trying to do something _beyond his control_."

…Huh.

He… he really was right. Bones was right. Jim just finally believed it.

Spock wasn't one or the other. Maybe that was the reason why he seemed bothered by the officer's behavior this morning; during Pon Farr he was lustful with violence and now he wasn't being himself either. But there was still the thought in the back of his mind saying Spock really wanted to be human and this was how he was doing it. But how the hell would Jim be able to figure out what _Spock_ wanted?

The Superior Officer had limited ideas and options, yet he knew he would do anything in order to make Spock feel okay again. He just… wanted things to return to normal.

Yeah. Yeah, Jim just wanted it all like how it was. Where both he and Spock were in sync and comfortable with their lives. 

However he would do it, he would need to figure it out and _fast_ because if Spock was only forcing himself to act like this… he would never forgive himself if he couldn't help.

"Do you understand?" He heard the doctor ask and Jim realized how long time passed and replied quickly, "Yeah, you're right."

"And you're not saying that just t -"

"No, I actually do agree," he stood up, putting the game away, "and my shift should be starting soon anyways, so thanks Bones for the game and talk."

"Now hold up!" McCoy tried to get a word in but he was already putting the chessboard back where it was and leaving to head to the Bridge.

He was in the middle of shifting through multiple ideas, trying to picture how each one would play out because he doubt he would have another chance to talk honestly with Spock about how the officer truly feels. When Jim arrived and stepped on, he looked around for Spock and saw him… chatting with Miss Uhura.

"You really want to?" He heard her ask the officer in amazement and saw a glimmer of a smile on his face as he replied, "I believe you will be excellent on the lyre."

Spock was offering to teach Nyota how to play his Vulcan instrument? Jim didn't even try to ask if he could learn how to play, expecting a no from the First Officer but he just - 

Nope, not jealous. Why would he be? Spock still looked unnatural talking so casually so maybe he was just trying to be friendly towards everyone.

Because he was not jealous. Not at all.

But he could use this to his advantage.

Jim sat in his Captain's chair, catching Uhura seemingly confirming their 'class' would start at nineteen hundred hours and Jim cut in, "Mister Spock, how did the meeting with the president go?"

Spock turned around and went back to his own area, seemingly not realizing the captain entered and answered, "Exemplary. He had only wanted to make sure the Enterprise would arrive in its designated time."

"Which is?"

"Forty-eight hours and twenty-eight minutes, Sir."

"Perfect," he smiled at him, Spock doing the same before turning back around to his desk.

Jim faced forward, now able to have some time to himself to think about his game plan.

He only hoped it would work, because being an apathetic participant in the officer's plans was worse than wanting the best for Spock. No matter how he personally felt, it would all be fine, as long as Spock was sure of himself.


	9. Falor's Journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Vulcan folk song recounting the journey of enlightenment undertaken by the prosperous merchant, Falor; it contains 348 verses.

Was this what drowning felt like? 

According to his calculations _no no that is the Vulcan_ \- or was it? Spock didn't exactly care at the moment, only focused on his breathing and trying to will his, what's the word? Anxiety? Dread? Both? Whatever was making him feel constricted inside he wanted it to _end_.

Even after entering his quarters for his lunch break… however long ago it was. Whenever he arrived in his room, Spock's heart was still rapidly thumping against his side and his skin was seemingly dripping with icy cold rain.

The Science Officer still couldn't fully comprehend how he was able to stay working on the _Enterprise_ for the entire six hours when other times he barely lasted fifteen minutes without wanting to go and calm himself. Perhaps because he was able to focus on his work more instead of trying to socialize with the others; although he believed conversing with the officers had been going well so far.

Spock's first 'chat' with Mister Scott went surprisingly well, asking about the mechanisms of the starship and the Chief Engineer enthusiastically listing off all sorts of facts about the engines, seemingly not interested in why Spock asked in the first place. Next was with Mister Sulu and considering the Navigator would be on the same shift as his own, he would have to talk to him within the small Bridge. He now understood the human phrase of 'feeling all eyes on him' as he asked the man about his garden and while being confused at first, he also ended up going on a passion-fueled rant about his flowers and plants.

Spock had tried to listen and respond appropriately, he truly did. The more he attempted connecting to his human half, all he got in return was nausea and fear. He wanted to cry out at his own mind's indecision of what it desired but he couldn't because he already made the choice himself; to fully commit to humanity. 

Saying his emotions out loud felt wrong only because it was a new and daunting task, just as long as he continued, it would get easier overtime… it had to, for everyone around him. Especially for Jim, who had no idea of Spock's lingering hand on his cheek, clearly crossing an unannounced line. Jim didn't need to know about his First Officer being more than friendly with him when all Spock was trying to do was make him comfortable. 

Because that's all he was doing, yes. Not about how he wanted to continue feeling Jim's breath on his wrist or how textured his cheek was. He was just making sure he felt relaxed.

Spock didn't want to meditate, still having memories of the last time he did. As time ticked by, he finally brought his body back to normalcy and could read the clock to see it was ten minutes past twelve hundred hours - only ten minutes passed - Spock didn't dare sigh in relief, knowing he didn't have the strength to be emotional in any way for the time being. 

Although the image of Jim's surprised smile this morning flashed through his mind and he inhaled, pleased with himself. The breakfast was a success and there was no need for the sticky rain and weight in him since Jim was happy with his human-like kindness.

Another thing that mattered right now was to get lunch, his mind agreed on.

Spock left his quarters to go to the mess hall, making sure to grin at other ensigns passing by, each little smile he gave sending shockwaves and leaving a sour taste in his mouth. Just like before, he ignored it to the best of his ability. 

When Spock finally arrived, he wondered quietly what he should have, remembering the less than pleasant clam chowder from days ago and settled on a sandwich he heard humans enjoy: turkey and ham with white bread. Something that would usually go against his cultural upbringing, just like the clam chowder was. As a human though, he could choose whether to eat meat or not and knew he wanted to try it more despite what his digest system said otherwise.

When the machine processed Spock's order and developed it for him, he sat back in the farthest corner of the hall - certainly not because he wished to be left alone, of course not - to observe and take note of how the others interacted. Yes, it was something the Vulcan half of him had done before; he didn't dwell on it. Although the Science Officer did notice how many of the crewmen were constantly looking over to him then quickly turning away. The new change of his behavior must be getting conversed around the ship which shouldn't have surprised him, yet his insides were metaphorically twisting around themselves. 

He looked down at his plate, knowing people were still watching him and picked up his thin piece of food and took a rather large bite. Spock chewed slowly, willing his throat not to instinctively gag at the taste and swallowed the slimy bite. 

Now he knew next time he didn't care for turkey and ham either.

Just as Spock was about to take another bite of his lunch, he heard his name being called from across the hall. It sounded strangely like -

"Mister Spock!" He saw Jim walking casually towards him, tray in hand, Spock's own body constantly shifting from small waves of joy to a steady drizzle on his skin. Nevertheless, he still gave a grin to match Jim's own and he could swear he saw the Superior Officer's smile falter. He couldn't tell exactly, so he didn't think about it.

"Do you mind if I eat with you?" he asked. Spock nodded despite what his mind was saying and Jim sat opposite him and started munching on his meal, a salad it seemed to be, with a fast pace. He wanted to tell the Superior Officer to slow down but didn't know whether it be appropriate to say, so he ate his own sandwich some more, focusing on the smell rather than the texture.

Spock was still chewing on his third bite when he suddenly remembered; his conversation with Uhura where it started at first asking about her favorite songs unexpectedly led to a scheduled lyre lesson with her this evening. 

"Jim," Spock caught the captain's attention while he searched for those waves somewhere deep inside him, "I do not want to forget to tell you, but I hope you can forgive me for having to reschedule our class for another time."

"Oh!" Jim exclaimed, cutting Spock off before he could continue, "Is it because of what I heard - that you wanted to teach Lieutenant Uhura how to play?"

"Indeed." He was glad his work was, as humans said, 'paying off'. He had accomplished his small goal of getting Jim acquainted with his new change in behavior; so why were the waves of joy absent?

"That sounds like fun," Jim smiled, then it fell just as fast. Spock had seen this enough before to know it meant his Superior Officer wanted to say more. He remained quiet to see if he would continue and after a beat, Jim looked back up into his eyes and said, "Please tell me if this is inappropriate in any way, but… I've also wanted to know how to play."

Spock raised an eyebrow at this. The captain coincidentally wanted to learn too? He had always known the lieutenant wished to practice with the instrument, but he never recalled Jim showing interest too. Perhaps because he didn't pay attention, his Vulcan half deeming it illogical.

"I felt bad missing out on all those impromptu performances you did for everyone in the recreation room and I've been dying to know about this talent of yours." Jim finished, then seemed to realize something and look back down, making Spock… miss, yes, a strange melancholic loss of not being able to see Jim's warm colored eyes.

He was anticipating to retire to sleep after his lyre lesson with Miss Uhura, though after he heard Jim, he remembered reading an Earth study about the effects of the brain when around a close acquaintance. There could be a possibility Spock would be able to, as the study said, recharge mentally while teaching Jim.

"I would love to," and he did, he really did. At least, he will, but that was not the positive thing to say, "will the Observation Deck suffice, starting at twenty hundred hours and ending at twenty-one hundred hours?"

"Yes, that sounds perfect." Jim stated and quickly looked up and back down to resume eating his salad. Spock thought it would be a more adequate idea to try a vegetarian meal for dinner, he will make sure to remind himself.

And so he reluctantly returned to his sandwich, hoping the captain wouldn't notice his lack of enthusiasm for the meal.

* * *

It was now nine point two minutes until the lyre lesson with Jim and Spock had to take another moment to drink his tall glass of water, nearly finishing all of it.

He found this activity helpful when his body was reacting negatively to his attempts at being human, a normal looking act to do in front of someone so they wouldn't suspect a thing. This seemed to work seamlessly with his previous lesson with Uhura - Nyota, as she insisted to be called off-duty. When the First Officer instructed her on a simple musical piece, he took a sip of the water, something to focus on other than the metaphorical rain pounding on him. 

Unfortunately, while this proved to be a useful tactic, it forced Spock to continuously sip so he wouldn't have a moment to think about the claustrophobic stickiness of his skin, a reminder of how the lyre was closely tied with his Vulcan half of life before. 

The lieutenant didn't comment on his thirst, intensely following along to his instructions of how to play. Meanwhile, Spock just simply separated himself with whatever his body was doing, like his brain was far off being a teacher while the rest of him was trapped in his body.

Finally after absentmindedly looking at the clock and noticing it was close enough to twenty hundred hours, he told Nyota she could practice the small piece of music she'd been learning another time and that she did fantastic. 

She blushed deeply and said, "You flatterer."

The lieutenant gave the lyre back to him as he took yet another sip of the water and heard her say in barely a whisper, "Thanks… for this."

She left before Spock could respond back to her and tried to decipher the sad tone in her voice. He wasn't able to ponder about it anymore, as the dread and nausea he had been feeling for the past hour and fifty minutes was now at full force. 

He knew though he had to now teach Jim. Should he teach him the same thing he previously taught Nyota? Perhaps he will choose another piece of Vulcan music for him to play. These thoughts about how to teach his Superior Officer helped distract him from the constant drinking of water and weight of the rain.

Spock stood up to go refill his glass, watching the vastness of space outside the Observation Deck window, then heard the door open and a familiar voice call out, "Mister Spock?"

Underneath all the cold weight of his own dread, a glimmer of crashing waves rang through him. He focused on that and only that as he walked back over to see Jim standing with his hands behind his back, like he was greeting Ambassadors. 

"Do you want a drink first before beginning?" Spock offered the same thing he did to Nyota, a common courtesy among Earth people he found.

"No thank you, I'm fine." Jim replied and slowly made his way over to the chair opposite where Spock would be sitting, hands resting on the table in between the two.

"Since the lyre is commonly played in front of the body, perhaps it would be more beneficial to sit without furniture constructing your ability to play," he said with hopefully no tone of awkwardness and started sliding the table out of the way.

Jim hopped up to help him, the men moving the small furniture a couple feet away. Spock faced the two chairs and briefly thought about the best way to teach Jim. Sitting closely would prove to be better since Jim was far less experienced than Nyota, so he pushed his chair over to Jim's so the chairs were touching each other's arms while also facing each other, Spock on the right and Jim on the left.

Spock turned back to the captain and saw him watching, then he grinned and sat back down in his chair while the First Officer took his own, "Don't worry; my brain is fully awake tonight."

His mind unhelpfully showed images of Jim's sleeping face alongside the feeling of his face on his fingertips, but he forced a grin on his face to convey he enjoyed the little joke.

Spock could feel his captain's knee brush against his and it only reminded him more of that night. He should have chosen another area to sit but knew this would be a more friendly manner of association. This was not for him, he had to remember, this was for Jim.

"Do you know how to hold the instrument?" He asked.

Jim replied, "I believe so."

Spock cautiously handed over the Vulcan item to Jim who with equal care placed it almost like how it was supposed to, murmuring, "I've seen orchestras where the musicians held small harps. Like this, right?"

"Almost," he said, "rotate it so its back is facing you."

The officer clumsily moved the harp so he was gripping the sides of it while resting it on his right thigh.

"And then my hands go…" Jim tried to lean the lyre against his body with no success. The Science Officer attempted to instruct him by words alone, but after the fourth failed attempt at holding the instrument, he took a sip of his water and reached out his right hand, loosely gripping the bottom of the instrument and said, "You are trying to tip the lyre towards you when in fact, the entire piece should be pressed against your upper body.

He started pushing up the lyre so it was correctly placed, his fingers slipped slightly when he saw Jim help out, placing his left hand so the tips of his fingers were covering his own. 

They both stopped their movement once the instrument was in place, the couple seconds stretching on much longer than it felt like. Spock was so close, he wondered if the captain noticed… he felt his breath get caught in his throat when Jim moved his fingers so they didn't touch his anymore and whispered, "Thank you."

The First Officer took his hand off with haste and grabbed his water. After taking a large gulp he said, "You're welcome."

He congratulated Jim when he was able to place his arms and hands correctly on the piece, the man giving a hesitant smile back. The waves were still there, now filled with a storm to remind him of their fingers touching. He had to use all his might to silence the brief connection of emotions with his Superior Officer, not being able to remember what he felt in the first place.

Curse his Vulcan biology. 

"Now I will start by showing you the different chords," he started. He told Jim to try playing each chord starting from the top and the officer lightly strung each one, creating a choppy melody descending in pitch.

"With how the lyre is made, you press your fingers against the strings near the top so it is pushed as far back as they can go towards your body, similar to the human instrument of a guitar without the 'neck' as it's called." Spock explained nearly the same things he told Nyota.

The lesson continued going well up until Jim paused his practice of three kinds of music tones with the instrument and said, "Did you learn like this?"

"My first lesson of the lyre went somewhat like this." He answered, then told the Superior Officer to now put the three kinds of strumming he played in a small melody in the order he said. Jim did and slowly strummed faster and faster until the pieces came together nearly seamlessly. 

"I remember learning like this with my mom on the ukulele," Jim said, still playing, "do you know what that is?"

Spock didn't answer immediately, his Vulcan half asking why Jim was reminiscing like this. Uhura did not do that, the Vulcan half added on, which he brushed off. He and his human half both knew Jim was the type to talk emotionally about certain memories whenever they appeared. It was one of the things the First Officer found pleasing about the captain that made him unique to any other kind of officer he worked under - it made Jim unique overall.

It was then the officer remembered Jim's question, "The ukulele is an ancient instrument introduced to Hawaii by Portuguese immigrants." 

"Of course you knew," Jim grinned and Spock knew he was supposed to take it as a compliment, "Well, my mom wanted me to do a music class to 'broaden my horizons', she said. The small guitar was the cheapest thing we could get."

Spock noticed Jim stopped playing, yet listened with his full attention, "I thought it was stupid at first, but I saw the appeal of it after a couple classes. Lots of fun playing simple little things like 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' and 'Jingle Bells'. Horrendous sounding now that I look back on it, but I always loved the classes… mostly just bonding with mom."

His lips curled upward while looking down at the lyre. It was this moment Spock could feel the thunder of the waves more than the rain. Yes, more of this, not the rain… 

"Who taught you how to play?" He vaguely heard Jim ask.

With the newfound energy from the waves of joy, he didn't take a moment to answer, "A pretentious teacher named Sioruk. I was not impressed with his teaching methods, though my mother encouraged me to pursue the practice of the lyre regardless. So I taught myself."

"Wait a minute, you just…" Jim looked stupefied according to Spock's limited vocabulary.

"Mother was able to convince my father to cease the lessons and I used music sheets in our home and watched other Vulcans play to practice."

"Wow," the captain leaned back, "I guess I should say I'm not surprised."

"Your body language says otherwise."

"Possibly. But I think it's more just me being amazed." He said, then immediately scrunched his face up. It didn't look like a disgusted way; more like when one's attempting to hide a grin. 

Was Jim embarrassed by what he said? Was it because he didn't like saying it or was it more of the same feeling Spock had when he told Jim how awed and astonished he was by the captain?

According to what he learned about humanity, when one told a personal story, the other person responded with one of their own. Considering how he now had some experience of doing this activity, Spock should have no issue, so he decided to expand upon his story of learning the lyre, "I was skilled enough to create a meager piece of my own. When I have perfected it enough, I did a minuscule performance in front of my mother."

"I love that," Jim responded, "what was the tune like?"

"I do not understand."

"Well I mean, can you teach me it?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. 

He didn't predict this was how their lesson would go, now feeling an unidentifiable heaviness buried within him, unlike the uncomfortable weight from before.

The piece was simple enough for Jim to do, so he agreed, "I can teach you the first quarter of it to start."

The officer smiled in response and Spock made sure to take another sip of his water while concentrating on only the waves - the rain was still there, but it was at least bearable now.

With that, he began teaching Jim the first notes. It would have been more beneficial to have the music sheet he wrote when he first created the piece, yet he was able to remember the notes the more they played. 

There was an unfamiliar feeling in Spock's body, coming up when he watched the Superior Officer take on the skill with slight ease. It was similar to… what was the word… pride? It did seem to align closely to other times he felt proud before, so it must be it according to his human half. He smiled to hopefully show his pride and the sticky rain started pounding on him again, forcing him to take another sip.

Once Jim was able to perform the first quarter of the piece - still with its pauses in between like a beginner would do - Spock nodded his head and gave a smile, ignoring the painful reaction in his cheeks, "You did well."

"Thanks," the captain replied bashfully, "will be looking forward to learning the entire thing little tween you made."

"That is not entirely correct, as I was five when I wrote it." He replied and actually did feel a smirk tug his lips when he saw Jim's awed face. 

Will his body ever decide whether he wanted to be emotional or not?

Spock took a large gulp of the water.

"What is the entire piece supposed to sound when it's done?" Jim asked while Spock was drinking. 

He set the glass down and said after taking a moment trying to figure out the right explanation, "It is hard to describe without actually playing it."

"Forgive me if this is too forward sounding," the officer said while glancing at the lyre, plucking the chords a small bit, "but can I hear it?"

The First Officer also looked down. Spock did not perform for Nyota when she attended her lesson, yet she didn't ask for one. The courteous act was to do Jim's request; as he thought of this, the rain pounded painfully, clouding his mind. He drank the water again and felt the cold liquid go down his throat, almost like the weight inside him was falling and landing repeatedly. 

But no, he had to. He _had to_. This was what humanity was about. 

Jim spoke up, "Again, you don't have to -"

"I would love to." The sick taste rolled off his tongue. Seeing the captain give him a comforting grin set his mind and body at ease for the time being.

The Superior Officer held out the lyre like he was handling a precious jewel, Spock taking the instrument and placed it accordingly. This he could focus on; the weight of the lyre, where his hands are placed, his fingers itching to move across the strings.

He continued to focus on his fingers as they started playing his old first piece on the lyre. It was like solving an equation where he would naturally move to the next step, completing more and seeing the large picture until the entire problem was finished with no mistakes. Unlike math, he had the glory of listening to his music, his mind started flickering back to when he performed this in front of his mother. He was still a beginner when it came to the lyre back then, but his mother's warm smile and cheering was what made him continue practicing. The memories were uncalled for, yet he embraced it nonetheless, a welcoming change to the rain and nauseating feeling… in fact, it almost ceased completely. 

He only just noticed he finished and he heard his captain give a small but enthusiastic applause, similar to what his mother did.

"That was what you first wrote?" Jim asked with a wide smile, "It's so… complex. Little country, little classical. Remind me to never miss one of your impromptu performances ever again."

Spock kept his face neutral, "I will."

"Hey…" Jim started but didn't say anything else for a beat. The Science Officer kept quiet, hoping to convey with his face he wanted to know the rest of his sentence. Jim looked at him like he was trying to almost look into his mind and asked, "Do you have a favorite piece?"

"A favorite?" He didn't expect that.

"Yeah, like out of all the music you played, what was the one that brought you the most joy playing it?"

One that brought him the most joy?

The weight on his skin swelled and Spock wanted to take a sip of water, but it was probably too obvious now. The rain hailed and he wanted to not _hear_ it anymore, so he tried coming up with a piece he knew but he couldn't _think_ properly. Fingers trembling, he just started playing.

The First Officer played a repeated tune on the Vulcan lyre, not caring, only feeling the strings move against his finger tips. It was repetitive and easy, like breathing. As he continued feeling the vibrations under his fingertips, he slowly started to hear more of what exactly he was doing. Spock could recognize the piece, written by an old century Vulcan composer and he knew he could play this. He adjusted the knobs and let the music flow. Against the downpour of his thoughts was only him, Jim and the lyre. Soon, the waves of joy were returning and it was incredibly soothing.

Yes, his body was falling back into its natural rhythm thanks to his lyre.

He saw the captain's face and noticed he was facing away from him, looking out into the stars. He let his eyes wander to his right and saw the dark emptiness of space littered with little balls of gas. The rays of the stars swirled together, creating a collage of white, yellow and red, reminding him of a watercolor painting he'd seen. Spock could see how Jim would be mesmerized by the view, so he let himself be 'hypnotized' too.

The music the Science Officer played on the lyre paired with the stars made an ideal atmosphere and Spock felt like he was no longer in his chair, swimming with the gases and feeling the vibration of the music pump through his veins. Perhaps what he thought was the most illogical thing he ever produced, yet this was how it felt. He wondered if Jim felt the same way about this, how immersive and spectacular he felt about what was happening. He wished to live in this moment forever and he didn't care if it was not possible.

"Spock," Jim broke the silence between them, "from what I've seen, you've been doing amazing understanding emotions… I don't even think you need me anymore."

Spock's fingers stilled. Then he continued playing.

What did Jim mean? He still struggled to name emotions; he still felt like the waves in his body wasn't just joy! 

He decided not to answer immediately and just continue playing. Him trying to reply to Jim would only bring the rain back and he wanted to stay lost in the music for a little while longer. This he could enjoy with complete tranquility, this he could control while his body kept contradicting itself on what it enjoyed. His human half wanted to feel at peace - nay, he wanted to feel at peace just like now when playing the lyre brought back pleasant memories of his childhood and shook Spock's very being with -

Happiness. 

Happiness… from a Vulcan experience.

_Wrong wrong no no bad WRONG!_

He couldn't process, couldn't _breathe_ , the rain was a dizzying storm because why did he feel happiness this wasn't supposed to happen this was not right it was _wrong_ -

The sudden grip on Spock's shoulders was like knives digging into him and he stood violently. His senses were going haywire, taking in everything around him but not retaining it. His feet were moving with no purpose, his entire being moving with no purpose what was his purpose - the hands were back on him, now grasping his arms. He struggled but it wasn't working, he had a Vulcan physique _no it was bad_ but he needed to not be touched so why could he not get out of it, why was his brain not comprehending he wanted to be _human_ , he needed to be human because the Vulcan was _bad_ and _hurts_ -

There was a sting on his right cheek that wasn't there before. It was steady and overwhelmed all other sensory input and as the small amount of pain cleared, so did the fog in his mind. 

Spock slowly registered the strong yet gentle hands and could feel the shiver die down as he realized what had happened - Jim witnessed his breakdown and stopped it.

He had to leave. Now.

"Mister Spock, Spock," Jim tried to talk to him but he ignored him and tried to wrangle out of his grasp, still wondering how his body still failed him because if he wanted to be Vulcan he might as well do it right, "please talk to me!"

"Jim, please let go." Spock croaked, still trying to move his exhausted body out of the room until he eventually found it to be useless. 

He let his body be maneuvered by Jim, his mind still elsewhere where he hoped it would remain. But even here it was still a battle, his human and Vulcan half getting louder and louder with contradicting information and statements the First Officer desperately wanted to silence completely. 

He acknowledged he was now sitting on firm cushions, perhaps a couch, hearing Jim speak from far away, "I'm sorry for slapping you, but you're really scaring me. God, I'm so sorry."

The only thing Spock's brain could think of was _get closer to Jim_ and _there is no need to worry on behalf of me_. He knew he caused this, the very thing he feared because his emotions betrayed him like they had been constantly doing.

It truly made him sickened, yet he also felt equally horrible with his Vulcan side. He couldn't think about this now, he just needed Jim to know he was okay. But when he tried to move or even look at him, he was not in control. His brain was still drifting and he couldn't respond by even lifting a finger. He couldn't even speak, his lips moving but no sound coming out.

He felt so alone and trapped until he heard it; a sob. Jim was crying. Because of him.

 _No no that is wrong_ , the chanting started again and his body now felt even more cold than before. He could feel himself going back into his downward spiral of anxiety and dread but he couldn't now, not when Jim needed him _he needed him to know!_

With all the might he could, he threw his right hand up to Jim's psy points.

He could feel their minds start to entwine and connect, Spock using all his concentration to follow it, let it guide him.

While he could feel his own mind and body, there was now an echo far off in the distance, one that made him want to choke and shiver. He followed it, the echo now distinct and surrounding him and he could feel the choking sensation now transform into one of profound sadness, like he wanted to desperately curl up and scream.

The sensation now left behind impressions, ones he could only describe as melodies and overthinking and adrenaline. Mind melds were always more like reading minds and their cognitions than experiencing them, unless one focused hard enough. This one read disturbingly like his own, making Spock feel more distressed than he already was.

It was a constant repeat of his and Jim's thoughts, bouncing with intensity until they settled and all the Science Officer could feel was one singular unit.

They were now linked.

Spock stared at Jim who looked back with unshed tears and said, "It was all I could think of to be able to have you reach me."

He felt at peace in their now shared mind, one he didn't feel in a long time. Jim whispered back, "It's okay."

"How do you feel?"

"Like I'm in the eye of the storm," the captain mumbled, "it's something I always thought about whenever you did these."

Spock felt warmth pulse through him and it was something he couldn't comprehend fast enough. 

"You can feel that?" The captain asked and the pulsing warmth lit up again. The First Officer didn't answer, only saying yes through the meld without using the need for words.

"If I knew that suggesting you didn't need those emotional lessons anymore would do this then I would've -"

"It was not what you said."

"Can I ask what it was?"

Spock breathed deep. He could feel his body in distress and he turned away from it to only be surrounded by Jim's presence. He didn't want to confront his revelation again but Jim still felt desperate to know…

He let Jim see what he saw and what he felt; playing the lyre, reminiscing about his Vulcan youth, his realization. He held onto Jim's mind during this like he was grasping a hand, Spock needing his presence to stabilize himself.

The memory drifted away again until it was just them. He felt Jim's pain trickle through the meld and the officer said outside the bond, "Spock… you shouldn't feel bad for thinking fondly of your childhood."

"I still -"

"What happened was what made you… well, you." Jim gave a sympathetic smile - or was it? Spock didn't know anymore.

He did know the pulsing warmth was still there. It was… pleasant, better than the turmoil he had. This helped him not think about anything else except this, reminding him of the waves he felt.

He didn't know anything about himself. Nothing was fact or solid in his mind except for this pulse and Spock wanted more of it. He didn't even try to think about what it was, all he knew was it was safe and warm and he felt like he was riding on a wave of electricity and he never wanted to leave. Here, it was simple and constant like his waves and the pulsing sensation lit up even more and their shared minds were buzzing and it was like he was submerged in it. This electricity bloomed all around Spock, leaving impressions of touch and laughter and words of affirmations. It was brilliant, so brilliant, it was -

A shock coursed through him.

Love.

It was love.

The waves in him, this pulse, it's not joy. It's love.

Love for James T. Kirk.

Spock felt the mood and electricity drop and he ripped his mind away from the chord connecting him and Jim together. He could still feel the throbbing of the meld being forcibly torn apart as he left without looking behind him to his quarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, here is the link to Robyn's masterpost: https://marlinspirkhall.tumblr.com/


	10. Ple'ma Tsu Rashaya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Translation: Cannot the same be said for me?

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the FUCK?

Spock - he was… that was what it…

What the _fuck_?

It was just this one constant sentence - along with other variations of it - repeating in Jim's head hours after Spock rushed out of the Observation Deck. There was no way to even try to go to sleep after… that, so he went down to the gymnasium. He didn't know what equipment he used or how long he stayed there, yet all he knew was his hits and kicks were doing nothing to shut his mind up.

How could it quiet down? He just found out Spock… that he… _loved_ him. And he loved him back.

It was just _there_ in their mind meld, reflecting off each other like something Jim could actually embrace! It was so clear, he had no idea how he didn't feel it before. He did know now this feeling would not let him forget it and as much as he wanted to hate it…

First, beat the shit out of the punching bags. Then he will think about what happened later.

Much later.

Preferably tomorrow. 

Unfortunately, luck didn't seem to be on the captain's side even after many hours he stayed at the gymnasium, hearing the quiet humming of the alarm on the _Enterprise_ to alert every crewmen it was morning and the next thought that ran through Jim's mind was the electrifying sensation of love.

The mind melds he had been apart of were always odd to him; there was no discernable way for him to see or know what he was feeling, yet he could just naturally know exactly what he and the other was feeling and reacting to, like the emotions were waves overlapping each other, similar to different temperatures for different feelings. Jim briefly wondered if Spock felt the same way about melds as he experienced them, then got an unpleasant reminder of _that_ moment.

The Superior Officer had never, ever seen Spock so distant and scared before the mind meld, like his emotions were too overwhelming to handle and he had to restart his brain in order to function. It was without a doubt the most terrifying moment of Jim's life, to hell with Pon Farr. He had no idea what to do or how to help, knowing he caused it with his subtle suggestion of getting him to play on his precious lyre and suggesting there was no need to continue their emotions lessons anymore. Spock seemed to have been able to break from his inner 'reboot' before Jim could go and call Bones, reaching out to him via a mind meld.

He vaguely remembered sobbing in relief, finally being able to reach his friend - his friend - and feel everything he felt. They were on the same wavelength, both feeling a profound sense of loneliness and concern they could easily recognize, Jim being able to know Spock was with him emotionally both brought them back to a more normal balance of mental stability. 

Jim was just so relieved to feel him and could feel Spock grow more and more closer to him, the captain welcoming him with open arms. It was this that made him feel a fuzzy warmth from somewhere deep within him and the Science Officer, rising with rapid speed until he _knew_ both of them realized what this was, Spock breaking the meld and leaving in a near sprint.

Jim couldn't find the strength to try to stop him, too shell shocked to process anything except the simple yet ground-breaking realization.

Now he had to go to his morning shift and he could still feel the weight of the hours of no sleep on top of his convoluted feelings.

Jim decided to first deal with the drowsiness. He left to go back to his own quarters, ignoring the looks of the crewmen seeing him in his workout clothes so he could get dressed in his uniform, then went to the mess hall to replicate himself some nice black coffee. Usually he hated starting the day with such a strong caffeinated drink, though he didn't care at this point.

No, the captain only cared about Spock and how he was after last night. Unfortunately throughout his shift all the way to lunch time, the First Officer barely acknowledged his presence other than to answer his question about the starship's trajectory, saying they'll be arriving at the Altair VI banquet in less than twenty-three hours. Any other attempts Jim tried to socialize with him were firmly shot down, Spock stating multiple times he had 'others matters to attend to' which the Superior Officer knew was bullshit but couldn't say anything about it.

He really did fuck up his relationship, for good. This wasn't a measly misunderstanding, this was tricking Spock to admit he still had an attachment to his Vulcan heritage, then accidentally making each other confess their feelings. His feelings for Spock… he didn't want to think about it yet here he was.

This was stronger than any other previous interest he had, not even with Edith Keeler. He was truly in love with him, and he was in so much denial that he couldn't see it and now he fucked it all up.

He… really did ruin his relationship with his First Officer; this was the end of their friendship, undoubtedly even worse than any heartbreak or one-sided attraction. That he could deal with his own way, but not being able to at least chat with Spock, notice his mind up close when playing chess, tease each other about human weaknesses? Even if they went back to normal, he was sure they would both feel the awkwardness. 

Jim realized his cheeks were burning with tears and he fiercely wiped them away, luckily with no one else in the corridors.

That's right, he was heading down to the mess hall to have lunch. 

The Superior Officer quietly shuffled down the hall and scoffed at his own selfishness. He didn't deserve any tears, not for the way he had treated Spock ever since his failed mating ritual. First he tried pushing away any negative feelings about seeing Spock's primal side, working for the time being up until Spock told him how he wanted to learn to be human. Then when he got his head out of his ass and realized even though he enjoyed seeing Spock more relaxed during their lessons it was clearly damaging him, he tried helping the officer realize his pain with his idiotic plan of his and only managed to make him fall down an identity crisis spiral.

No wonder Spock wanted to end their friendship. 

Not even knowing what the Vulc - human - the officer would do, his best guess was to probably ask to transfer to another starship, say something about Jim's behavior or another excuse so he could get another job as fast as possible. 

Jim registered a _whoosh_ of the automatic door opening in front of him and he looked up to find himself in the entrance of the eating area. Just as he was about to enter, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Jim, I was hoping if - my god, what's wrong?" Bones immediately turned his attention to the captain's most likely puffy face. 

Jim only said with clear exhaustion, "Nothing, what do you need?"

"Well, I feel like you want to be -"

"Bones!" He snapped, then twitched from his harsh tone. 

Fortunately McCoy didn't seem to be bothered by it and replied, "We'll talk about this later. For now I feel like you should come with me."

The captain squinted, confused at this sudden statement yet still followed the doctor as he led him to the recreation room, his mind still thinking about what Spock would do now.

When the two entered he was expecting to see crewmen gathered around being merry; instead there was only Lieutenant Uhura, Mister Chekov, Mister Sulu and Scotty who appeared to have been anxiously awaiting his arrival.

"Kepten, vhat's wrong with Mister Spock?" Chekov exclaimed.

Sulu laid a hand on the Russian's shoulder, "What he meant to say is -"

"Have you noticed the Vulcan seems," Scotty joined in, "odd to you? Acting unusual, I mean."

"We were all nervous to comment about it," Uhura chirped up, hand nervously rubbing her cheek, "but we felt like you would have heard about it at this point and frankly, it's frightening us."

"He reminds me of vhat one movie we watched fo' Halloveen, 'Ze Step Wives' or something?"

"Pavel!"

"He acted overly complimentary during our lesson on the lyre, kept drinking lots of water too."

"I never seen someone so enthusiastic about starship engines; even me!"

They were all talking over each other and Jim turned back to McCoy who unhelpfully quipped, "They asked if I could help get an answer about Mister Spock."

He could see the knowing glint in the Medical Officer's eyes, the one that was extremely interested in what Jim had to say and the captain wanted to flip him off right about now.

Instead the Superior Officer tried to come up with an excuse, "Well… I have - erm…"

The five in the room were looking at him expectantly and his brain scrambled to find a way out of this. Finally he came up with the easiest solution and announced, "I know Doctor McCoy has been monitoring Spock in his behavior as of late. I have to attend to - matters aboard the ship, he could give you an answer."

He knew it was a flimsy excuse, but he didn't care as he slid out of the room to head back to the mess hall as fast as possible. 

He didn't know what happened after the surprise meeting but after slowly chewing on his lunch and returning back to the Bridge, he saw the Communications Officer and the two Navigators repeatedly glancing back at him and the Science Officer, who was still only responding to his orders with small sentences.

When it was time for them to go and sleep for a few hours before going to get ready for the banquet, he passed by Spock in the hallway, feeling a pull of desperation and called out without a second thought, "Spock!"

Spock paused in his stride and only turned his head slightly to show he was listening. Jim felt his eyes go wet as he stayed where he was, talking to his back, "How are you feeling? Do you wanna go see McCoy?"

"I do not require medical attention," he answered with no emotion, "as there is nothing physically wrong with me."

"Okay…" he mumbled and spoke with caution, "but what about mentally? Emotionally?"

Spock didn't move. He then replied with the same tone, eyes looking elsewhere but at him, "I am alright."

He then walked off and Jim could only watch helplessly, trying to blink the wetness in his eyes away until he could see clearly again.

* * *

The familiar light green dress suit rubbed against him like velvet and once he checked in the mirror to see his face looked at least presentable to the naked eye, Jim left his quarters to go to the Bridge and told Uhura to open channels with President Jenkwofr. 

"This is Captain James Kirk, ready to beam down." He spoke clearly.

"Excellent!" Jenkwofr replied, "You and your First Officer can join us, but the president of Altair III asked if your Chief Medical Officer, Chief Communications Officer, your two Lieutenant Navigators and your Chief Engineer could come with you too. He had expressed how he wanted to see the entire main party of the _Enterprise_ in full view."

"Yes, I think we can arrange that," Jim answered, "we will be down there in about five minutes. Kirk out."

Uhura, Sulu and Chekov were already standing and waiting and he saw Spock stand a little bit aways but still alert and ready, already in his dress suit. He quickly called Bones and Scotty to relay the request and the men said they'll meet everyone there at the Transporter Room.

Jim went through the motions of being captain, walking down the corridors until he stopped so the rest of the party could get dressed in their formal attire, but it was all just… moving, with no purpose. Was this what Spock felt like when he looked so empty? Was his mind gone too, processing all the emotions he felt?

God, Jim wanted to talk to him so badly, yet he knew it was selfish of him to want that.

 _But he loves you -_ he snarled quietly at himself to shut up the sentence before he completed it. It didn't matter anymore because it'll never happen. Spock was already trying to distance himself from him, with good reason, so he really shouldn't keep trying to fix the situation. 

Guess that's just another downfall of being human; he loved too much.

Jim saw everyone back next to him dressed and ready, so all of the crew walked a couple more minutes until they entered the area, the engineer and doctor already there waiting on the transporter.

He gave a small nod to the men and everyone got into position. He took another glance at his First Officer, his hands still behind his back and he said with a gruff, "Energize."

The machine started up with its mechanical harmony ringing in his ears, the tingle under his skin building until it slowly fades away and he could now see purple boulders and a light orange sky above.

The landscape while colored differently from Earth still had the same resemblance to being at the center of surrounding canyons, complete with trees and grass with a dark blue tint.

Jim only had a brief moment to appreciate the area as he suddenly heard a thunder of marching feet heading towards them. He took a defensive stance until he recognized the slightly outgrown beard and curled mustache from the person that was leading the troop. President Jenkwofr raised his arm in greeting, his robe flowing behind him from the small wind and enthusiastically clapped his shoulder, "Captain Kirk, it's nice to finally meet you!"

"It's wonderful to meet you too, Mister President." Jim extended his dominant hand in a formal greeting which Jenkwofr took with strength. He introduced each crew member and the president shook hands with each one, then presented them with his knights. Each of the six men were dressed in the same leather looking attire that covered them head to toe in a deep violet. What made Jim really drawn to them was how they all looked the exact same facial wise, light blond hair and dazzling blue eyes.

"What an amazing set of sextuplets!" Scotty blurted out.

Jenkwofr bellowed out a deep laugh, "Thank you, we have tried hard to perfect our devices."

"Devices, Sir?" The captain asked while all of them were now walking on a sandy magenta trail.

"Yes, a cloaking mechanism, if you will," the president explained, "because of Starfleet's thoughtful gifts, we made it custom in our knighthood for all of them to wear this device, similar to a piece of armor. It is also a helpful battle tactic too as I'm sure you've already guessed, being able to disguise yourself to your opponent."

"It was on my mind, I will admit." Jim grinned in reply so it looked real enough to not show his bitter inner thoughts. He wasn't going to worry about it for the time being; he had to act the role as captain and diplomat. 

They continued their stroll through the slightly dense forest until they came upon a towering castle structure made of what looked to be clay bricks. It was a gorgeous building, reminding him of Scotland castles from the early centuries.

"Now the Altair III president and his party arrived about half an hour ago, so the dinner should start in a few short minutes once my chefs get everything plated." Jenkwofr informed them, Jim nodding his head in understanding. The giant front doors slid open to reveal the inside of the castle, just as marvelous as he had imagined it to be. 

The Altair VI party led them through the spiraling hallways until they came upon a large dining room area where many people were sitting around the table… and arguing with each other. 

Jim immediately rushed over to what looked to be the center of the argument, a man with long dark hair was yelling at a woman with a pixie cut. He came in as the man screamed, "Even a toddler could run a country better than your superior!"

"Yet who is acting like one?" The woman calmly replied and another gentleman with wiry white hair pushed on the brunette's shoulder to sit him down and boomed, "That's enough, Damascut."

This was able to stop the man's yelling, although he still had a scowl on his face as Jenkwofr stepped forward and said, "Mister Foghen, I hope you don't mind, may I introduce you to Captain James Kirk of the USS _Enterprise_."

The older gentleman, whose name was apparently Mister Foghen, put on a wobbly smile and stood up to shake Jim's hand, "You certainly can. It is so nice for you to join us, Captain Kirk. I apologize for our rude welcoming."

"It's alright, Sir," Jim replied, "and I assume you're -"

"The Altair III President, yes," Foghen answered solemnly, then gestured to the brunette next to him, "and this is my vice president, the ever composed Mister Damascut."

Damascut turned and with the same scowl said to him, "I do apologize for my outburst that you witnessed. Just a simple debate that got… out of hand, I should say."

"As long as we don't experience another repeat of it, we should be alright." The woman from earlier stood up and shook his hand, "Greetings, I am Miss Neoval, President Jenkwofr's vice president."

"Greetings." Jim continued chatting with the two presidents over the dining table while his party was shown to their seats, spread all over and chatting with various other guests. 

Despite the tense beginning, everyone seemed to be in high spirits, especially once the chefs presented everyone with a giant kind of roasted turkey native to Altair VI's species and their own version of vodka. Throughout the dinner party, he kept a close eye on the leaders of the planets and surprisingly, both presidents were chatting and being merry. Jim grumbled under his breath about how the _Enterprise_ didn't have to attend the party, but really he should be glad both governments are on good terms - although he did notice Damascut kept a heavy gaze and hard frown on throughout the dinner, refusing to acknowledge anyone's presence.

Jim saw President Foghen finish his dinner, saying with joy dripping from his tongue, "Dinner has been splendid Mister Jenkwofr and while I don't mean to be rude, I believe we should start discussing new contracts."

"Yes I agree," Jenkwofr wiped his mouth with a napkin, "first and foremost, one of the things me and the Altair VI council talked about was if we are able to have you import some of your crops to us, namely your fruits and vegetables."

"Whatever you have to trade better be worth the crops." Damascut spoke up. 

Foghen gave him a scolding look before replying, "Would you be able to export your lumber supplies then?"

"Yes we have plenty, I presume your desert landscape would need it." Jenkwofr replied. 

Damascut - he was really starting to get on Jim's nerves - cuts in, "Also a supply of tree saplings and soil suitable for growth."

"If you grow your own forest, then what need would you have for trading?" Miss Neoval spoke up, still eating her own meal.

"We need to live too!" Damascut exclaimed, "but you only want us to starve as we would expect."

"That's enough!" Foghen yelled, slamming his fist on the table.

Everyone was definitely watching the scene now and Jim knew he had to step in, "I believe that a trading contract would be best decided on in the morning, after a good night's sleep, if you don't mind me cutting in."

"No, not at all," President Foghen responded, "Damascut, return back to Altair III, your service is not needed."

This caused the man to stutter, "But - but I am your advisor."

"One that hasn't been doing his job and for quite some time," The Altair III president said with a cool face, "now go."

Damascut snarled but ultimately left the castle alongside two of the Altair VI guards Jenkwofr commanded.

Foghen sighed and stood up, causing everyone else to follow suit, "I really do wish to apologize for my vice president's rude behavior. I should have left him back on our home planet when I thought about it. But I can assure you he will be fired once we finish the contract."

"Pardon me for intruding," they all turned to Doctor McCoy, "but what made you consider not bringing him?"

"Believe me when I say that he was calm and collected before we arrived here," The Altair III president chuckled awkwardly, "But he had been repeatedly expressing concern about our meeting, saying you all would be unruly and unwilling to comply, which I never believed at all."

"So you really do hold no..." President Jenkwofr asked with an incredulous expression.

"Of course not!" Foghen answered joyfully, "It is foolish to hold onto old grudges. I really do want to have complete peace."

"Us too," Jenkwofr gave a satisfied smile, "let's finalize the contract in the morning."

All the councilmen in the dining room nodded with gratification and Jim gave his first real grin that day, glad the two planets were happy with each other. 

"Now Captain, I really hope this isn't rude of me to ask," Jenkwofr now turned to him, "but would you and your crew mind staying the night? We want you to be able to see the contract finalized and both parties completely content with the deal."

"That's not asking much at all, we would love to stay." Jim said and once everyone gave their goodbyes, Miss Neoval led the Altair III president and councilmen to their rooms while Mister Jenkwofr led him and the _Enterprise_ crew to theirs.

He caught Chekov whispering, "Ve could've just ztayed aboard the zarship." 

Sulu replied in the same level of voice, "It would be rude to decline their offer, Pavel."

"Maybe," the Russian said, "vut I always have trouble sleeping in an unfamiliar bed."

Jenkwofr finally reached the top of whatever staircase they were ascending to turn around and instructed, "Now unfortunately, with all the extra guests sleeping tonight, we have enough rooms for everyone except one, so two would have to stay in the same room."

"Me and the captain shall stay together for the night," everyone looked at Spock, Jim hoping the shock wasn't evident on his face, "It is only logical as the First Officer to assure the captain will be well-protected throughout the night."

Logical. Logical. It had been mere days since he last heard of that word but he didn't realize how strange the lack of use of the word was until it was back. The word Spock used when he identified as Vulcan.

Jim truly did ruin everything.

Jenkwofr presented each of the crew with their room until it was just him and Spock. When the President opened the door to their room, Jim didn't have time to admire the nice decor as he immediately noticed there seemed to be only one bed in sight.

Jenkwofr chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, "All of the rooms are designed with only a single large bed, since we usually don't receive many visitors. One of you can return to your starship if you wish -"

"It is quite alright, Mister President," Spock interrupted him, "this will do."

"Well, there's a couch too just in case," Jenkwofr replied, then started to leave, "guards will be outside of all of your crewmen's rooms. Have a good night gentlemen, thank you again Captain Kirk for coming."

"Our pleasure." Jim said and closed the door. 

Now, it was just him and Spock. In their own room. With one bed.

Fuck.

"I hope you did not mind me volunteering." Spock said while pulling out a blanket and pillow that was set upon a chair.

He apparently didn't respond fast enough, as he heard him ask with no shift in tone, "Captain?"

"There's no need to use the couch," Jim sighed, "I'll take it."

"Negative." The officer said with finality. The Superior Officer groaned, one hand covering his face. If they continued like this they would end up arguing the whole night, which Jim knew he didn't want and he could assume Spock didn't want to either.

Without putting much thought into it, he spat out, "Then we'll share the bed!"

It took him a second to process what he said and he really wished he thought more about what to say.

Spock was still, looking with an interrogative gaze and Jim hoped his face didn't give away his fear. Finally, the Science Officer said, "Alright."

Spock walked over to the bed as Jim stayed where he was.

He gave his head a hard shake. What was there to fear; they were both mature adults, there was no need to feel all weird about sharing a bed! If anything they could put up a pillow wall between them because Jim would be kind towards his First Officer and not let a silly thing as worrying about the man's mental health affect the two of them.

So there's that.

He walked with purpose over to the bed, taking the pillow from the couch with him and started building the makeshift barrier with whatever soft items he could find. Spock seemingly ignored what Jim was doing and started stripping himself of his blue top and boots. The captain walked to get the couch blanket to complete the bed wall and faced away from Spock when he took off his own top and boots so that the two men were only in their black shirts.

There was a heavy thickness in the air, the silence deafening until Jim felt too awkward to let it continue, "Do you want the left or right side?"

"It does not matter to me."

Okay then.

Jim decided on the side closest to the window where he could peek through the shutter blinds to see the sunset sky. The lights illuminating the room suddenly shut off and Jim laid down, rolling over to see Spock walking away from the light switch and going over to lay down on his side of the bed. The Superior Officer rolled over to face the window again and watched as the sunlight from outside faded away. He felt the mattress sink as Spock laid down and Jim just buried his face more into his pillow, ignoring the feeling of wanting to reach out to him. He remembered the feeling of Spock's slightly cold fingers on his face and he turned his head so he was facing down. 

He was sure the First Officer would say wanting to hold the person you were mad at was illogical. Jim would reply back that it was human for people to still love each other even when they were quarreling. Spock would raise his eyebrows and possibly say how confusing humans are and Jim would agree.

But that was not what happened. They were laying in bed, facing away from each other, silent and Jim wanted to disappear.

The atmosphere was too tense to say anything else, yet he felt way too guilty not to even say a simple good night.

So about five minutes after they laid down, he mumbled one into his pillow and hoped Spock caught it.

"There is no way to calculate for a night to be good." Spock quipped back.

Okay, now even Jim knew Spock was being petty, acting like he didn't understand the sentence. He felt a burning sensation in his brain and he couldn't stop it fast enough.

"Seriously?" He snapped back. He wasn't thinking clearly, all he was focused on at the moment was his fists clenched and his nails were digging into his palms and this bubbling feeling of confusion and anger. It really shouldn't be targeted at Spock, but he was here right now and offered to stay here with Jim and what was going through the Science Officer's goddamn head right now?

"I just…" Jim raised his head so the man could hear him better and sobbed, "are you okay?"

"I have already told you -"

"You know damn well what I mean!" He tried to hold back his yell, "You ran off after what happened and I wanted to apologize but you seemed to have forgotten about it entirely while I can't _and I don't want to_!"

The Superior Officer was breathing heavily and he could feel his anger swelling into an intense wave of anguish. He wanted to say more but there was something stuck in his throat, so he could only whisper, "I'm not mad at you, I swear. I'm just scared for you and want to know if you are truly alright."

There was no movement from the left side of the bed, not even a sound from Spock.

Another beat passed, then Spock breathed in before stating, "I do not know."

Then Jim felt the weight of the mattress lightened. He rolled over and saw the First Officer pick up his pillow and went over to the couch again.

Jim could feel his throat becoming too tight. He… didn't know what he wanted now? Spock always knew exactly what he wanted and what he thought, even if he suppressed it. It was this moment he felt his eyes water and he knew he needed to stop having a temper tantrum and help him. What could he do though when Spock didn't even know what he wanted?

"Spock -"

"I wish to retire to bed now, Captain -"

"Spock!" He gritted out between his teeth because even if the tears were threatening to fall, Spock must know, "You can't just tell me you enjoyed trying to be human. I saw you trying to be emotional, it was… hurting you."

"Negative."

"Well then, I felt it." Jim let it slip out and he wished he hadn't.

The Science Officer turned to face him and said with an edge in tone, "I wished to become human, despite the hindrances."

"And I don't want to see you hurt yourself because it hurts me!" He exclaimed, "Don't you understand how your pain might not be just you suffering? I want to help you but you're not letting me and it's eating me up inside and... I couldn't find a way to reach you."

Spock remained silent, yet his face twisted into one of pain.

Jim struggled to speak through the oncoming tears, "I just wanted to find a way to talk to _you_ again, so I tried to get you to understand through the lyre how you can embrace the parts of yourself you _do_ like -"

"That was the reason you asked for lessons?" He heard Spock and Jim cursed at himself for realizing what that sounded like. The worst part about it though was how Spock didn't sound mad about it… just accepted it. Jim couldn't even put into words what he meant to say and instead yelled like a ten year old, at Spock no less. Why couldn't he just fucking _speak_?

"It's not -" he stopped himself. No amount of reasons would ever satisfy the officer, so he instead spoke the truth, "I could see how much you enjoyed teaching me, playing for me. You were looking at the stars like what I was doing and your face looked so _serene_. Not like during our lessons, but the kind of happiness where you were honest, without having to express it with your voice or face. It was…"

"Why did you agree to teach me about feelings in the first place?" Spock pretty much stated instead of asking, bypassing through what Jim said.

Why wouldn't Spock just let him speak what he saw? Was he embarrassed? Did he just not believe him? "Because you seemed alright at first and I was alright with teaching you because it was better." He choked on his sobs, tears prickling the corner of his eyes.

"Define what you mean by better." The officer demanded. The captain could tell he could see there was something underneath Jim's vulnerability, something he was trying not to talk about, but it was getting harder by the minute to think rationally when he was just so _emotional_.

Jim finally felt the dam burst inside him of all his previous emotions from the past days, shouting with barely contained dispair, "BETTER FOR ME!"

Silence.

Jim felt his lungs stop as he processed what he just said. He tried to look into Spock's eyes while the man was already laying down on his makeshift bed.

"Spock -"

"Goodnight, Captain."

"I swear I don't -"

"Jim..." Spock whispered, such a different tone than before when he was hurt and cold, "I was attempting to accomplish my goal of becoming human for you."

Jim wanted with every fiber of his being for Spock to be angry with him again, instead of him sounding so - ashamed, "It was my main motivation. To please you and please myself. My logic I now know was… incorrect."

At this, Jim gave up and broke down, silently weeping as he rolled over to face that stupid clay wall again.

What a joke, crying because he put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. He repeated the phrase _I was attempting to accomplish my goal of becoming human for you_ as he laid down in the large bed.

He did it for him? Caused himself pain for him?

Why? He was unworthy of Spock, of his stupid love, and he shouldn't stupidly love him back. Because of course he loved him, even after he was infuriated at the First Officer's conflicting actions and of himself for admitting in front of the officer he wanted Spock to change because he couldn't accept he was still Spock and not a murderous creature. Damn it all what Bones said, he shouldn't have felt that way in the first place!

It was all complicated and confusing, but the love was still there and strong and Jim wanted to scream at himself. Spock loved him and he wanted to run far away from him and away from himself. 

He really didn't want that though, Jim knew this.

He… just wanted to be with him again. Like before. When both of them were used to each other's normalcy, with no undertones or shame between them. Why accidentally risk everything for a potential heaven when he could've had the numbingly sweetest purgatory?

The tear tracks were still on his cheeks as he numbly fell asleep.


	11. Bohraya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cure - a medicine or therapy that cures disease or relieve pain (noun).

It was a known fact Vulcans did not dream, yet Spock wished deeply he was at this moment.

By all… well, logical accounts, he should not have been surprised his theory about Kirk favoring his human half more was correct, yet there was still a clear pain in his side where his heart was. It was unusual considering how it should by all means be in working condition. Was this a human reaction then?

Then again, the metaphorical waves in his veins and the cold rain on his skin were not physical sensations, but merely emotional, so they must be human reactions.

Although Kirk said he loathed his humanity too, then broke down into tears. He wanted so badly to comfort him, but he felt himself - his human half, his Vulcan half, he didn't know anymore - pull back, reminding him of their previous mind meld and his subsequent revelation. 

The revelations that the waves in Spock's body were love, not joy. Or perhaps both, he didn't have enough data. It now made so much sense this one emotion would make him push through negative ones so he could feel it again. He always professed how illogical humans were to pursue a feeling such as love despite the terrible response one received, yet now as he tried to become human, he understood. Love truly was an ineffable experience, one he hated with a burning passion at the moment.

He knew he truly loved it but didn't have the energy to express it openly. Or did he? What did he want now? He couldn't tell anymore, a clamorous uproar all around his mind making it impossible to sleep, so he was now looking up at the stone ceiling and hearing the soft snoring of the captain.

Those cursed waves were still there and for the first time, Spock wished it wasn't… he didn't want to feel _anything_ anymore, so he could finally not feel concerned about Kirk or anyone else. This train of thought caused him to feel sick to his stomach and he knew he wouldn't dare do anything of the sort to stop it. He would miss feeling the waves, the light tingling in his blood, the heat in his cheeks and everything else that was connected to the wonder of his captain.

It was so illogical and it _hurt_.

He had attempted to retry acting as he usually did before he committed to humanity, only making the Superior Officer apparently infuriated, yet Kirk also said he didn't want to see him act so human and it was too confusing for him.

At least he was finally asleep, a welcome change from his cries before. Even when they first met, he promised to never cause the captain distress, yet here they were. Spock wanted to reach out, whether by a mind meld or just simply touching him when they were laying down together in the bed, but knew he shouldn't. Kirk was clearly overwhelmed by whatever he felt for him, possibly anger and sadness - he doubted it was the love Spock felt so strongly at the moment - so since Kirk asked for clarification on what he was going through, that was what he deserved.

Yes, by the morning, once they had returned to the _Enterprise_ , Spock would tell Kirk everything; his Pon Farr, what led him to pursue the human path, his inner turmoil throughout the lessons and everything else he forgot to mention. He only told the officer the one sentence about how he wanted to be human for him and that was what made the officer release his tears, so he couldn't tell - by calculations or intuition - what was going to happen. But he will do it because Kirk wanted to know the answer, didn't matter how his body reacted. He could do this since it was the only thing Spock's mind could make out what it desired; to have the captain feel peace.

Maybe Spock wanted to finally speak about all of it too, he couldn't tell what his mind was asking for. But it was settled and -

Exactly eight thuds hit the floor, almost simultaneously outside the room. 

Spock sat up and focused his hearing on what was happening in the hall. It was when he heard multiple doorknob jingles, including their own that he raced over to Kirk's bedside and shook him up gently.

"Hmm, Spo'?"

"There is a commotion outside."

It was all it took for the Superior Officer to wake up fully, reaching for his phaser by the nightstand. They both slipped on their boots with ease and Spock could calculate the other crewmen would no doubt already be up and armed. Either way, it was important to ensure their safety. Once he saw his captain by him, he opened the door with a hard pull, sending three men in Altair VI armor tumbling towards them. They both fired at one each and Spock pinched the third one, instantly knocking him out, but it was too late. Other men, dressed and looked exactly the same as the Altair VI knights surrounded them and successfully pinned their arms behind their back and took away their phasers and communicators. 

The Science Officer saw others shoving the rest of the _Enterprise_ crew into their room and as what looked to be about twelve guards stood still and battle ready, he heard another pair of footsteps heading towards them. The guards parted the way so the Altair III Vice President Damascut entered with stride, a sickeningly wide grin on his face.

Behind him was another one of apparently Damascut's guards, leading President Jenkwofr in with chains around his wrists.

"Greetings, Captain Kirk," the vice president said in a harmonic tone, "I hope you slept well."

"Somewhat," Kirk replied in a fake nonchalant voice, "although I don't think any of us appreciated the rude awakening."

"Yes, I suppose not," Damascut strolled around the room, "but this was important."

"Where's President Foghen?" Jenkwofr demanded while the guard holding him yanked him back. 

Damascut replied with a smirk, "Dead, but I made sure it was quick."

"What do you hope to accomplish in that? Oh!" McCoy snarled and yelped as he was kicked in the shin.

"Simple; to step up as the two planet's president, since I'm not afraid of a little blood if it means claiming what _should_ be ours." Damascut said calmly. Spock knew what he was after, considering what little he could piece together from the quarrel at the banquet.

"You desire Altair VI for their landscape and resources." He stated. He could see Kirk looking at him in his peripheral vision.

"So it is true what they say about Vulcans," Damascut chuckled and patted his shoulder aggressively, "Their intelligence is beyond impressive! Now, can you deduce what I want your captain to do now?"

"I cannot," the officer answered honestly, "yet I presume it involves President Jenkwofr in some capacity."

"Excellent deduction," the vice president took Kirk's communicator the guard was holding and presented it to the captain, "Now call upon your starship and tell them Jenkwofr had killed Foghen. We can handle the rest."

"What about your council and Jenkwofr's?" Spock could tell the Superior Officer struggled to hold in his rage, "It would be my word against theirs."

"True. Though this planet, while primitive, were smart inventing these. All of my guards now have these special little tools which convinced both councils it was Jenkwofr who ordered his own guards to lock them in the dungeon." Damascut explained, the grin never leaving his face. The word _disillusioned_ instantly came to mind to describe the man.

"Now Captain," he held the communicator out to the Superior Officer, the guard loosening his grip on Kirk, "Call."

These few seconds he knew would be enough time for Kirk to figure out a plan. While it was always something Spock would never expect, it helped in their favor of defeating whoever was trying to accomplish some feeble dream.

The captain held his gaze with Damascut as he hesitantly took the device. When he flipped the communicator on, Kirk looked puzzled when he heard the chirp.

He fiddled with the item for a beat, expression still on his face and Spock was wondering what he was doing until he said, "The battery's dead."

" _What_?" The vice president exclaimed with fury.

Kirk just replied with a level voice, "It's dead. That chirp signals it needs a few hours to recharge."

"How dare -." Damascut showed his hand to a nearby guard who handed Uhura's communicator over and the vice president thrust the device to his officer. 

The Superior Officer opened it and pointed out the same light chirp, "This one also."

Damascut shouted in frustration and all guards holding everyone's communicators wordlessly handed them over. The man opened each other and got more and more angry at each one's chirps, slamming all the communicators in a pile on the nearby table and yelled, "How do you charge them?"

"Place them in room temperature water for two hours. That should do it." The captain said with a hint of a playful tone only those close to the captain would recognize. 

The Altair III vice president grumbled but ordered all of his team to follow him out with President Jenkwofr, telling three of the guards to stay in the room with Spock and all of the _Enterprise_ crewmen.

Now it was only them and the guards.

"How was your flight here?" Kirk smiled.

They didn't respond.

"If you help us out in arresting Damascut, I promise I'll try my best to work towards a shorter sentence for you all." The officer stepped forward, causing the guards to come closer to him with phasers ready to fire. 

Kirk continued talking while Spock maneuvered around the back so he could get closer to one of them, "You will get all the resources you'll need and you won't have to risk your lives fighting a war that doesn't need to happen."

None of the knights responded, phasers still aimed at Kirk, but the distraction worked as Spock was able to get close enough to nerve pinch one. Doctor McCoy and Mister Scott stepped in alongside the captain to help dispatch the other two guards so now all three of them were unconscious. 

"Scotty, Sulu, try to find a way to open that window," the Superior Officer pointed at the one near the bed and the two instantly went to do the task, "Mister Spock, can you try getting the door open?"

He went over to attempt to unlock the contraption but found it useless, feeling a weight blocking the door which he told the captain about. Fortunately Sulu and Scott were able to quietly break the lock on the window to slide it open and Kirk told everyone to start tying all the sheets they could find into one large rope. Using his strength, Spock ripped off the covers of the pillows to use for the rope and he helped Miss Uhura tie the fabric together. Kirk whispered his thanks to all of them and tested the length of the rope outside the window, mumbling, "Scoot the bed over."

All of the crew took a part of the bed frame and carefully lifted the bed just enough so it would slide on the floor without making a noise. Once one of the bed posts was close enough to the window, the Superior Officer tied an end of the rope around the post as Uhura commented, "Never thought I would recreate a cliche escape route."

"Those old century films _were_ useful for something." the doctor agreed. 

Once Kirk looked satisfied with the knot, he commanded to the rest, "There's just enough to reach the ground. I'll go first."

"I will," Uhura stepped forward, "I'm the lightest. I can test the strength of the rope while everyone else can make sure the bed doesn't make a sound."

The officer visibly sighed yet relented, "Alright. Everyone, gather around the bed frame."

They all did what they were told and Kirk gave the signal to the Communications Officer to begin descending. Spock being the closest to the bedpost with the other end of the fabric used most of his weight to keep the corner exactly where it was. A few anxious seconds passed before they all felt the weight of the pulling release and Uhura whisper-shouting, "I made it!"

The crew gave a sigh of relief. Spock only nodded. 

They continued going down the piece of tied together cloth one at a time with Mister Scott going next, then the captain, Mister Chekov and Mister Sulu until it was his turn.

Spock got himself into position and saw McCoy gave him what looked to be a reassuring nod, "I'm ready."

He nodded in understanding and started climbing down, cautiously stepping against the side of the wall and keeping the makeshift rope steady so there would be less of a chance to move the bed frame. He could see very little besides the dim stars lighting up the black sky, not a moon in sight.

He was able to make his way down as fast as possible, hearing each creak of the bed like a knife stabbing him in his ears until he made it to the ground.

"McCoy, go quickly and be careful." Kirk instructed, then walked closer to the castle wall, "Get ready to catch him."

They all gathered in a circle and held onto each other's arms so they had a firm catching platform for the doctor. Spock watched with rapt attention at the high window as he stepped out and took a moment to test the rope, then started stepping down. Suddenly, the shouting of multiple men startled the tense silence and he saw the Chief Medical Officer stutter before continuing down.

Until there was a rip of fabric from above.

"We got you, just hurry!" Kirk still kept his voice low but shrill enough for the doctor to hear and the officer descended much faster, one of the bedsheets now showing a visible rip and was growing larger.

There was a crack of splintering wood and just as one of the men - still using the Altair VI devices to look like the Altair VI guards - appeared at the window, McCoy yelped and let go, everyone else below him easily catching the man and setting him down.

The captain yelled to the rest, "This way!" and took to the forest on their left side. Spock and the others clumsily followed the captain, some of Damascut's guards turning the corner over on the right side of the castle and shouting at them.

While his Vul - eyes had the ability to see better in dark areas, Spock still struggled through the semi dense forest. He stumbled over roots and branches as they went along and he blindly gripped someone's wrists behind him so they could have more balance support, looking over to see it was Miss Uhura. 

The sprinting of the opposing enemy was getting closer, phasers now firing all around them but barely missing. Spock kept looking over his shoulder to see if the rest of the crew were all alright, then back at Kirk to see where he led them next. It appeared the captain was constantly weaving left and right, trying to confuse and lose the knights behind them. As the man took a sharp left at one towering tree, Spock reached out with his other hand and was able to lightly grasp Kirk's wrist, rearranging his grip so he was tightly holding onto the captain so there will be no way to lose him in the dark trees.

The men were relentless in their tenacity, yet they were too. Spock heard Doctor McCoy yell behind him, "I got you!" He looked behind him and saw the Chief Medical Officer attempting to pull Sulu up onto his back as what the humans called 'piggyback riding' while the Chief Engineering Officer already had Mister Chekov over his shoulder. 

Spock kept a hold of both Kirk and Uhura as they continued running through the trees. He could tell how while before the phaser fires were once deadly close, they were now spreading out more apart until there was no longer any sounds of firing.

"I think I see a clearing, keep going." The Superior Officer huffed and Spock kept his speed even though the muscles in his feet were severely sore. 

Just like what the captain said, there seemed to be an end to the forest. After going through a few more hill rolls, they at last made it to an area of clear blue grass, everything else layered in a heavy fog so thick he couldn't see the crew next to him. 

He saw Mister Chekov step past him and presumably continued forward, disappearing into the mist while Kirk told him to stop. Suddenly, the navigator let out a scream and the sound of rocks falling followed soon after. They all scrambled to go where he went and Spock was able to grasp onto the man's shirt and saw why the Russian got frightened: a canyon with an unknown depth was just a step away from them. Everyone gasped at the large gorge, the only noise was what sounded like a flowing river from down, down below.

"Stay near the edge, we'll go left and make a large circle back to the castle." Kirk commanded and they all started walking. Spock could calculate considering how long they ran they were at least a mile away from the castle, so hopefully the guards won't find them when they tried to return the longer way back. The First Officer felt his right side naturally lean toward the cliff edge to ease the pain off his left foot, so he had to constantly reorient his balance. It was mutually decided without needing to speak they would hold onto the uniform of the person in front of them so they would all follow a neat line in the dense haze, Spock second to first and uselessly stumbling behind Kirk.

His fingers tingled when he remembered the sensation of feeling the officer's mind, practically itching to feel what the captain felt at this moment. He instead focused on where he stepped on the uneven ground in the forest. Even now he wanted to reach out and he kept stopping himself, knowing it was inappropriate. Such a strange concept, wanting to be irrational when you're in love.

He kept his eyes ahead while reminding himself the promise he made to tell the captain everything once they were safely back at the establishment and arrested Damascut. 

The fog had finally started to lift somewhat and Spock counted nine minutes and thirty-three point two seconds since they began walking on the side of the canyon when he saw a dark-colored object in the distance.

They continued moving forward a few more steps until they could all see the item looked to be a narrow brick-formed bridge, its railing and general structure crumbling. The canyon below still had heavy fog concentrated there, making the depth unknown, but beyond the gap was a large field with tall wheat-like grass.

"Must've been abandoned." Sulu absentmindedly commented. Kirk placed one hand on the side of the bridge, the brick he touched crumbling into pebbles and falling into the ravine below. 

"Alright, this seems far enough, let's -" 

The captain was suddenly cut off by a shout, "They're here!"

"Shit!" McCoy cursed. Spock would have to agree. 

He watched the captain as he processed the situation and how to solve it until he said with a hint of a waver, "They're in both directions. We have to cross."

"Captain, we don't know if this'll hold!" Scotty croaked.

Chekov bickered back, "Vhat choice do we have?"

Kirk closed his eyes and tilted his head down and Spock couldn't stop himself before placing one hand on his shoulder. His fingers lit up again with the same spark as before and he made eye contact with the Superior Officer's deep bronze corneas. He felt relief and he couldn't tell whether it was his own or not. Either way, Kirk turned towards the bridge, making Spock's hand fall to his side as the captain instructed, "Move quickly, keep at least four feet distance between you and the other person."

The sound of branches breaking became louder, so Spock moved to his officer's side to help guide everyone else onto the brick bridge. His gaze followed Mister Sulu who was the first to step on, Spock instinctively stepped towards the entrance of the structure when the navigator's foot broke through the platform.

"I'm alright." Sulu hissed and carefully pulled his foot out and continued moving. Spock moved back to Kirk's side and watched dutifully as each one of the _Enterprise_ crew tried to lightly jog across the ancient structure. Once Doctor McCoy went on last, he and Kirk snapped back to see a large group of men looking like Altair VI guards made it past the trees and were charging. 

"Go Spock!" The captain yelled and he didn't have time to argue, so the First Officer took a hesitant step on the bricks, feeling each one crack underneath him and the captain panting down his neck. His vision shook as he suddenly dropped downward but he was still able to stand, although the once straightforward bridge was now a small hill to climb.

McCoy took to leaping all the way to the end so it was only him, Kirk and the guards that were now causing the bridge to wobble even more. Spock's mind seemed to be operating slower now, like the human phrase about time slowing down when you're distressed. Spock knew only a few seconds were trailing by, yet it felt like an intense minute of trying to get to the end when it looked to be within arms reach.

Just a couple steps more…

The holes that appeared on the bridge underneath him were now causing the bridge to collapse on itself and Spock's mind broke into overdrive. Without even a second thought, he reached behind to feel the fabric of Kirk's yellow top and _lunged_. He went far forward, but only a small bit upward. It was just enough to be able to grab a hold of the side of the cliff with his fingertips, the grass tickling him.

He heard the screams of the guards falling as he got his own footing on the rock wall and he felt the weight of the hand holding onto the captain lessen a minuscule. He turned around to see the man barely pushing himself up by his toes. Kirk's hands, previously fumbling at the wall, shot out to grip Spock's forearm as the rocks on the wall broke off and pulled Spock's arm down with Kirk. The Science Officer didn't hesitate to stop the fall by taking a strong hold of one of Kirk's wrists, his other hand starting to go numb from the pressure of holding onto the edge of the cliff. There was still only a gray haze two feet below them.

All of the crew came racing towards the two's aid, Doctor McCoy grunting, "Hold on, we got you." They were leaning over attempting to pull him up and Spock likewise was trying to support the officer below him as he started climbing on the side of the wall, his feet slipping every time. Spock could see the team was struggling with the weight of the two full-grown men.

He glanced back down at Kirk and repositioned his grip, then suddenly felt a spark in his mind and a rush of adrenaline and panic; Spock's melding walls must have slipped due to the stress of the situation. He used this to his advantage and made sure to breathe deeply in and out, forcing calming images and sounds in his mind almost like trying to brutally shove peace to the officer. Spock reached around his own feelings to get to the other end of the meld and the sense of urgency that was once there was somewhat dying down. Instead there was a wavering sense of tranquility back in the small interwoven thread of their minds.

Right in the center, there was an electric buzz, sending tingles down his spine like before.

Spock kept eye contact with the man while trying to pull himself up, ignoring the ravine below and kept the meld between them as the focal point of his thoughts, the electricity flowing through as an anchor for him. Jim - Jim… was fine, Spock was in control, both of them would be alright.

Until he heard faint stomping out in the distance.

The captain snapped his head back to the other end of the canyon. There was something in the far corner of their shared minds, something he couldn't read. The emotions in this small area were flicking faster than he could keep up with until it started to grow into the forefront of their threaded link. It was sorrowful but had a hint of contentment and resolution, reminding him of leaving home, wondering what the beyond was -

No.

**NO!**

Spock screamed his refusal into the meld, causing a jolt of staggering emotional pain to ricochet through both ends of the mental link. Spock felt as if he was submerged underwater and he squeezed the hand holding Jim's wrist until Spock was sure he was cutting off circulation in his own fingers. Throughout the hammering weight in his body and the drowning emotions in their shared minds, beneath all of it was that buzz, that wonderfully intense pulse of their connection. What was only metaphorical waves in his body now blossomed into a hazy warmth like the sun, the perfect way to describe Jim as a whole.

Spock concentrated on the electricity of this love, forcing it to be the main focus of their mind meld and in the faint starlight of outside, he could see the twinkle of Jim's eyes and a watery smile on his face.

Then his friend kicked forward and pushed himself back, the force of Jim's body pulling away made Spock break his grip.

He could hear a scream but couldn't tell from who. A pressure was surrounding him, forcing him not to dive into the fog even though he fought against it with all his might. He could only watch helplessly as Jim fell into the unseeable canyon, those twinkling eyes being the last thing Spock could make out.

There was still a connection, a buzz from within his mind that was slowly being numbed by all the shouting from the outside world and he couldn't let this go, Jim was still there, just barely an impression buzzing softly like the crackling of a flame slowly fleeting away and he needed to hold onto it longer he can't lose it _he can't lose him again_ \- 

It was no longer there.

There was a deafening vibration of one single noise from somewhere and the pain in his head swelled unfathomably.

Spock felt the pounding of his head in the back of his eyes, so much so the contact on his skin didn't faze him. It wasn't until he felt the solid foundation of the earth beneath him that he cleared his vision to see the _Enterprise_ crew already running with him following clumsily behind, their shouts overlapping and stirring together as they all raced into the field. The Science Officer could understand he was running, running away, trying to find protection… he must protect the crew.

Spock shifted his mind onto his crewmates, his sole purpose now was finding a place to hide. He started sprinting more confidently, traveling past everyone else to read the environment and find an area to house them all. The ringing in his ears had decreased so he could now recognize the firing of the phasers were gone. He slowed his pace until he was lightly jogging, assuming the rest of the crewmen were doing the same. In reality, only mere seconds had passed which seemed to be impossible as Spock remembered each moment on the cliffside lasting minutes in his brain.

The cliffside. 

No, the crew was most important at the moment. He continued scanning the area only to find nothing but an open field. 

He also tried not to notice the strange lack of any sticky rain on his skin or weight in his body. 

Spock peeked over the lengthy grass, squinting into the darkness for another large amount of seconds until he could make out the outline of something ginormous and tinted shades of violet.

He changed direction and headed toward the structure, hoping his suspicions were correct. After one point twenty-seven minutes of steady jogging which reignited the pain in his feet, they arrived to find a winding trail of boulders. Spock instructed the group to split up and each go in opposite directions so they could see both sides of the boulder line. They easily did what they were told as the First Officer remained where he was, peering at a specific spot on a boulder. It was a solid piece, something he could keep his full attention on as his mind threatened to go elsewhere, he couldn't go there because it would be _bad_ and why was his body feeling normal?

"Over here, a cave!" Lieutenant Uhura's voice broke through his downward descent, so he walked to where he heard the call and saw Uhura, Sulu and McCoy standing at the opening of a small-scale but strong cavern. Chekov and Scott came soon after and Spock went to examine the inner walls of the cavity to see if it was as structurally sound as it looked, which it fortunately was.

He turned to the doctor and asked with a completely flat voice, "McCoy, you and Sulu are in command at the moment. Get an adequate fire started and keep a secure eye on surroundings."

Spock saw the doctor's face twist into something unrecognizable to him. Possibly an emotion he didn't have the knowledge of, but no matter what it was, he found the expression unpleasant. Nonetheless, McCoy agreed and Spock left, keeping a fast walking pace until he arrived on the other side of the boulder structure. 

The entire field was truly magnificent, the grass lightly brushing against Spock's fingers pleasing him. It reminded him of the ozh'esta, the mention of the intimate Vulcan gesture reigniting the waves in his body. The waves that were so calm yet so powerful, now defined as the love he feels.

No. The love he felt.

At this, he shattered. 

Spock fell to his knees and screamed into the night, not caring who heard it because it didn't matter anymore because all his life he'd learn to suppress his emotions and when he wanted to embrace them they betrayed him. The metaphorical rain and crushing weight were finally there and he embraced it all and it felt like he was going to die. Spock's emotions failed him and his Vulcan philosophy too. Now he was left without his friend, his love and his identity. 

Even through the storm inside his head he kept struggling to reach out with his mind, hoping desperately he would find Jim's but it was no use. This time there was no clever trick; no, Jim was dead and it was all his fault because he couldn't hold on tighter, couldn't get through the meld how much Jim meant to him when he should have done it a long time ago. 

Spock felt like a cord was severed and frayed and it _hurt_. His entire being was crumbling around him because he wanted to reject his raw Vulcan half, yet his human half ended up doing the very thing he was trying to avoid. He didn't know who to listen to, what was really _him_.

Spock now saw why Vulcans who lose their mate prematurely never fully recovered, acting like a hollow shell of who they once were, their mate half of their whole. 

But he couldn't become that now. 

Not yet. 

The _Enterprise_ crew still needed to find a way back to the Altair VI establishment and receive their phasers and communicators so they could arrest Damascut and return to the starship.

Then he could leave and go back to Vulcan to achieve total control of himself. This way he would not have to be reminded of his own shortcomings, of Jim and of his human half altogether. 

With that, Spock gathered himself up off the ground and walked back to the cave to formulate a plan with them, ignoring the rain and weight on his body. After he completed the Vulcan ritual, these negative sensations would cease to exist. 

All emotional sensations would be purged from him.

It was only logical.


	12. T'lema

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One who walks in dreams - an obscure reference to precognition and possibly a method for locating a t'hy'la.

The first thing Jim could process was how his lower left leg was throbbing. The next was how the rest of his body also felt sore, yet the leg pain was more pronounced. The third was how much his neck was killing him, usually whenever he woke up on hard ground. Speaking of which, his body's nerves were now fully alert and were telling him he indeed was laying on uneven solid ground. Jim ran his hand over the surface and felt small cracks in what seemed to be a firm rock. 

Why was he - the bridge! 

They were all crossing it, then it collapsed and he made the choice to let himself go so Spock and the crew would not be in direct danger.

So then he must still be miraculously alive, Jim recognizing the sound of roaring water under him. 

He moved his arms slightly, glad they didn't seem to be fractured and got them into a position so he could push his chest up off the ground. It was a slow and grueling process, but Jim was able to at least get his torso up, only being able to see glimpses of the other side of the canyon wall beyond the heavy mist.

Jim was grateful his upper body was fine enough to work for now, although now was the difficult part of seeing if both of his legs would cooperate. By how his left leg was feeling, his chances were slim, though he knew he couldn't get anyone else to help him - if he didn't starve to death first. So with that, the Superior Officer pulled his right leg up into a kneeling position and lifted his body up, the feeling similar to a ton of rocks falling on him. Jim gave a push with his arms so he would force his body upright, the force making him lean against the wall behind him to catch himself. He felt the jabbing of the crooked wall but couldn't care less at the moment, shuffling his body so he would rely only on his right leg, his left leg still in the same pose it was when he was knocked out. Jim held his breath as he ever so slowly started to straighten his knee. 

Luckily for him, his knee was in working shape. With his hands braced behind him on the wall, he gingerly set his foot down, toes first. He continued lowering his foot until the entire thing was on the rock, but immediately grunted and picked the foot up again. 

Yep, his ankle was definitely injured.

Jim cursed out loud for all of the night sky to hear. He hopped around so he was facing the cliff wall and squinted up to see just how far down he was on this wall. It was hard to decipher, but he believed he could see an end up above, so he would take that as a good sign.

Jim was so glad he trained in the parkour class the Academy offered, even though he originally thought the rocking climbing skill wouldn't be of any use to him. He was starting to remember bits and pieces of what happened before he fell, how the uneven wall would break often because of course there would be another challenge to overcome on top of his busted ankle.

Jim looked back up at the wall's horizon, catching the twinkling of the stars above and remembered his crew, his friends. They needed him and he wasn't going to let them down if Fate apparently decided to give him another go at life.

So with a little more preparation, the captain placed his hands back where he rested them before and pulled himself up so his right foot could find a solid place to rest on the wall. Once he was able to find one after two or three tries, he started his ascent. 

It consisted of having to lift himself up a little bit at a time, a weird kind of hopping motion since his left ankle was unable to do anything. Either way, Jim was able to get a smooth routine down so he could keep a steady pace and hopefully reach the top in quick time.

Because that was important at the moment, getting to his crew so he knew they were okay.

Shit, he just remembered they thought he died before their eyes. Obviously during the rush of trying to find safety they couldn't mourn, but if they were out of harm's way, then it probably was weighing on them what they thought had happened.

Especially for Spock.

Jim had to pause a moment.

The memory of the meld was still fresh in his mind after he woke up, like coming back to a partially burning bonfire, holding onto each other's minds while the two were on the side of the cliff. The bright glimmering of love was distant yet still shone through as Jim struggled to climb up and save his crew. It was brilliant though devastating, feeling sorrow unlike he had ever experienced before, not like from Spock's sensory dissociation but from within the man unlike Jim's ever felt. Instead of Spock forcing his emotions out to apparently appease Jim, it was like being allowed access to the inner workings of his mind and Jim knew exactly the reason why he was allowed to see all of Spock.

He knew it would be foolish to keep holding onto the wall, leaving Spock and the _Enterprise_ crew vulnerable to Damascut's knights. What did catch him by surprise was knowing Spock would be willing to throw away all logic and rely on his emotions to persuade Jim not to fall just to have a chance to keep him alive. It was a manipulative tactic, but flawlessly logical. 

What the tactic did do though was remind Jim of his yearning and grief-filled passion, even now when he should be focusing on making sure where he put his weight on the wall would be able to support him since he was now dangling a good twenty feet off the cliffside where he was before. 

He could see that the fog was clearing, meaning Jim should be nearing the top. This gave the Superior Officer the strength to carry on, to get back to his friends and to Damascut so he could arrest him. Most of all, he wanted to get back to Spock, to show him he was alive and he wouldn't have to feel so much pain for him.

The amount of sadness the Captain felt from Spock during their mind meld was indescribable, far beyond what Jim thought he deserved. If anything, it's Spock that deserved all the support and care in the world, to know it didn't matter what the Science Officer said or did as long as he was sure of himself.

Jim could barely register when his mind started shifting to wanting to shower Spock with care and affection, but he didn't care.

He felt a faint grin on his face when he looked back on all their chess matches and usual banters on the Bridge, when they would be concerned for the other on a mission; all of it was some form of fondness Jim couldn't place the reason why he felt that way. Perhaps the love bloomed overtime or it was already there, he didn't particularly know, but the captain knew it didn't matter to him. What Spock needed, what they both needed, was to confront what happened. Jim knew the last thing the First Officer needed was to be vulnerable with his emotions again; that's okay, because he can show enough for the both of them, just so Spock knew he was loved wholly and unconditionally by Jim.

It would be hard to talk about, but knowing it'll hopefully make the First Officer realize he didn't need to change himself for anyone - least of all for Jim, he never had to - gave the incentive Jim needed to carry on because he needed to make it up this damn cliff.

Palms sore and fingers cramping, the Superior Officer pushed up as fast as possible, rocks falling around him as it was getting harder and harder to find firm places to hold onto. His right leg tried to find places to perch but it was constantly stretched unnaturally so Jim couldn't put his weight on it, leaving it to his arms to pull his body up. It was working though, he was getting closer to the top and he would finally make it, he just needed to grab onto the grassy surface and lift himself -

His world got brutally cut to black.

* * *

Jim's head and neck were pounding and his arms and legs were sore, the pain far worse than before on the cliffside. The last thing he remembered was finally reaching the top of the cliff, then a blur of something, then nothing. His best guess was that a couple of Damascut's guards took the long way around the canyon and coincidentally stumbled upon him, which led Jim to the worst case scenario: they kept searching for the rest of the crew.

The rest of the captain's body started waking up and he was able to process he seemed to be hanging from his wrists, feet barely brushing the ground. Jim's chest and ribs were screaming out in pain and he couldn't recall whether these were new injuries or not. Knowing that nasty fall he took and guessing how unkind the guards seem, probably a mixture of both.

He faintly heard a door creak open from aways, so he used all the energy he had to open his eyes only to come face to face with the Altair III vice president.

Without warning, Damascut viciously backhanded him, Jim swinging to the side helplessly. 

"Clever bastard," the brunette sneered, "now where's the rest of your party?"

"I dunno." He muttered, then felt a hard boot fly into his gut, sending blood out of his mouth.

"Liar!" Damascut screamed, then slammed his fist directly on impact with Jim's nose, more of the sticky blood gushing out. The officer's hair was yanked painfully back and he bit his tongue to not yelp as he felt the man spit out, "Where. Are. They?"

"I don't know," Jim groaned, "I fell down the cliff before -"

A knee smashed into his crotch and he tried to stop his moans of pain. Fortunately the fingers in his hair loosened completely and he saw Damascut back up into the far end of whatever dungeon he was in. Jim was breathing irregularly and his face was numb, yet all he could think about was how he wasn't able to find the crew. Hopefully they would be able to figure out a way to return to the _Enterprise_ safely and get the proper security to come back and defeat this sick man. Jim didn't know how long that would take, but by considering how furious the vice president is now and all the blood he's losing, he probably wouldn't be around much long to see the _Enterprise_ and her crew. But the less chance of the crew putting themselves in needless danger just to get back to him, the better. 

The captain started hearing an electric whirl of a machine starting up and his head snapped up - not helping his neck - to see Damascut with a small box and wires connecting two metal discs to it in hand.

"You see Captain, with both Altair VI and us having similar technological advances, we had to get creative to gain the upper hand," the vice president explained while placing the discs on each side of Jim's temple, him weakly attempting to get out of the way, "this is one I developed just recently, never getting the chance to test out. Until now."

Damascut had a psychotically gleeful look in his eyes and once the discs were firmly placed, Jim could already feel an unpleasant buzz penetrating his head. It was tingling straight through to the center of his brain, like two energy forces meeting at the center and colliding with each other. 

"Altair III could've been able to develop farther ahead if their engineers weren't so incompetent," the burning in his mind was growing, "I tried explaining this to Foghen but he was insistent that it wasn't necessary to change our way of life. It was at that moment I knew I needed to step up as leader if anything were to actually get done."

"You could've helped them, help Altair VI," Jim grunted through his teeth, feeling the pressure in his gums at how hard he bit, "both of you would create amazing things, mixing skills and intellect."

"That implies anyone at Altair VI has any skills or intellect." Damascut quipped back and he turned a dial on his contraption, making the pain intensify tenfold, "But either way, I will still figure out how to frame Jenkwofr, even without your help. Such a shame too, would've been far less painful if you hadn't ran off."

A true man could admit when he was scared, and the Superior Officer was terrified at the moment. It was the same kind of fear when he was preparing himself to let go of Spock, almost seeing his life flash before his eyes like what others said they saw. He knew this was better than any of his friends being in the same position, but it didn't stop the human reaction of fearing death.

Perhaps what truly saddened Jim was the fact he was so close to his crew, to let them know he was alive. To let Spock know it wasn't his fault, that they would both get better together. 

Jim acknowledged a single tear escaping his eye and he could taste the metallic liquid of blood from biting down on his tongue so hard. 

Thinking of what could've happened wouldn't help him, so he instead trailed off back to all the positive moments with Spock: the small cracks of inner emotions slipping through his demeanor, learning the Vulcan lyre with him and being utterly mesmerized at his musical ability, feeling himself falling when Spock told him he felt astonishment and awe whenever he was near Jim.

 _"I have felt both equally whenever I see you express your happiness openly, Jim."_ Was Spock honest when he said this or was it him forcing himself to admit it? Jim let himself be selfish and imagined he wanted to, just for now. Spock looked so relieved saying it, anxiously waiting for Jim's response while all the Superior Officer could do was calm his racing heart.

Jim focused on this memory when the burning in his mind grew unbelievably horrible; the specific hesitant pause in Spock's sentence, how he felt like he was under a spotlight watched by millions while his mind gone through all the things he could say about Spock when Jim wanted to say everything he loved about the man so Spock would understand how complete the First Officer made him feel.

He repeated Spock's emotional sentence as a scream tore through his throat, feeling a headache beyond anything he's ever experienced before. 

_"I have felt both equally whenever I see you express your happiness openly, Jim."_ It was the only thing his mind could focus on until it too was slipping away from him, leaving Jim with the ache in his body and the agony in his brain. 

He was starting to get dizzy and he was hoping it meant he would finally pass out, not having to be conscious to feel all of this pain anymore. Yes, he could just… go to sleep, not worry. His crew would be devastated, he was sure of it and it made him feel a different kind of pain about this. He could only hope they would understand he was sorry and that Spock would know Jim would be okay.

Spock, saying Jim astonished and awed him just by his joy… didn't Spock know Jim felt the same way?

 _"I have felt both equally whenever I see you express your happiness openly, Jim." "I have felt both equally whenever I see you express your happiness openly, Jim."_ He just needed to keep repeating it in his head, let the voice of Spock ease him to sleep, please...

He was shifting in and out of dream and reality as he started to hear shouting coming from outside. He didn't have the strength to open his eyes and hoped he wouldn't have to dream much longer. This one was particularly loud and violent, making Jim's already aching mind throb at the noises. 

The loud sounds kept droning on, getting closer to him and he felt himself uselessly moving away from the commotion, still repeating Spock's sentence - until he heard a familiar voice shout his name.

This sounded differently than how his memory did. Adding on to whatever this dream Spock said was the feeling of hands on his bare skin. It wasn't anything like what Damascut did; this was so gentle and he was grateful his dream was now quieting down to this enjoyable comfort. 

Jim leaned against the touch, wanting more, his dream granted his wish by drifting farther down into unconsciousness where he could no longer feel the tender bruises on his wrists and instead was carried by this warmth. 

Then, the sparks that reminded him of Spock's love returned in moderate doses, enhancing this experience. His mind didn't process how there was still clamoring of fights and shouting outside of this gentle little bubble of care, the burrowing spark now turned into a flame, constant and surrounding him just like the strong careful arms and Jim could have cried with joy if he hadn't spent all his energy.

Words were flying by Jim, some by Dream Spock and some by other people he couldn't name, he didn't care. He was drifting further down to complete sleep and while he hoped this dream would stay with him, the officer still held onto the hint of this flame from his dream. The sounds and the aftermath of the torture and the feeling of arms holding him faded, yet the spark still remained, like a blanket covering him… 


	13. Kaunsh'es

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unity - the state or quality of being one; singleness; the state or quality of being in accord; harmony; the combination or arrangement of parts into a whole; unification.

He was alive. Jim was alive and breathing in his arms and Spock could feel his mind functioning normally despite being put through the excruciating torture. The man was slipping in and out of reality, Spock catching vague impressions of Jim relating to his surroundings as a dream, so he lets the captain stay in his "dream" by concentrating on that steady pulse of their love through their mind meld. He could tell Jim also felt their mind's electricity, soaking it in greedily and refusing to let go of it, so Spock continuously provided the feeling for him until he could tell it was the only thing at the forefront of Jim's mind, the last thing the captain thought about as he lost consciousness.

Jim's REM cycle was moving between dreams like how normal humans slept, not bothering Spock as he ignored all the battling and disorder around him to remain connected with the Superior Officer's mind. It kept his own emotions leveled and the sticky rain off his skin as he followed the starship crew outside and Mister Scott asked via communicator to beam the _Enterprise_ crew and Altair III's party up.

Crewmembers were already gathered around and the irrational side of the First Officer wanted to lash out at all the probing hands, yet he submerged it to let them take care of Jim. Spock made sure he wasn't far behind, willing to assist however he could with tending to the captain's injuries in the Medical Bay. Nurse Chapel kept insisting he did not need to be so close to Jim anymore and saying he would be alright, Spock having to continously inhale deeply so he would not blurt out that four point eight hours ago he thought Jim killed himself to save him. Instead Spock ignored her and stayed at the officer's side while Doctor M'Benga tended to his own minuscule wounds, never breaking their mind meld. It was a struggle, especially when he couldn't physically hold onto Jim for seconds at a time for whatever reason. He knew it was illo - strange to still feel this worry, yet he couldn't help but fear the worst if he dropped the connection for longer than a moment. 

Finally after Chapel agreed Jim was no longer in dire condition, she told the nurses to tend to the other crew members, leaving Spock alone with the Superior Officer in a private room.

Spock sat on the right side of Jim and here, in the privacy of this space, he dropped his head in exhaustion and rested it haphazardly on the mattress bed near the officer's knee, keeping his right hand on Jim's right forearm. With all the action going by in a frantic rush, Spock didn't have time to process what exactly happened, with more pressing matters taking over his mind. 

Spock looked back and remembered when the Enterprise crew made the long trek back to the Altair VI establishment and finally arrived when the sun started to peak above the horizon. He was glad the crew's plan to sneak in by using the Altair VI cloaking devices worked, albeit with a small fight breaking out between them and the men guarding the front entrance that ended swiftly. Once he was able to figure out how the mechanisms worked, all of them were soon dressed up in the armor and looking exactly the same as the Altair VI knights and they started their journey through the building.

Throughout all of this Spock was nothing but a strict leader, taking them through the halls with confidence and being able to convince one of the Altair III guards to let them see the communicators, saying Damascut asked for them. They all remained stoic as the man led them to a large bathroom, all of their communicators floating in the tub filled with water. They took them out as fast as possible and Spock was hoping - no, he was completely fine - they would still function after they arrested the vice president.

The same guard that led them to the bathroom took them down flight after flight of stairs until they arrived in a massive subterranean area, Spock barely figuring out the sound coming from the far room. It was the same room the guard showed them, the sound now distinctly a long yell and he nerve pinched the man once he opened the dungeon door. More guards noticed and started attacking, the _Enterprise_ crew holding them back while Spock entered the dungeon area, the scream still shrill and long.

Then, he saw him. 

Jim was there, alive and screaming in pain while the vice president froze and stared at Spock, holding a small rectangular machine.

The First Officer now understood the human phrase of seeing red because all his senses were filled with nothing but blinding fury.

Spock had a small recollection of taking down someone, possibly another guard, the shouting of more guards behind him growing but he just turned his attention to Damascut. The man was clearly demented, not caring in the slightest if Jim died even though he said he needed him for his framing plot. 

Blood was rushing in Spock ears and his heart thumped loudly, images of crushing the murderer's skull repeating in his mind while the rest of the world around him stopped. He was still filled with adrenaline as he clenched and unclenched his fists, the repeating motion bringing him back to the present. As he was starting to think coherently again, a small whimper pierced through the air and his body exploded with all sorts of conflicting emotions.

He raced over to Jim who was still breathing and _alive_ and Spock could feel both thunderous waves and chilling weights inside him. He possibly let his overpowering feelings display, it didn't matter to him when he was able to rejoice in feeling Jim's slightly warm and stubbly cheek under his palm. 

He remembered the chains attaching the man to the stone wall being ripped off, he remembered the sobs he attempted to close off to no avail when the warmth of Jim's mind appeared in his own, small and distant but there. He remembered a surge of something primal in him saying he must protect this man at all costs, the Science Officer not caring if it was a mate's urge or not. Nothing else mattered except keeping Jim safe, so he weaved his way through the brawl to go to a safe area, being careful of the Superior Officer's sore body as Spock carried him through. 

They made it somewhere near a window in the main lobby area and Spock could see all the rips covered in blood on Jim's yellow uniform, the bodily fluid definitely hiding major cuts and bruises. Spock elected to ignore it for now, only looking at his face and head for any sign of trauma, fortunately finding none. He inspected Jim some more, willing to admit he wanted to keep sensing their shared minds. It was quiet, with only the sound of Spock's heavy breathing and Jim's silent one occupying the atmosphere, him feeling the inner depths of their interwoven thread and could tell Jim still felt the impressions of their meld. So Spock gave in more to the electricity of their love, readjusting the mind meld so more and more of the brilliant electricity was present in Jim's unconsciousness. 

Even now in the private sector of the Medical Bay he wanted to push their shared minds so it was at the center of Jim's thoughts, but instead appreciated the peace of their connection at the moment. The rain and weight lifted in a metaphysical manner and now the waves were all that was left. Spock wanted the waves to last forever, now no longer thinking of them as a hindrance. It reminded him of this connection and he wanted to feel like this for the rest of his life.

Should he say all of this to Jim once he awoken? Really, he had to. It was the one thing Spock agreed upon with himself; to confess everything he felt the past days to the man, for both of their sakes. He knew through their meld the captain felt love towards him and likewise, so Jim wouldn't reject the emotional confession, would he? He had a strong reaction when Spock admitted he felt awe and astonishment for him, but why? Perhaps it was a part of being in love. He would have to investigate more.

But first, Jim needed to wake up.

Spock's thoughts were interrupted by the door opening and Doctor McCoy stepped in with a new fresh uniform. His hand reluctantly left Jim's arm.

"I assume he's well?" He asked, gesturing towards the officer.

"Affirmative."

"I'm glad." McCoy stared at the man for a little while longer until he seemingly realized what he was doing and stopped. Spock suddenly remembered not only was he processing the Superior Officer's return but the rest of the _Enterprise_ crew was too. They were all close to Jim, so it would only be logi - it would make sense they would want to reconnect with him after he was well.

"Well Jim would be happy to know the entire debacle with the planets is settled," the doctor smiled, "Damascut and his men are arrested and will be taken back to Altair III - they will definitely all need a check-up first though, thanks to you."

Spock was not bothered in the slightest regarding the mutinied party. 

"President Jenkwofr was able to tell the Altair III council what happened and they still agreed to a contract between them, two of their higher up men now acting as President and Vice." The Chief Medical Officer continued, "Their settlement will begin in the morning which Miss Neoval said we don't have to be there for."

"The one thing that I am glad about is how I don't have to keep saying 'Altair twenty-six' or 'Altair negative three' anymore." McCoy snickered.

Spock nodded at the doctor's joke but his mind was back on the Altair III party, pleased to know the former vice president and his men will no longer cause harm to anyone else anymore.

He did though ask the Medical Officer, "Are the rest of the crew in fit physical condition?"

"Yep."

"And I presume one of the doctors told you you were in stable condition to begin work?"

McCoy didn't answer, only making side eye contact. Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Doctor!" The two men turned toward the automatic door which revealed Doctor M'Benga, "You _have_ to rest."

"I appreciate the concern, but I'm fi -" McCoy cut himself off with a sudden and rough cough. M'Benga sighed and led the officer out by the arm so Spock was alone again with the unconscious captain.

Until he heard a moan.

He practically lunged himself towards the side of the man's head, right hand returning to grasp Jim's right shoulder and Spock regained focus on their shared minds. The small pulse grew stronger with the familiar sense that was Jim while said officer was wheezing hard until Spock caught a glimpse of Jim's dark brown corneas. He blinked rapidly, Spock sensing his confusion which he attempted to help by trying to send relaxing impressions to Jim. This seemed to ground the Superior Officer, Spock feeling him process this calming effect then welcomed it more, finally seeing Jim's breathing evened out and his eyes were fully open and skimming the room. 

His officer caught his gaze and held it, Spock feeling a sudden jolt in their shared love including layers of joy and… awe? This reminded him of when he felt awe for Jim, so perhaps it was.

"Spock." He croaked and closed his eyes, placing his left hand over the Science Officer's right and Spock struggled to breathe. Neither one had ever initiated _this_ kind of contact before, yet it felt almost natural, like Jim's hand perfectly shaped to Spock's own. Nevertheless, he still had trouble breathing because of this intimacy. Spock hoped his fluster wasn't present in the meld, but considering how nothing of the mind meld had changed, Spock assumed Jim didn't realize what he was doing or didn't want to let go of Spock's hand. Either way, he would not stop Jim.

The First Officer called for assistance and two nurses came in after a few moments. He slid his hand so he was grasping Jim's right forearm and the officer's left hand never left his as the nurses evaluated the captain's health and deemed it exceptional. They left soon after, telling the two men one of the doctors would come in much later. Surprisingly, Spock felt no negative emotion from knowing they were doing an affectionate act in front of other crew members; in fact, it felt natural to him.

"How are you feeling physically?" He asked first, Jim simply huffing in response.

"Is my ankle broken?"

"The talus was separated from the foot. Doctor Ranai was able to place a cast over before any permanent damage would transpire."

"Sounds bad but I'm glad it's fine."

"Is the rest of your body satisfactory?" 

He groaned and tightened his grip on Spock's hand, the Science Officer being able to feel the tips of Jim's fingers pressing the sides of his palm, "Sore, better now that I'm laying down. Surprised I don't have a headache."

"You were put under heavy sedatives so you could handle strong enough hypo sprays that would ease swelling in your skull." He explained, trying not to let the warm yet firm hand on his sensitive skin distract him.

"How's the rest of them?" Jim asked, breathing still unsteady.

"Alive and well, Captain." He answered and Jim smiled softly, Spock having to concentrate on not letting too much of his love pour through the meld.

"We are off-duty; you can call me Jim." He tried to smirk clearly struggling with the act, so he stayed with a light grin which Spock didn't mind. It still radiated the personality that was uniquely the man's own and the First Officer wanted to smile back. Instead he suppressed it and leaned away from his face, realizing how he was nearly hovering over an inch away from Jim despite not remembering how he got into this position. Jim's hand slipped from his own and he tried to not let it inconvenience him, keeping his right hand on his arm while sitting on the mattress, his back facing away from the captain.

"I am… pleased, to see you," Spock said with a leveled voice, "Although I do wish to not see any sort of situation like it again."

"Trust me, I don't want to try." Jim groaned and tried sitting up. Spock moved the hand that remained on the captain's forearm to his chest, carefully but sternly keeping him from straining himself. Jim glared at him but silently moved back to how he was before on the bed. Spock let his right hand drift back to his officer's right forearm, the man's left hand so close to his.

The Superior Officer's annoyance trickled through the mind meld and Spock thought about the rationality of not pushing his body to do something it wasn't yet prepared for without words. Jim seemed to understand this as the annoyance faded away.

They were back to the lovely peace of their connection, not needing to say anything but simply feel Jim's presence. Spock really didn't deserve this, didn't deserve the man, not after what he put Jim through by unwittingly pulling him into his own inner turmoil. Spock wished to be a proper friend for him and not unleash a wave of intrusive thoughts and feelings at him, now it was said and done. Would what he had to say be enough to reverse their predicament?

"Stay with me, Spock," his brain, which started to become clouded by rain again, heard the captain and his voice through the developing metaphysical thunder, "You don't need to close yourself away from me. It's okay."

"I… know," he felt his mouth grapple with the words, "It happens out of my control."

"Doesn't your meditation help?"

He couldn't look at the officer's face anymore and looked down at where his right hand was. He felt Jim's sudden shock which then turned into deep poignancy, "You haven't? Spock, even humans -"

"I know," he countered and he felt Jim wanting to pull back. He dropped his hand from his body, effectively breaking the now weak connection despite what he wanted, "It reminded me of being Vulcan."

"I -" the captain stammered, "I'm sorry, I don't mean… I'm saying that meditation is an important aspect of practicing self-control. Yes it was popularly taught on Vulcan but did you want to do it again after you stopped?"

"Yes." He replied without hesitation.

"Then you should." He remarked and Spock had to remember to breathe. This was what he was anticipating, to finally reveal what he had been feeling the past few days. So then why was he having trouble speaking?

Everything he spoke became garbled and he felt - no, he didn't feel embarrassed - what was it, did he feel it or not?

He felt fingers splayed across his right forearm. He wanted to open the meld again but refused to give into the temptation. 

"Please, I don't want to pressure you -" 

Jim started, his right hand leaving, but Spock cut him off, "I do wish to tell you what has been transpiring in my mind, but… it causes an involuntary physical reaction."

The man looked at him with an unreadable expression, leaving his right hand on Spock's right wrist, "Like back at…"

There was no need for clarification; Spock knew he meant during their lyre lesson when the rain and weight inside him became overbearing. He only had the ability to nod and Jim responded with a look he knew to be sympathy, "I understand."

It looked like the officer wanted to say more, so Spock kept silent and waited. Jim laid back on his pillow to look at the ceiling and the First Officer barely heard him mumbling, "Meld with me. So you don't have to speak."

He stared at Jim.

Spock had sworn off mind melds when he first asked him, saying he wanted to learn the human way but knowing it was because he didn't want to connect with Jim the Vulcan way. Now though, when Spock initially reached his mind out to him to ease both of their minds, he already was struggling to keep to himself and not reconnect minds. It made him want to scream about how his mind could never decipher what it wanted; was he Vulcan or human?

But then he looked at Jim again, waiting patiently for an answer. Their mind meld, their electric connection was unlike any human interaction. It transcended normal bonds, making it not just a product of Vulcan biology but a product of two people who were in love. Spock loved him, there was no doubt and Jim loved him back. Despite his body trying to drown out his thoughts, he knew only one thing; he wanted to connect with Jim again. Was it a human reaction or a Vulcan one, he did not know. He won't question it at the moment, only letting whatever this urge was pull him.

Instead of responding to his request, Spock moved his body so he was still sitting on the mattress and facing Jim, lifting his left hand up to Jim's psy points so they could accurately connect.

Like two ropes tying itself together again, Spock was firmly melded with the man, sensing a mangle of concern, care and hope. The Science Officer looked back to the day when he had his epiphany to become human, during his meditation. It was like watching a film, sympathizing with the characters yet not personally relating to how they felt. He kept the separation of his past self to his present self, letting the memories and subsequent emotions and sensations flow through the meld with reckless abandon. If it wasn't for the constant reminder of Jim's presence - his calm aura and mantra of reassurance - Spock could have sworn he would lose himself in the unpleasant memories again.

He let all of these little moments drift by with as much detail and accuracy as he could, all the way up until the moment he realized he was in love with Jim. That moment certainly made him unable to think clearly for quite some time, now it only brought him pleasurable sensations.

It was when Spock felt the other end of their connection respond back with shy love he realized he broadcasted this thought to Jim. 

Spock opened his eyes intending to pull away but stopped himself when he heard a voice coming from nowhere inside the room, _You never knew what that feeling was before?_

It was a soft echo trying to get across to him, Spock struggling to hear it and answered through their meld, _I was previously convinced it was happiness, then joy._

 _Love… is related to those._ He was surprised how well Jim adapted to communicating telepathically for his first time, albeit still not as strong as his own skills. 

It was true though - Spock felt both a simple yet strong sense of happiness and underneath it was a steady presence of joy. Spock tried imagining what that would feel like, a mix of happiness along with its related emotion and Jim spoke up, _Kind of like that. It's so hard to describe using related terms._

 _I can still understand the concept of it. I am feeling it now._ Spock replied with open honesty and he felt warmth come from the other end of the connection and spreading all throughout their shared minds. This only strengthened the meld, the thread connecting their minds growing stronger and sturdier. Spock didn't focus on it.

 _In all honesty, I was the same,_ Jim said wistfully, _I knew I felt something akin to brotherhood, but I think I was just scared to think about it._

 _May I ask why?_ Spock asked. 

The mood of their meld shifted into one similar to how his body felt when he was in distress, memories going through his mind like an old-fashioned film reel, dialogue placed here and there. It was all disorienting and distressing, the only thing repeating in Spock's mind was a sense of despair and anxiety. It made him feel ashamed and he wanted to go and apologize but a wall of fear stopped him because he was trapped in an endless circle because he was sickened by his reaction to something he couldn't control about his friend -

He saw it now.

 _Did you get all of it?_ A meek voice spoke through and Spock could barely hear it over his own loud thoughts. 

Jim showed when he realized he was scared of Spock. He already knew this fact and he wished it wasn't repeated -

"No!" Jim shouted out loud and swiftly covered his mouth with his left hand. After a beat, both of them seeing no one came in to ask what was the matter, Jim frantically blurted out trying to keep his voice quiet, "It's me, not you."

"I don't fully -"

"You have absolutely no fault in any of it. It's all me and my mind that… thought all about it." He sobbed at the end and Spock saw tears brimming in his eyes. His fingers ached to reach out and brush them away but he reluctantly reframed.

How could Jim believe it to be all his fault for his reaction? It was a normal human response to be fearful of things drastically different from what they knew; it was why Spock attempted to reshape himself for the better.

"I can tell you're tense, Spock," Jim whispered ever so quietly and Spock felt his shame, like he didn't mean to sense the First Officer's discomfort, "Is it about… can I ask what I think it's about?"

"You may."

"Does it…" Jim took a deep breath, then another, "have anything to do with what you said, in the guest room on Altair VI? That you wanted to change yourself for me?"

Ah. Spock didn't know whether to delve into that particular memory or not yet. He supposed now was a good time as any to reveal more clearly his intentions for wanting to follow the human path. If only he could do it now.

"You can speak through the mind meld if that helps." The captain offered.

"I will warn you," he felt Jim squeeze his right hand with the hand still laying on top of it, "unlike what I previously did to relay information, this will be a more intimate look into the memory. That means you will feel the same thoughts and feelings I did, though I will try to keep current feelings away until our meld is finished."

"You don't have to if you don't want to, Spock."

"I know, Jim. I only haven't been able to trust my ability to suppress emotions for - quite some time." He was blunt but honest and it was becoming harder by the second to keep his emotions steady. He wanted to break away from the meld so he wouldn't have to worry yet he didn't want to lose this beautiful electricity flowing through them. It was still there throughout all of it, buried under both of their inflicting feelings.

All of his inner and outer sensations died down when he felt calloused skin cover his left hand that touched Kirk's psy points. He cleared his vision to see the man never broke eye contact with him as he moved his right hand over Spock's hand touching Jim's face.

Spock wondered if a heart could skip a beat.

"You have dealt with my temper tantrums and rants and breakdowns, yet you never looked at me any different." Jim said, the room light reflecting off of his eyes like creating the illusion of a sparkling lake dock. The Science Officer had only seen pictures from Earth of what they looked like, now he felt like he was seeing one for the first time in person, "As for me -"

"I theorize," Spock spoke up before Jim could talk himself into another self-deprecating rant, "instead of constantly switching between our two experiences, we have one of us explain in depth what they have been feeling with no interruptions. Since you already asked, I can go first about why I wanted to be human if it pleases you."

The Superior Officer kept both his hands over the First Officer's own, not responding immediately until he then relented, "Whatever you wish. I won't say anything."

With that, Spock nodded and trailed back to when he had his idea for becoming human. He could still remember in vivid detail his thought process as he struggled to clear his head for meditation, the confusing bodily reactions to how even though he wanted to concentrate peacefully, the captain was still on his mind. Spock felt during his dive back to that time a fuzzy warmth trying to slip its way through and he pushed Jim's emotional responses away for now. He continued remembering his body, how it kept telling him different reactions, when he tried submerging his emotions like before. He remembered how out of control his anxiety was after he succeeded in repressing one half of his emotions, how he realized just how much he hurt Jim and how he could've done it again -

 _I'm…_ it was so far, where was Jim, was he alright why can't he just go to him - 

_I'm here. You're here with me._

Jim… was here. At the end of their threaded minds, he was still here. Jim was here grounding him and Spock's mind was still connected with his. 

Spock's body was away trying to make his brain follow and he didn't want to - in fact, he refused. He can't and won't let it happen again because Jim was keeping him tethered. It was the indescribable feeling of their essences tangled together, like two pieces of a puzzle slotted together. It was all Spock was aware of at the moment; him with Jim, only them knowing each other like no one else.

Unlike when Spock was in the sonic shower and allowing his emotions to wash over him like a tidal wave, he felt like they were beaming down on him like a ray of a sun, enveloping him in such a way so he was not drowning in it but completely lightweight. Spock's emotions were present and they were not controlling him because they weren't able to anymore. It was almost like before, he wanted to be fully human by practicing the same techniques he learned on Vulcan about controlling one's self. This was distinctly different. Unlike the other times, there was nothing to control.

Spock barely registered there was no longer any cold rain on his skin or heavy weight inside his body.

 _You did amazing! You're amazing._ Jim exclaimed and it felt like a vibration coursing through Spock, _I knew you could do it._

 _With your help too._ He made sure to look Jim in the eyes outside of the meld.

 _I only reminded you._ A small chuckle from his officer sent shockwaves through the threaded minds.

 _Of what?_ He asked.

 _That you aren't fully Vulcan or human. Spock,_ _I worry about you, when you try to be completely one or the other._

_Even before I attempted full humanity?_

_Kind of. Didn't think about it until after I could see how you were damaging yourself._ They kept eye contact and it was the perfect amount of tension considering what they were discussing. 

Jim's latest reply gave Spock the opportunity to question, _Do you wish to now discuss how you have been?_

 _I do…_ he trailed off at the end and Spock let the palm of his hand that was touching Jim's psy points gently lower until he was holding Jim's side of his face. The Superior Officer flushed a deep shade of pink but kept his right hand over Spock's own left hand.

 _Like how you were with me, I will be with you._ The Science Officer wanted to add on 'always' but he knew it would be too intimate. They both had to reveal their troubles first before anything else could… proceed. 

Patience is a virtue.

Instead of a flashback like what he was expecting, he heard Jim's echoing voice again, _You - understand, that I would never intentionally feel malice towards you?_

 _I don't believe it is possible for you to feel malice towards anyone._ Spock stated, like it was the simplest law of the universe. 

_Stop changing the subject._ He felt a bubbling warmth tinged with sadness spread through their minds. After a beat, Jim continued, _You said you wished to change for me?_

It took a moment for Spock to respond, but he spoke without looking away from the captain's face, _Yes._

 _Well it's what I thought I wanted too._ The sadness was now spreading rapidly, _Your Pon Farr… I realize it wasn't your fault, but how you reacted towards me like you couldn't recognize me at all - it scared me._

 _I thought there was something wrong with me,_ the voice was wavering a lot more now as Spock felt empathetic tears fall down his own eyes, _how could I feel afraid of my own friend? Blamed myself until Bones helped talk some sense into me. It was difficult to accept, but I realize now it was just my own humanity you could say that was reacting, not myself. When you were teaching me the lyre, I really did want to learn it - still do. I just needed to find a way to get you to find something that brought you natural joy, not something you wanted to express because it seemed right but something you didn't need to react to at all, just letting your mind do what it wants without worrying what was right or wrong._

Spock needed to know for clarification, _So you are saying -_

_I… I care about you, Spock. Seeing you in any way that might be hurting, you hurts me too. To be honest, I forget sometimes you identified as Vulcan._

_I take great offense to that._ He said in a light-toned way so the officer would know he was not serious. He only realized after two point one seconds what he said.

 _But… yeah._ Jim sighed outside of the meld, seemingly ignoring what Spock said and grinned at him. The First Officer wanted to grin back but he didn't know exactly how he should do it. According to… well, _him_ , he wanted to just simply give a slight curl of the lips. Considering Jim could read all of his thoughts and emotions, there was no need for miss interpretations, so Spock did what felt natural to him.

Jim gave a wide smile and Spock had the strong urge to make him smile like that for the rest of their lives.

Now the captain broke eye contact to look down, his lips in a tight grin as his face reddened again, electricity pulsing back to him through their threaded minds. Spock sent admiration through the meld and now Jim was giggling and sending back affection, their knot tying their minds together strengthening. If what Spock was doing was called 'teasing', then it brought a satisfactory result. It was truly an amazing feeling, this little slip of emotions; so simple yet so much better than what he did before.

Jim looked back up into Spock's eyes and the Superior Officer's grin dropped slightly as they both felt the buzzing intensity of their connection, the captain's right hand loosely holding Spock's left hand. It was like their shared love was showing through their eyes, tempting the First Officer to lean closer.

"This feels nice." Jim mused.

Before Spock forgot, he felt like he should be completely honest as he could be, "If I may, I want to tell you about that night where you fell asleep on my couch."

The captain raised an eyebrow, "Oh?"

"I may have decided to purposefully tried to help you sleep, as I saw how tired you were," there was no judgment in Jim's eyes, so Spock continued, "and I feel... there was a moment, when I saw you unconscious, was when I first realized my true feelings for you."

"I doubt I sleep pretty." Jim huffed an embarrassed laugh.

"You do, but it was when I was trying to adjust your comfort level and I - accidentally held your face for longer than necessary." The First Officer was tense, but grateful for saying this, "I hope you understand."

The captain didn't answer right away - then, he laughed a little. He stopped when he noticed Spock's no doubt confused expression, replying, "I do, and thank you for telling me." Jim said wistfully and Spock sensed the small melancholy from the Superior Officer, "If only I had the guts to tell the truth to you."

 _You need not blame yourself._ Spock spoke through the bond, afraid of breaking the peace of their connection, _Both of our fears were deemed irrational and foolish._

 _No no, they were only irrational._ Jim shook his head, _How we tried to cure them was foolish._

_Indeed. I forgive you for what you couldn't control._

_And I you._ Jim had his mouth open, but no sound came out. After a beat, he continued, _I say we make a promise instead of constantly apologizing: if something is on our minds that pertains to each other, we'll let each other know. Special occasion is when the truth would hurt each other depending on the situation, but if we are able to tell the truth to each other… then we should._

Spock only curled his lips slightly upward to show his approval, _I believe that what you asked for - is logical. I promise to tell you my worries when I am able to._

Spock sensed Jim's gratitude when he said 'when I am able to' and he was what? Glad? Yes, he was glad Jim understood. 

_And I promise to tell you my own too. Because hiding secrets from each other does us no good, I found out._

Spock agreed.

As he felt the electricity grow all around their meld so it was at the forefront of both of their minds, Spock felt Jim's right hand leave his left.

He forced himself to look away from his dark colored corneas to see Jim's right hand raised and closed, his index and middle finger outstretched. 

Spock's breath got caught in his throat yet again. 

_Is this alright?_ Jim asked. Spock focused so the waves in his body were all that his attention was on, forcing Jim to feel through the meld what he felt. Just in case it wasn't clear, he raised his own right hand for the ozh'esta.

They were both certainly 'ready' now. 

Spock slowly untangled their connection as he slid his left hand down and away from Jim's psy points so his hand rested at the point between his captain's head and neck. Spock could feel his pulse on his middle finger and it only added to the experience of being so close to Jim.

There was not a single trace of doubt in his mind; he wanted this. To connect how he was taught in Vulcan and his body and mind showed no rejection of the idea. The First Officer didn't know why but didn't care, all that mattered to him at the moment was doing this with Jim. Because he genuinely wanted to.

Spock's eyes widened as Jim completed the ozh'esta for him. 

Perhaps he was taking a while to initiate.

This was unlike when he acted what Vulcans would consider crude with other aliens. Those times only felt like his hand touching another but this… this felt almost like what a mind meld was. Unlike the meld where he could feel every thought and emotion going through someone's head, he only felt something akin to that single thread connecting him and Jim. Spock felt this metaphorical thread tangle through their nerves, interlocking them together by sheer emotion alone. 

Looking back up into Jim's eyes - he had no fear anymore to admit he felt embarrassed to be staring at the ozh'esta like some lovestruck individual because he _was_ \- he felt the same thread grow tighter as he looked into those eyes. It was a strange concept to be enraptured by a single color, yet Spock knew whenever he saw an item similar in color from now on, he would immediately relate it to Jim's hazel corneas. 

This thread, this connection was pure love but there was more to it he couldn't name. This was more spectacular than the waves and warmth in his body, like something he was missing coming back to him and remaining with him for the rest of time -

Oh.

Bonding.

They were bondmates.

Spock lifted Jim's head with his left hand and surged forward, feeling Jim's textured lips against his own, never breaking the ozh'esta. 

He could see why humans felt great appeal for this act, a human equivalent to the ozh'esta he would say. Although this, just like how he described touching hands, was not like any other kiss. There was no foreign feeling in his mouth, no churning in his stomach. In fact, Spock could feel the waves raging throughout his body and he desired to feel every aspect of Jim's mouth like he never had before. The more both feelings lasted, the more he felt like he was getting intoxicated and it was alluring. 

Underneath all of these incredible sensations though, was that single thread weaving them together through their touch. It tugged at his very being but he just continued softly - yet with all the passion he could show - kissing Jim. Jim also communicated with the same tenderness with slightly more vigor like he couldn't get enough, the officer's left hand grasping his right shoulder. Their mouths moved together like a flowing river, almost as if their lips were designed for each other. Spock's left hand was still holding the side of his face, thumb rhythmically gliding against Jim's cheek, memorizing the feeling of his stubbled yet soft skin.

Even while absentmindedly doing that, the only thing Spock was giving his full attention to was this thread tightening between them, faintly feeling Jim's mind seep into his. It grew rapidly, like the small corner Spock was allowed access to of Jim's mind growing exponentially. He could sense Jim's equal satisfaction and love with what was happening, thoughts going by ranging from relief to desire to more happiness than Spock could measure. He could feel Jim give into the bonding, feel him read his own mind, causing their thread to strengthen until it couldn't ever be broken anymore and Spock did not ever want it to.

The thread was weaving itself through his memories and emotions, sewing them together with Jim's and kept tying their minds together into a metaphorical glamorous ribbon until -

Their minds exploded like a collision of stars when the thread completed its knot and he could hear himself and Jim gasp. Spock felt lighter than he ever had before, floating down, down, down until he settled back into himself, looking at Jim's euphoric expression. 

Neither of them spoke for an inconsiderate amount of seconds until he felt Jim's small breath as he whispered loud enough for him to hear, "Wow."

Spock would have to agree.

They both slipped out of the ozh'esta and Spock lowered his left hand from his face as the Superior Officer muttered, "I don't… fully? Understood? What just happened? Oh wow." He still looked quite dazed, scanning the room like he realized where he was. It was strangely endearing how the usually prepared captain was so caught off guard by their first proper embrace.

"Wait. I can feel you," Jim suddenly broke out of his delirium, "we're not touching each other and I can hear you."

He sat back up straight, crossing his hands on his lap and watched Jim's face shift from many different expressions until it settled on surprise. Spock could feel a new wave of love wash over him as the captain stuttered, "Did we…"

"According to Vulcan rituals, we have completed the bonding of mates." Spock explained and he had to actively keep his ecstacy to himself so Jim would not accidentally feel it.

"But, uh - isn't there some sort of… formal wedding, we have to have?" Jim asked, face back to a dark red.

"That is only to officially pronounce the partners as spouses under Vulcan law," he stated, "Bond mates can form their bonds already so they wish. Did you not want this because I am able to sever -"

"No! No, it's… what I always wanted." Jim grinned in his shy, content way, "Although I apologize for having to hear and feel _everything_."

"We can put up blocks so we don't have to continuously feel each other. The bond will still be there and I can teach you how to block and open your mind along with other practices in communicating through the bond."

"I think I understand. Like right now," the smile was still there, although now Jim was staring directly into his eyes, "I can't feel your mind like before but you're still there; It's a nice thought to have, you always being nearby."

Spock let his appreciation for what Jim said go through the bond and Jim only smiled wider, "I hope I won't be too distracting to you."

The First Officer took a moment to ponder on this. Perhaps before he wanted to be human, when he was confused how much his mind was occupied with Jim, this was their bond struggling to be fulfilled. Spock decided to say, "Negative. Before, I attempted to force my feelings to be maintained because I thought it would be impact my performance considering my anxiety you have felt, when now I realize it is the opposite; this specific feeling, this positive one, strengthens and optimizes my thought process in a way that kept me in control and also what you would call 'in high spirits'."

"I hope you know I consider that to be extremely romantic sounding."

"I do." Spock really did love feeling this… and he never wanted to purge it out again.

He took a deep breath.

"When I thought you have died," he began and Jim frowned in confusion, "I planned on leaving Starfleet to enact the ritual of Kolinahr, ridding myself of all emotion. I thought it would end my inner feud."

He continued even when he saw Jim try to speak up, "I was exhausted and anguished no matter what I tried to do, even before I thought you perished. But… I no longer wish to. Both the Vulcan and human path, no matter how distinct and challenging they were, led me to you."

While the rest was hard to admit, this was the easiest thing Spock ever had to do because it relied on his Vulcan half, "I still do not know exactly who I am, but I do know I can gather the facts: I am from a Vulcan father and a human mother, I dislike human meals and being separated with a pillow barrier, I enjoy playing the Vulcan lyre and I proudly serve as First Officer aboard the _Enterprise_ alongside Captain James T. Kirk, my friend and bond mate. The rest I am willing to find out over time."

The watery smile Jim gave back was the only reply he needed; he was going to support Spock in whatever he decided.

"Did it feel good saying out loud all of that?"

Spock contemplated before he decided, "No."

"Then you don't need to next time."

Spock nodded, feeling Jim's understanding.

"Good God, you finally figured it out!"

He twitched at the sudden surprise while Jim yelped, his shock pulsating through the bond.

"BONES, DAMNIT!" The captain shouted, McCoy recoiling but resumed smiling wildly.

"I swear I wasn't eavesdropping," he raised his hands in mock defense, "was just going to see you guys again and overheard those last few sentences."

"I presume you have been officially -"

"Yes First Officer, I have been cleared," the doctor glared but the smile never left his lips, "and I think this calls for a celebration for these pining idiots."

"Appreciate it, Bones." Jim huffed.

"What I _meant_ to say," the doctor continued, "was that I was about ninety-nine percent sure the real reason your Pon Farr was cut off like it did was because you and T'Pring weren't meant to be mates; you are."

Well yes, Jim and Spock were now mates but before then he was -

Wait.

He had to take a moment to process this. 

Had he… really tossed aside all Vulcan logic he knew just because he was trying to be _human_? The little voice whispered the last part and he was reminded; reminded of what he wanted to accomplish, trying to weigh what was considered Vulcan or human logic. If he didn't shove his Vulcan half away when he did, would he have calculated sooner what he felt for Jim, what they were?

There was a faint whisper, too quiet to understand but Spock knew it wasn't in the room. He came back to himself and partly heard what the captain said, " - you say anything about it to either one of us?"

"Because for one thing, it was only a suspicion." McCoy responded. "Besides, you two have the thickest skulls on the ship. Even if I told you what I thought, you guys would never've believed me, would you?"

Jim went to respond but stopped himself and weakly shrugged his shoulders, "No, probably not."

"That's what I thought. Now, when's the wedding?"

"BONES!"

"Joking!" He laughed. The two of them gave him a glare until McCoy said, "I'll leave you two for now. Doctor M'Benga will be coming around anyways to check up on you, Jim. But seriously, congrats."

Before fully exiting, the doctor turned around again, "Also you're gonna be the one explaining everything to the Bridge crew this time, not me."

McCoy still had a grin on his face as he walked backwards out of the room.

"This time?"

"Nothing important, just that some of the crewmen noticed your lack of… typical behavior."

Ah. Spock would have to rectify that later.

"I guess he did have a point, huh?" Jim awkwardly chuckled.

"I don't understand."

"Well, about his theory about Pon Farr. Has there… ever been any…"

"There have been documented cases of one supposed to be betrothed finding their true mate. It is rare, but the reason for betrothing is to hopefully find your mate by compatibility." The Science Officer explained, all the while still feeling foolish for not thinking about the possibility of them being destined bond mates.

Spock heard the same whisper from before, still too unclear. He closed his eyes and let his mind reach out to the sound. It became clearer and clearer until he could finally discern it; _It's not your fault._

He could feel Jim's sympathetic pain like a sharp pang to his heart. Spock looked at Jim again and asked through the newly established bond, _What do you mean?_

The officer's hand, previously resting on his lap, reached out again to lay his right hand on his own crossed hands, "You told me that I shouldn't blame myself. Well, you shouldn't either, even if it's just a silly thing as 'am I in love'. Shockingly, many humans have trouble figuring that out so it's nothing special."

"Yet…" he held in a sigh, "A Vulcan would have been able to at least understand what they were feeling."

"But you couldn't have," Jim insisted, "you said yourself you didn't know all the little nuance emotions."

"But you had deduced that applying open expression of emotion was not healthy for me."

"You can still learn about feelings. You just don't have to express every single one you feel." Jim rubbed his thumb over his laced fingers similar to what Spock did on his cheek. It was somewhat soothing to his sensitive nerves, yet his mind still rattled with various thoughts about what Jim said. Even after all of this, Spock didn't know what he wanted to do now. It did not feel right to simply return to how he was before, nor was attempting to be completely human again. The rain was falling on him again, cold and sticky and he was trying to stop it but it wasn't working -

He had moved his queen, effectively removing… his own knight from the chess board.

The scene kept appearing and disappearing at a rapid pace and he was able to realize he was witnessing a memory. He was looking through Jim's eyes, watching as they made unclear moves back and forth. He couldn't comprehend what the memory of himself was saying, but he felt like he still understood it.

 _I - always loved - our matches._ The Superior Officer's voice kept coming in fragments yet Spock could still sense him, _You would - just be your - self. You - aren't - human or - Vulcan. You - are - simply you. That's what - I want you - to - be._

He watched the blurry scene, feeling Jim's sparks of various positive and pleasurable feelings for him like the fireworks humans created centuries ago. It was so much different than when Spock only read what Jim was feeling; here, it was as if he was no longer Spock, but Jim… Jim saw him as this.

He saw Spock like he was a divine statue that was constantly filling Jim with gratification and delight. How Jim could see him like this he will never know, but it's clear this was what the captain thought of him. 

Spock had to remove himself away from the situation and close off their telepathic communications lest Jim start to feel the same overwhelming sense of unbridled joy. He felt like weeping yet he felt the complete opposite of sadness.

"I'm not trying to make you how I see you." Jim spoke softly, hand never leaving his, "I only want to know… what makes you comfortable?"

"Such as?"

"How do you want to express your emotions in public for example?" 

The First Officer took a moment to think critically about this. He spoke, "How Vulcans are required to -"

"Not under Vulcan or human terms," Jim said, head tilted to the side, "what _you_ want. What makes _you_ feel good."

Spock breathed in and he started to feel the same rain trickle down on him again because what _did_ he want? Whenever he tried to accomplish something, it felt so wrong and bad to him and he did not want to continuously feel _wrong_ or _bad_. But Jim said to not think in human or Vulcan terms. 

What did he want? He wanted…

"I want to express myself as professional and unflappable as possible in public."

"And how do you want to express them privately?"

"Only by myself or with you." Spock stated without a single doubt in his mind and Jim nodded while his cheeks were tinted a light pink again. He saw it as the most divine thing in the universe.

"Now with me, do you wish to express your feelings out loud or through our… our bond?"

"Perhaps only through the bond."

"Perhaps?"

"My feelings toward that particular aspect might shift overtime. For now I feel… most comfortable through the bond."

"That's a good start." Jim smiled, "We can figure out the rest of what you want later. But I feel like that's the first thing to cover at the moment."

"I do have one proposal, though." Spock suggested before the conversation would end.

"What?"

"I still wish to learn all the various emotional vocabulary. Only so I can better understand how you and I feel."

"Of course. Only if you teach me how to figure out this whole bond thing." Jim chuckled lightheartedly.

"You have already managed to accomplish much, like projecting memories alongside your thoughts." Spock said honestly, "You have also done better at not apologizing for personal matters."

His friend, his love, squeezed his clasped hands, "Speaking of which, I presume… me doing this is fine?"

"Much better than fine." Spock breathed out and this garnered a smirk from his bond mate.

He heard through the bond, _We'll talk about marriage later._

_Marriage?_

_We're basically married in Vulcan terms. Maybe we can make it official under Earth laws too after a while._

_I am not opposed to the idea._

_I know._ Jim looked down, _I_ _am curious… can I be honest with you?_

 _Yes._ Spock was curious to what Jim had to say since he felt through the bond uncertainty and a touch of dread.

 _How will your… Pon Farr be now?_ Despite having no literal voice, Spock could imagine the awkwardness in Jim's question.

_Every seven years, my mind will abandon all logic and only be fueled by lust only my mate can quench. As my mate, you will be treated with the utmost care, albeit with having to… handle my possessive nature._

The building lust Spock received from Jim was the answer he needed.

 _I'm okay with that._ The captain smiled outside the bond, _I… actually feel great about it. As long as we don't have to try to kill each other again._

_There will be nothing of the sort._

_Good._

The talk of marriage and Pon Farr almost made a certain word slip from the First Officer's mind and he was tempted to ask before he spoke what he wanted to say.

 _I can feel you hesitate._ The captain said plainly, smiling. Spock nodded back. He gathered the courage by focusing on breathing through his nose, then asked if he could call Jim names.

 _Names? Like, insults or pet names?_ He could sense his love didn't mean anything harsh by the reply.

_As what you humans call 'pet names', then yes I mean terms of endearment._

_Like what?_

_Various. K'diwa meaning 'beloved', ashaya meaning 'love' and t'hy'la meaning many kinds of endearments such as friend, brother, lover…_

_I like that. Keh-dee-wa?_

_Close._

_No I'm not, I can sense you. Teh-high-la?_

_Better than before._

_I'll eventually get it._

_Perhaps._

Spock unfurled his hands so he could hold Jim's right hand between his own two and he let down his barrier enough so they could pass along and ignite their love to even greater heights through their minds.

Even when Doctor M'Benga came in one point two minutes later to inspect Jim's wounds, he could still feel the electric wave of love and admiration coming from his t'hy'la without needing to touch him and Spock responded back how impressed he was again how quickly Jim was understanding telepathic communication. 

Spock still wanted to pursue more about his emotions and what he wanted, but he had to agree with Jim; for now, there was no need to rush. He could understand at least how he wished to express his emotions so it felt comfortable for himself and right now he felt… happy. No underlying weight in his body or interjections saying he was _wrong_ ; there was only the presence of Jim's mind and this simple feeling. Helping each other, they will both grow and become more sure of themselves together. 

At long last, he didn't feel any sort of tension or battle in his mind from his Vulcan or human - no, his whole self. 

His entire being was in fact in complete harmony. 

Yes. Yes, this felt right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story. It took about six months for me to get it all done and completed but I'm very happy with the final work.
> 
> The reason why I left the answer about whether Spock will identify as Vulcan or human ambiguous is because I don't think this needs to be answered. The main story I wanted to tell was about Spock accepting himself. He has done that. The process of figuring out who "himself" is can be left up to you to decide.
> 
> Again, my tumblr is @let-me-dream-with-the-stars and my artist Robyn's tumblr and Ao3 are both @marlinspirkhall.
> 
> Dif-tor heh smusma (live long and prosper).


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